Loyal to him
New Here
July 31, 2012
Dear self,
I know what you are going through it very difficult, the always wondering, the self doubt, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the anger and frustration, the loss of confidence, the not knowing, the losing strength and fighting to find more, all the negative feelings, the dark place you keep going in and out of, all of it, it's not easy. All these put together is just a mess in your head.
I know that you get tired of people telling you that you are not alone and logically you know this too, but you still can't help but feeling like you are alone in this struggle, yes there are other people going though situations like this, but in the end you are alone in the battle for your fiancé. You have some really good people in your support group helping you to stay standing and not fall down when you start to collapse. This is your battle for your fiancé, your fight alone until he decides that he needs and wants help. It's hard sitting back and waiting for that time to come, you feel helpless and at times there's a small feeling of hopelessness mixed in there. You know you have done anything and everything you possibly can to help him. You have made many connections for him to get the help he so desperately needs and have done and keep doing as much learning as you possibly can about PTSD and you have sworn that you won't stop learning ever.
You are trying to do everything you can to take care of yourself not only for you, but to be ready to help your fiancé when he needs you. You know that you have to have it together if you are going to be there for him, you know you have to be strong now and extra strong when he needs you. I understand it's so hard to do though, with the pain and heartache you have, you sometimes just want to hibernate and not leave you apartment. It's hard to get motivated and up and moving to do something as simple as go to class or get ready for work or even study and do the homework you know you need to do to get through college and be one step closer to graduating. You know that everyday you have to get up and do something for yourself, go running, go tanning, just cook your favorite meal for yourself. It's so hard though to take care of yourself. You hurt everyday for your fiancé, ache for him and his love everyday, cry for him everyday. You miss him more and more everyday, you love him unconditionally, you know you would battle this for him if you could, you would die for him, you would do anything for him. You waited for him once and you will do it again, he is your soulmate, your one true love and you want to fight for him and your relationship, and you don't want to give up.
This struggle is so hard because it's not something you can see, not all wounds are visible, you have no idea what happened to him in his deployment that caused this, you have an idea where it might have happened, but you have no idea what actually happened. It's hard because his PTSD was lying dormant for a few years then what seemed like overnight it hit him, it's hard dealing with that, it's hard because even though it seemed like it came on over night, even though it most likely had been festering since the deployment, it's not getting better over night, it's not going away, he's not asking for help, he's getting worse and worse, and you can't help yet.
It's so frustrating because you feel like you are the only one seeing or admitting there's a problem, you wish you weren't alone in this too, but unfortunately you are. This fact that he has every symptom of PTSD and in all your reading it all fits doesn't make it any better, you know what's going on, but you question if you and your relationship meant so much why isn't that enough for him to want to get help yet. Why can't he see there's a problem, why isn't he willing to tear down the wall he's put up around himself yet. You see cracks in the wall, very small ones, but they are there just the same, you wish you could put a wedge in this cracks and expand them for him so he can see he needs help. He's pushed his emotions down, all of his hurt, pain, guilt, all of it down and he was doing really keeping it down for months, now it seems like it is all bubbling up like a volcano waiting to explode, but he's still trying to keep it down. You know that when it comes he won't be able to keep it down forever, you know that when it does come up it will be absolutely terrible, trying to deal with it all at once will hurt him so badly. You wish you could take this on for him. You are worried that if he doesn't get help with this before it all explodes he will hurt himself, someone else, or both, and that thought terrifies you, you don't want to lose him, he is the love of your life. You go to sleep every night wishing and praying that the next day will be the day he admits he needs help, you wake up in the morning and hope today is the day, then the cycle continues every day and every night until it actually happens.
