Relationship Letting Go And No Contact

[DeedeeRSM]

My ex and I were together for 3 years. The first 2 years he didnt tell me about his PTSD.

He was verbally abusive, cheating, commitment phobic on the one hand. But the most fun, witty, child-like enjoyable, loving deeply on the other hand

He broke up with me each time we fought, reached up to us not being in contact for a couple of weeks, and then he'd call me again

After 2 years I had had it..I concluded that he was a manipulative psychopath and left. Soon when I started dating someone else he came back and lured me back in. This is when he told me about what he had been through and what had caused it. And how it caused him to live like he did today. He didn't even know it was PTSD.

I felt guilty about being angry about his distancing behaviours immidiately and I tried to make him undertstand the severity of his situation. I helped him get to his therapy and I started doing all kinds of research on PTSD. I became tolerant about him needing space and time alone. How could I do anything else? I felt so bad for him and I was the only person he had ever told this to.

While I was trying my best to never get angry when he shut me out again, his behaviour towards me even got worse. He started telling me that he would treat me better when he got better, that this wasnt his real self. That he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. That I should ride through it until brighter days. And so I did, I decided to ride through it.Meanwhile he was slacking his therapy. Only made time for his hobbies.

I got yelled at, lied to, manipulated, isolated weekly. He was also addicted to masturbation so the physical aspect of our relationship was minimal. I was living for the 2 times a week we would get together. I couldnt wait for him to start feeling better so we could start building a life.

On the other hand, he did so many things for me, we did so many fun things together and his family and I, we loved each other.

Then the moment came when I realized that he wouldnt change. A person that can use PTSD as an excuse to treat someone badly in such a manner, will not change..I left him with so much pain in my heart. Hoping that this time I would get through it and not give into him calling me after 2 weeks to make up.

I figured that it's not called a relationship when you see each other 2 times a week after 3 years, and then get yelled at for nothing on those dates. I was betrayed, lonely, isolated, co-dependent, no self-esteem left, and miserable. Yet I was feeling sorry for him, believed that him and I belonged together, and trying to help him all the time...

It has almost been 2 weeks and he sent me a message today. I'm sitting here crying because I miss him and I love him on the one hand and I know that if I ever want to get out of this cycle I must stay out of touch on the other. I know it would be better for him and myself. I know I cant keep enabling him the environment to believe that he doesnt need to get therapy. And I know I have to get out of my co-dependent ways.

Feels good to share this with all of you, you know how I feel.
Since nobody in my environment is familiar with PTSD, they always assume and tell me he's ''just an *sshole''. I stopped talking to them about it long ago.

After 3 years I'm going to break the cycle and not respond to him reaching out again. I pray for strength.
I'm exhausted.

 

[rightkindofme]

Just because someone has PTSD that doesn't give them a blank check to treat you badly. It's time to move on to someone who will be nice to you.

You did all you could. That has to be enough.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I know this...It's just so hard, I'm so used to him and having fun with him...
Sometimes I wish we had never become lovers and stayed friends ..I'm gonna miss his friendship, he was the best at that

 

[Sweetpea76]

Stay strong! That is a bad situation, and you are absolutely doing the right thing, even if it hurts.

 

[Mtnativecohome]

Focus on getting help with the codependent part, I have been working on myself and it really helps. Hard habits to break, but finding why you are codependent will help set you free of it. Also read about betrayal bonds.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I went ahead right away to read about betrayal bonds, I had never heard of it..
Kind of a shock, it explains it like a textbook case...

Still find myself making excuses for him though, I still think he was a different person before the PTSD, but PSD it's no excuse to treat someone badly in this way, I must start to understand this notion.

It's not helping that I'm extremely empathic and used to abusive behaviours altered with kindness (my dad)..This is going to be a life changer for me..if I get through this, fingers crossed.

ps. I know it might maybe sounds ridiculous to some of you, but being brought up in a household where verbal and emotional abuse is part of the day, you become numb and extremely tolerating as an adult. I would say, I didnt even know better than this was normal, and everybody's relationships were like this if you'd asked me 2 years ago:bag:

 

[nursenurse]

Did that with the non-PTSD ex husband. The problem is the internalization of whatever they say, whatever they call you, then you end up with the little voice that says how bad you are. Takes a while to work that out of your system.

