Relationship Letting Go Is Not Giving Up...

[Gen]

I stumbled upon this website when I was so confused on what had happened with my relationship with my now ex. I was resolute on finding consolation somehow in understanding what he might be going through and if there was a chance we could be again.

After reading and being able to vent I know that this is just what I needed, I needed someone who knew what I was feeling, who was just as confused, who understood. I've gotten so much insight and understand more the complexities of ptsd.

My heart broke knowing there was nothing I could do to salvage my relationship, I went through all the emotions that encompass a relationship and all those that encompass a long distance one with someone in the military and feeling cheated and just wronged. I've come to understand my pain and separated it from his feeling.

I love him more than I could possibly explain and I know that if I love him as much as I say I do I have to accept that right now he just can't love me and be with me, he can't give me the attention, and that he simply cannot be in a relationship because of his day to day struggles. I would have wanted to fight, fight for him and what I wanted, what I feel and what I was so sure of, but you cannot fight for someone who does not let you.

I gave up a lot in conforming to not pushing him for more in convincing myself that someday he would open up like he used to, that he would see his self worth, and just how much he meant to me. Sometimes in not wanting to accept in reliving all the lovely memories we hurt ourselves more than they could or did. I believe and have faith that I loved him for a reason, that this pain is not in vain and that someday we might be friends, someday we might be again and that someday maybe he'll think of me with good memories. God has a plan for me and for him, it just isn't for us to be together anymore, right now or maybe ever again but I am willing to accept that.

I know I did the best to love this person and help them in what I could. I sent him a final goodbye letting him know that I still loved him and missed him, that no matter what I would always think of him as a good person and with all the lovely memories that involved loving him. That I was proud of him and all his many accomplishments and that he should too, I told him to follow his dreams and do what he always said he wanted, that I was sorry for me and my love not being enough to surpass whatever emotion decided wanted out of our relationship. I let him know I'd be a friend and if he ever needed me I'd be there.

My cousin who served in marines for 10 years really sat me down when I didn't want to hear it from anyone else and said "they only thing you can do right now is be a friend, I know you don't want to hear that and I'm sorry that I don't know how you feel but I know how he feels, what he's going through and I know that no matter what you do and how much you want him to feel, he just isn't" I took it in stride because it was in good faith and I trusted him. I am still hurt and sometimes don't want to understand but I know the importance now more than ever of my life not stopping just because he's not in it anymore or because he can't guide me through it. I have my own persona to work on, my family to love, friends to appreciate, and so many blessings to be happy for. I'll still need to write here because all of this will always be a process but I thank all of you for being kind for giving insight for understanding for knowing and for listening above all.

So like I said I'm not giving up, I'm just going to try to let go of him because I know that clinging onto him and the hopes of him coming back aren't healthy and are unlikely. I wish for him to find the help he needs and ultimately that he remembers who he was before he lost sight of it.

I know moving on is hard and I'm sure that I'm giving myself the push more than I'm ready but I can't allow myself to suffer more I will always love him I just can't wait for something that might never happen.

Sometimes I feel ashamed for feeling like so because of all the promises I made about not forgetting and never letting go but in those instances he was always there to welcome my love not ignore me or ruin what could have been. I wanted to keep my promises because I meant them with all my heart but now I don't blame him for not being strong enough to keep his, I hope he figures out just what he needs and finds help. :( I'm sorry for the long post sometimes I just can't help but write.

Again thank you all.

your opinions and thoughts are welcome always, sometimes its easier to see your thoughts or know what you feel when others do the same.

 

[ProudWife99]

You could be created perfectly to handle every situation perfectly and it would not have been "enough" for him. His distance and pain have little to do with what you've done and more to do with what he is been through. If he feels pain in regards to you, it is probably the pressure of feeling like a failure because HE could not be better. I think you did an excellent thing by letting him off the hook of that, telling him you were still proud and still considered him a good man. Good for you!

I understand your shame about the promises, but shame is a no good, useless emotion. It takes energy yet gives nothing in return but negative feedback in an already pretty negative situation. You cannot keep a promise to someone who will not allow you to. I promised my ex boyfriend I would always be with him. When he began beating me repeatedly, he lost his right to my end of the promise. My husband promises to always keep me safe, but if I walk into a dark alley way in a bad part of town alone saying "Hi, I'm unarmed" he cannot keep his promise to me.

The concept of a promise is that we keep it at any cost, but that is sometimes just impossible. A promise in regards to the status of a relationship is not a one way road to travel down. Give yourself a break, give yourself some love, and give yourself a chance to heal.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Oh Gen, that is so sad and so strong too.

Sending some healing thoughts in both your directions.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Gen, you can only be honest, and you were kind, too, which means a lot.

Please believe me when I say, it's nothing 'lacking' in you, but as PW99 said, a product of what he's been through and where he's at (or isn't).

You have dreams you need to make come true, and you have to be true to yourself, and what you need, what you hope for. That will bring you happiness. Perhaps 'you' are (also) meant for someone else, and the family you may raise, etc.

It sounds when you made your promise you did it the best you could, but without full understanding. It is still better to be forthright and honest now, otherwise it would never work out anyway. You's just be so sad and postponing the inevitable, likely.
It is not your fault.

