Letter From My Abuser

[Nicky31]

Hi

I can COMPLETELY understand how this makes you angry. Thank you for sharing this and having the courage to re-live it by exposing your story.

Like many others on here have clocked, written from prison and saying that he has now found god is a typical line for sex offenders.

The first thing that jumped out at my was his repetitive use of your name. There is absolutely no need for this and it shows his continued manipulation and desire for control. By using your name he has ownership, he is reaching your soul. Anyone saying our name, gets our attention doesn't it. No-one else has our name, it belongs to us (I realise this isn't strictly true, but you get what I mean?)

Have you any plans for this letter? I'm just wondering if it is such a trigger and it holds no meaning at all (clearly), if there is a ceremony that you can hold to do something with it? If you'd rather hold onto it, this is also fine, I'm just aware that having this letter in your possession is still causing you anxiety. The experience itself was bad enough.

I actually think I know what you mean about feeling sorry for him. I know this is a tough one for anyone to get their head around, but it (the letter)all seems a bit desperate and pathetic (as well as controlling and manipulative) doesn't it? The fact you even feel sorry for him shows that despite what you have been through he hasn't been able to take your compassion away.

Stay strong x

 

[Onefineday]

Nicky31,

I have always been a really guilty person, maybe that's partly why I feel pity for him, or whatever it is I feel.
I am going to keep it, you never know when I'll need it, as I said, it could come in handy in the future.
He didn't sexually abuse me, if that's what you were thinknig, he actually never laid a finger on me in any way. Well, other than hitting me on the ass a few times. But although he never did anything to ME, he was the most violent person I've ever met. I have been physically abused, but that paled in comparison to this person. When he was angry it was like this demonic force, I have never seen anything like it. It was absolutely terrifying. I would hide in my room 24/7 to get away from him, even if it meant not eating. I never came out of my room, but if I did I'd sneak out when I though he was asleep. Sometimes I'd turn around and he'd be sitting there staring at me, he wouldn't say anything, he'd just stare.
He'd tell me I was a liar and manipulator, that I played mind games to get what I want and that all the bad things that happend were because of me, because all my thoughts were creating negative energy and causing things. He got it all in my mums head so she would agree with him, my therapist has in her notes that my mum and him came in one session and sat there saying I am a selfish person with no consideration for others.

He would get angry a lot and punch holes in the doors and throw things through the wall, and he would speed and drink while he was driving.
He would also tell people he was my father, that PISSED ME OFF. He was NEVER my father.
I do remember one time he did nearly hit me, I lived with that fear for years. I think I always hoped he would just do it because people take more notice of physical abuse, but nobody cares if it's mental, verbal, emotional, etc. We were in the car one night and he had got out for a few seconds, then when he came back he had locked the door. I didn't know, so he started yelling at me to unlock it and when he got in the car he was screaming at me. I tried to tell him I didnt know but oh, of course DID know didn't I. I got mad and said 'I DIDN'T know' and he turned around to me and I KNOW he was about to smack me in the face. I've never seen anyone look at me like that, and he had his fist ready. I told my mum he was about to hit me but she just told me to shut up. That's pretty much what I lived with every day for most of my teenage years, minus the year and a half I lived with my auntie while he and my mum lived in a car doing heroin.

 

[Nicky31]

Hello again,

having worked with offenders for some years, some of his behaviour in written form, was, as I have more often seen with SO's, but yes also with domestic violence perpetrators whoever the victim- the control and manipulation is typical.

The guilt that you feel sounds as though it is sadly a result of such abuse, and I am sorry that you are still carrying this around with you. It sounds like a truly horrendous time, but I am glad that you are safe now.

Nicky

 

[anni]

YES! What Midi posted! That's the reaction entirely!

These perpetrators are unbelievable. Geesh, and second the projectile vomiting.

Take care,

Anni

 

[midi]

Do we keep the mementos that our abusers have given us? Why do we keep them, to re-traumatize ourselves? Is it part of the healing process? Do we feel guilty if we don't get rid of things like their letters/pictures/junk? Are we afraid to let go? Why do we keep these ghosts? They have taught us to feel guilty for their abuses, so how do we let go?

It took me over 4 years to let go of some of the sentimental things Dr. Ex had given me. I couldn't throw them out or give them away. Why?

 

[Onefineday]

I keep EVERYTHING. These letters I wouldn't TRAUMATIZE me, but they are a constant reminder of what happened. Like I said I never know when I could need them, proof that it happened, or to show someone in the same situation what he said, and the fact that as convincing as he may have been he never changed. I don't believe (at least not for me) that it is because he still has control. I can just look at it and think 'I'm glad I didn't fall for a word of it'. If I'm ever in a situation where I need to explain what happened to me, I can say 'this is the letter he wrote to me. These are the letters he wrote to my mother. Do you think he was any different, do you think he meant a word of it? No. So you can see why I find it hard to trust men when I know they can have a way with words'. I just need to keep these letters.

 

[anni]

I burned alllll the photos, but out of anger. I also kept mostly everything. I have gotten rid of anything my daughter could find after I'm old and gone which would cause her pain, but kept what I could.

It feels to me like I WON, as if he didn't beat me after all, and these things are bloody trophies. Perhaps that isn't healthy, I don't know. I'm not dead, which is what he wished. I don't look at these letters and papers, but knowing I have them feels to me like I have a blue ribbon or engraved silver victory cup or something.

Silly I know, but it's just what it feels like.:)

Take care,

Anni