My way of thinking is that PTSD will cause bad traits that were always there but somewhat controlled, to surface more easily.

Regardless, you are wise to cut your losses, you gave him a chance, he blew it. No more excuses for him. PTSD does not equal nasty and abusive. You deserve better out of life. Good luck :)

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Yes Nursenurse, that voice is there all the time. It has gotten to a point where the voice doesnt only get involved in romantic relationships, that voice is always there. Because I isolated myself so long, now this voice is also making me extremely conscious about every little detail when I'm trying to form normal friendships.

To be honest I've lost all faith in my own ability to form healthy relationships. I've build a wall around me and my low self esteem and I, we're living together in our own tiny world atm. The past years where the biggest learning experience in my life

This too shall pass.

 

[nursenurse]

I have soooo been there. Took me five years to get myself back out there, then I got my now Ex Dude, aaaargh!!!!! Like bad gas they will pass, lol. But it takes so much time. It's been four months since the Dude and I broke off, and I chide myself as to how I could not see through his lies. I have had some closure, but it sure doesn't make me eager to jump into the pot again. Some friends suggest on line dating. Now tell me, if I had trouble discerning in real life, how the hell am I supposed to discern on a medium that lends itself to embellishment and lies? This is as bad at my just slightly past middle age as it was as a teenager. Nuts.

 

[Kissing My Teeth]

As a sufferer, I am sooooooo sorry that we put you through this :-(

Reading your story made me so emotional and teary eyed. It gave me quite the picturesque insight as to how I made made my wife feel, she didn't deserve that, you don't deserve that :-(

The difference is that I really did try and still anticipate counseling, peer support groups, specialized programs etc ... But still was not the answer for me or the wake up call I needed, or at least as fast as I needed.

Your partner is going to hate me for saying this: but if he is refusing to try and get help or refuse to go to counseling and making excuses to avoid getting better, then that is not someone that wants to get better. Even though I'm not with my wife anymore, I'm still involved with a lot of PTSD related help resources. Ironically, it was the letting me go that was a wake up call for me.. I just wished that NOW I can put it to the test

You sound like you do have a lot of fun with him when he doesn't have his outbreaks..... Wouldn't it be nice if he genuinely wanted to get better and be that way with you all the time?

I wished that my wife said that to me then gave me one last chance to prove that I can do this, that we can do this.

Good luck

 

[DeedeeRSM]

You sound like you do have a lot of fun with him when he doesn't have his outbreaks..... Wouldn't it be nice if he genuinely wanted to get better and be that way with you all the time?

This was all I ever wanted KissingMyTeeth...all I ever fought for. I out up with everything waiting for him to get to it....
But he either lied about wanting to heal asap, or he's just too far gone and doesnt have the heart to get to therapy. He often told me he doesnt want to go to therapy because the memories break him down for days after talking about his trauma causes..So I cant determine whether he was genuine or not, all I know is that the hurting got the best of me and I cant take it any longer.

If only he would have acknowledged that he knew how he was behaving towards me, that wouldve been enough maybe. But he basically just said all the time that I had to sit through his episodes and his lying and distrust until he got better.

Love is not enough, devotion has an equal part. It's all about compromising, otherwise it's not healthy nor mutual. In my future relationships (if I will ever have one again) I will take this lesson with me.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Some friends suggest on line dating.

I know a lot of people that found their partners through the internet but I gotta say, I tried long ago and I'm not good at it. I have to see someone in real life to like or dislike them...

I'm so happy for you you have closure...I might never get it, my ex is used to coming back every so many weeks. Every time I tried talking to him about closure he got upset and guilttripped me into ''abandoning'' him in this mental state...

He believes that I should be there for him through his struggles no matter what, and not think about how he treats me because ''all that will be over nce he starts healing''.