You know that deep down he loves you with his whole heart, but just can't show it. You know that he cares about you, but can tell you. You know you are his true love too, the person he wants to marry and have a family with, but he can't think that way right now. You know how strong your relationship is, but right now you know there's a third party in the middle of you two, a mistress and her name is PTSD. You know his feelings for you are there, deep down buried, but still in there. At times you see your fiancé, the real one not the one effected by PTSD, you see it in his face and in his eyes and your heart breaks every time, but in a way it gives you hope you know he's still in there. The rest of the time his eyes are cold and hollow, they are empty, you know that the amount of pain you are in doesn't hold a candle to the pain he is in. You know that everything you are going though must be multiplied one hundred fold to what he's going though in his head, heart, body, and soul. He has not only pushed you away because you are that emotional connection, but he's pushed his religion away, something he grew up with and something that was such a big part of his life, another emotional connection. His religion, something that could save him, and he's pushed it away, but why you ask, is it the "shall not kill" part, you don't know for sure, but you wonder and you wish you could help.
You have to remember the positives, he wants you to wait for him, fight for him, he's had plenty of outs to tell you it's over and he hasn't taken them, he's done the opposite, he's tested you and gave you a few outs, you didn't take them either, you told him that you aren't going anywhere and he couldn't get rid of you that easy, you are like super glue and you are sticking with him until the end. You have to find that strength you have buried, you know it's in there somewhere, but where? It's time to find it. You might be fighting for him alone, but you will do it. Put your mind to it and don't let this PTSD win, don't let it beat you or him. Get strong for you and him. Get angry with PTSD. Don't let it bring you down. You can do this. If you love him and miss him as much as you say you do then fight for him! You know what's inside of you, go big or go home, fight for him and yourself! Step up! Never give up up, never back down, end of story. He is your one, then fight for him! You can do this, stop second guessing yourself, stop doubting yourself. Your life that you had might be a mess right now, your future might be on hold right now, but if you fight for him and with him when he is ready that future you had will be back and better then ever. Your relationship will be stronger and greater then it ever was. It's time, to suck it up, push forward, fight for him and yourself every step of the way. It's time, so what will you do? You are going to fight for him and your relationship!
Sincerely,
Myself, the girl that refuses to give up
Dear self,
I know what you are going through it very difficult, the always wondering, the self doubt, the confusion, the hurt, the pain, the heartache, the anger and frustration, the loss of confidence, the not knowing, the losing strength and fighting to find more, all the negative feelings, the dark place you keep going in and out of, all of it, it's not easy. All these put together is just a mess in your head.
I know that you get tired of people telling you that you are not alone and logically you know this too, but you still can't help but feeling like you are alone in this struggle, yes there are other people going though situations like this, but in the end you are alone in the battle for your fiancé. You have some really good people in your support group helping you to stay standing and not fall down when you start to collapse. This is your battle for your fiancé, your fight alone until he decides that he needs and wants help. It's hard sitting back and waiting for that time to come, you feel helpless and at times there's a small feeling of hopelessness mixed in there. You know you have done anything and everything you possibly can to help him. You have made many connections for him to get the help he so desperately needs and have done and keep doing as much learning as you possibly can about PTSD and you have sworn that you won't stop learning ever.
You are trying to do everything you can to take care of yourself not only for you, but to be ready to help your fiancé when he needs you. You know that you have to have it together if you are going to be there for him, you know you have to be strong now and extra strong when he needs you. I understand it's so hard to do though, with the pain and heartache you have, you sometimes just want to hibernate and not leave you apartment. It's hard to get motivated and up and moving to do something as simple as go to class or get ready for work or even study and do the homework you know you need to do to get through college and be one step closer to graduating. You know that everyday you have to get up and do something for yourself, go running, go tanning, just cook your favorite meal for yourself. It's so hard though to take care of yourself. You hurt everyday for your fiancé, ache for him and his love everyday, cry for him everyday. You miss him more and more everyday, you love him unconditionally, you know you would battle this for him if you could, you would die for him, you would do anything for him. You waited for him once and you will do it again, he is your soulmate, your one true love and you want to fight for him and your relationship, and you don't want to give up.
This struggle is so hard because it's not something you can see, not all wounds are visible, you have no idea what happened to him in his deployment that caused this, you have an idea where it might have happened, but you have no idea what actually happened. It's hard because his PTSD was lying dormant for a few years then what seemed like overnight it hit him, it's hard dealing with that, it's hard because even though it seemed like it came on over night, even though it most likely had been festering since the deployment, it's not getting better over night, it's not going away, he's not asking for help, he's getting worse and worse, and you can't help yet.
It's so frustrating because you feel like you are the only one seeing or admitting there's a problem, you wish you weren't alone in this too, but unfortunately you are. This fact that he has every symptom of PTSD and in all your reading it all fits doesn't make it any better, you know what's going on, but you question if you and your relationship meant so much why isn't that enough for him to want to get help yet. Why can't he see there's a problem, why isn't he willing to tear down the wall he's put up around himself yet. You see cracks in the wall, very small ones, but they are there just the same, you wish you could put a wedge in this cracks and expand them for him so he can see he needs help. He's pushed his emotions down, all of his hurt, pain, guilt, all of it down and he was doing really keeping it down for months, now it seems like it is all bubbling up like a volcano waiting to explode, but he's still trying to keep it down. You know that when it comes he won't be able to keep it down forever, you know that when it does come up it will be absolutely terrible, trying to deal with it all at once will hurt him so badly. You wish you could take this on for him. You are worried that if he doesn't get help with this before it all explodes he will hurt himself, someone else, or both, and that thought terrifies you, you don't want to lose him, he is the love of your life. You go to sleep every night wishing and praying that the next day will be the day he admits he needs help, you wake up in the morning and hope today is the day, then the cycle continues every day and every night until it actually happens.
You know that deep down he loves you with his whole heart, but just can't show it. You know that he cares about you, but can tell you. You know you are his true love too, the person he wants to marry and have a family with, but he can't think that way right now. You know how strong your relationship is, but right now you know there's a third party in the middle of you two, a mistress and her name is PTSD. You know his feelings for you are there, deep down buried, but still in there. At times you see your fiancé, the real one not the one effected by PTSD, you see it in his face and in his eyes and your heart breaks every time, but in a way it gives you hope you know he's still in there. The rest of the time his eyes are cold and hollow, they are empty, you know that the amount of pain you are in doesn't hold a candle to the pain he is in. You know that everything you are going though must be multiplied one hundred fold to what he's going though in his head, heart, body, and soul. He has not only pushed you away because you are that emotional connection, but he's pushed his religion away, something he grew up with and something that was such a big part of his life, another emotional connection. His religion, something that could save him, and he's pushed it away, but why you ask, is it the "shall not kill" part, you don't know for sure, but you wonder and you wish you could help.
You have to remember the positives, he wants you to wait for him, fight for him, he's had plenty of outs to tell you it's over and he hasn't taken them, he's done the opposite, he's tested you and gave you a few outs, you didn't take them either, you told him that you aren't going anywhere and he couldn't get rid of you that easy, you are like super glue and you are sticking with him until the end. You have to find that strength you have buried, you know it's in there somewhere, but where? It's time to find it. You might be fighting for him alone, but you will do it. Put your mind to it and don't let this PTSD win, don't let it beat you or him. Get strong for you and him. Get angry with PTSD. Don't let it bring you down. You can do this. If you love him and miss him as much as you say you do then fight for him! You know what's inside of you, go big or go home, fight for him and yourself! Step up! Never give up up, never back down, end of story. He is your one, then fight for him! You can do this, stop second guessing yourself, stop doubting yourself. Your life that you had might be a mess right now, your future might be on hold right now, but if you fight for him and with him when he is ready that future you had will be back and better then ever. Your relationship will be stronger and greater then it ever was. It's time, to suck it up, push forward, fight for him and yourself every step of the way. It's time, so what will you do? You are going to fight for him and your relationship!
Sincerely,
Myself, the girl that refuses to give up