Because I am now old (lol),and because I've lived with this a long time, I realize promises are not something that can ever be said without tremendous understanding of the 'unknowns' a promise encompasses. And quite frankly with ptsd, it's biting off more than most people could chew. In good conscience, I find it very hard to understand how anyone can deal with it, and in many ways I really feel it's a horrible burden to expect someone to, in all fairness (I say this as a sufferer).

You have been supportive and loving and patient, that's all anyone could try to be.

((((Hugs))))

 

[Gen]

Thanks Junebug, Proudwife99, and Pale warrior, I do have to try and make more dreams ones that no longer include him.

For a long time I beat myself up about the fact that he made so many promises, I don't know if he fell out of love, found another, or it really is the ptsd. I just know he hurts and that being with wasn't enough to surpass his feeling so he ended things. I was devastated but I am actively trying everyday to accept what is and try to let go as best as possible.

I still want to find love, happiness, build a home and family with someone that is willing to fight for it because truthfully I knew his struggles I just thought we meant enough to him to surpass it.

Things didn't end by my doing and so sometimes my anxiety, jealousy, insecurities and more kick into high gear like any human being and I speculate of him finding another or being with another. I realize that if he is as heart breaking as it is I cannot do anything about it and that someday I'll be enough for someone I wasn't for him but I could never think of him badly. As for promises I was willing to keep all of mine I always told him to not promise things he could not keep but well I don't know.

Sometimes the doubts cloud my judgement and I think so much about where I went wrong but then I find myself getting so angry that I know its not healthy so I just take a deep breath, hold my hand over my heart and remind myself that I am loved, I have dreams and aspirations and that like him I hurt but its distinct and that I just want the best for him even if thats not me anymore.

 

[laa100]

Hi, Gen,

So sorry for what you are going through. As you know from commenting on my post in another thread, I am in the same spot you are in. I have felt/feel all of the things you describe. The anxiety and insecurity are really overwhelming. Sometimes I felt like I was going crazy. I was getting so many mixed messages that I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. There were times near the end that I suspected he may have been with other women. I didn't have anything concrete, but there were things that were just 'off'. I never mentioned anything because I knew that by that point I didn't trust him anyway. I didn't trust that he could be committed emotionally to our relationship on any level. So, if he was seeing other women, for me it was just one more thing. How could I feel jealous when I know that he isn't in a place where he is emotionally capable of really connecting with someone in a meaningful way. That's why I ended it.

As I mentioned in my other post, while I didn't see any alternative to ending the relationship, I didn't want to do it and I am really struggling with it.

I run marathons, which when I face difficulty, I often use as a metaphor. When I start a long run that I really don't want to do, I just put my head down, put one foot in front of the other, and push myself until I get to the end. Sometimes the miles fly by and I feel strong, then I might get to a place where my knees/hips/hamstrings are aching and all I want to to is quit. I keep going though, because I will eventually cross the finish line, and when I do, I feel so good and it is a reminder of what I am capable of.

Hugs to you, and remember every step you take is moving you forward, and it is one less step you have to take to get yourself to the finish line...........

 

[sisu]

GREAT metaphor laa 100!! I LOVE it!!

 

[Pale Warrior]

Sometimes the end is the end.

Self preservation kicks in and a decision is made. At that point, second guessing is moot and the future needs focus and energy so self care and self soothing needs attention. Distraction and a bit of social interation can ease the transition but it still hurts.

No matter how we may intellectualise our decision and the process leading to it, the loss is still viceral and resonates deeply. For me this resonance brings back shadow memories of times when my brain was like that in the past. The old ghosts can start to circle.

Well done you Gen, I am feeling hopeful for you.

 

[ronnalee]

I wanted to keep my promises because I meant them with all my heart but now I don't blame him for not being strong enough to keep his, I hope he figures out just what he needs and finds help.

This shows me your strength! He is not strong enough to keep his promises....thank you for articulating this so beautifully. :whistling::)

Self preservation kicks in and a decision is made.

I decided I really wanted to preserve my own safety and I could not do this and continue living with my sufferer. Becoming aware of my need for personal safety was a biggee. This was huge! I am demonstrating that I care for myself and my sufferer by my actions. I am no longer interested in him deciding to behave badly.

 

[Shanny Banany]

I hate PTSD. I hate what it does to people. I hate what it has stolen from me in my marriage. Gen - your ex is just quite plainly not healthy. PTSD robs people of peace and joy. I know you are hurting now, but from someone who has lived with a spouse with PTSD for more than 21 years - I hope and pray you would be able to find someone who can love you and participate in marriage and in life with you. Relationships are always difficult, but with PTSD in the mix - it makes it almost impossible. Blessing on you as you move forward.

 

[bell]

@Gen, I just wanted to say that I started reading your original post on the bus yesterday on the way home from work. It was so beautiful and spoken from the heart that it made me cry. As someone (who is a sufferer) who has also had to let go of someone I loved (and still love) very much, I understand everything you wrote. It was probably the hardest decision I have ever made, but it was the right one. And, in my heart, I also know it was right one for him too, because he needs to focus on getting stronger himself before he can fully be in a relationship. (And, to be honest, so do I, even though I've been putting my big toe in the water about dating, as I've realized that I can't wait forever and that if it is meant to be, it will be. Some days, that seems like it's all I hold on to.)

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak, but thank you wholeheartedly for your candor, both as a sufferer and as someone who loves one. And take care of your dear self through all of this, that's vital to this process!