Lessons We Are Supposed To Learn???

[helena]

A friend of mine is going through a bad time due to guilt. It is a very similar story to something she went through about 5 years ago and she is beating herself up over it.

It concerns how she reacted to her parents (1st her mother, then her father) when they were sick. After her mother died, she berated herself for not being more 'caring' and 'sympathetic' to her.

Now her father has died and she is saying the same thing. It wasn't her fault her father died and she cared for his physical needs - she knows that, but she also knows that she resented having to look after him, was often impatient and irritated by him and could be a little harsh (verbally) with him.

She didn't accept he was seriously ill and although she called a doctor out, was dismissive of his complaints. It almost seems the same story that she told me 5 years ago after her mother died and almost as if she was unable to learn the lessons of the past.

It got me thinking because I have noticed that 'coincidences' keep happening to me over and over again. I posted in another thread about how I keep getting alcoholics in my life (father, brother, sister, partner) to the point that I thought if there is such a thing as Karma and I am paying back debts to the universe, then I must have owned a brewery in a past life!!!

I am sure certain people have come into my life to teach me something about myself...and I am scared that I am missing the point (like my friend) or the chance to put right what I clearly have done wrong at some point.

Is there a 'theme' or 'coincidence' in your lives that you sometimes pick up on and/or resolve your understanding of its message?

 

[TLight]

I have found, looking back over my life, that re-enactment played a huge role for me.

I chose people like my abusers over and over. This has nothing to do with me not learning lessons, it has to do with a brain that wants to SOLVE the initial problem.

Our brains are geared to structure, categorize and solve problems. My problem was I wasn't loved by my parents (or any of my family for that matter). It deep injured me. It did not make sense to me, since I did nothing to NOT deserve love and respect. In fact, I did everything perfectly in order to get that love and respect.

So, my brain is confronted with something that in no way shape or form will ever make sense. Yet to turn my brain off from this function is impossible. Therefore, I think we unconsciously chooser certain mirrors in our lives that reflect our original injury..........we repeat it again and again trying to get a different outcome.

There is no sense in why I was so horribly treated and abused. There is no rational reason why it happened. The brain has a very difficult time accepting a world that doesn't make sense. Therefore, we continue these patterns for years until somehow, by releasing a ton of pain, we no longer need to make sense.

There is no making sense of abuse. There are no coincidences. You get alcoholics in your life because you are wanting to make sense of what occured and possibly get the outcome that does make sense.

Once you realize that, you'll stop.

As far as your friend, well, a lot of people feel resentment for taking care of their failing parents. It is a very hard thing, especially if a person is young and has other priorities. I did it too. Sounds like her feelings are normal and she needs to accept them and try to deal with them without self recrimination.

 

[sidekick]

I agree with the previous posters.

In my case I kept choosing physical/emotional and sexual abusers as partners year after year because that is what I grew up knowing and accepting as the norm I guess? It is something I have been working on recently to undo in me and to love me and realize that I am not a bad person and that I chose these people bcause of my past.

 

[helena]

a brain that wants to SOLVE the initial problem.

Yes, I can see that makes some sense.

I have to admit though that I find this a very difficult concept to completely understand. Deja-vu for example, is it the brain... or is it something else.

Something else I just thought of, when I used to see clients invariably they would have some alcohol or mental health problems (I was giving specific legal advice and not normally the type of client I would see) and I couldn't have chosen or selected them, they were given to me without any interference by me.

Thanks for your reply, this has been a puzzling me for a long time.:think: