munkinmama
Silver Member
I have had a hard time explaining an incident that happened to me 3 years ago. So with my family getting concerned I decided to start to inform the family who were causing drama first. I doubt they will understand but I felt I had to tell them first so this is what I emailed them. They have been freaking out after I changed my number. Part of the reason was because of them the other was what I mentioned in the email.
EMAIL
This is hard for me to even write this email. I am living in a constant hell that no one can really understand. I have kept many things from family and friends because it has been too much for to even fathom I went through such an experience. I suffer in silence out of fear of being judged. I suffer in silence because of the petty family feuding that sometimes takes over. There are some thing I have experienced I am still trying to get grips on. I am great at putting on a mask and act like I am ok when I want nothing more then to crawl under a rock. I have suffered many traumas and have gotten through them ok. I have one tool for coping that is more valuable then I had ever hoped. That tool is Jellybean. I know i have not communicating with many people which has brought up some concerns. Even when concerns are brought to my attention I go to my default of I am fine. The reality is I am NOT fine. As I stated before there are something that have happened to me that I have not told anyone because I am still trying to make sense of the inicident. I will tell people in my own time. So you might be wondering what happened and why am i talking in what appears to be code. I am trying at this moment to get the courage to tell you what happened to me. I ask before I tell you what happened please do not question me, do not talk about this to anyone I will tell them when I am ready. Ok here it goes.
I have endured all forms of abuse, a rape before I was 25,I have even been stalked.I had not imagined I would have experienced anything this bad ever. There is an aspect of my PTSD and anxiety I have not discussed with any of the family. One aspect of my PTSD that i experienced before getting Jellybean was what is known as disassociation blackout. What that meant is I would panic and I would disassociate. This was unnerving because i would essentially loose time. It was not usually bad I would often loose 2 hours when it happened and I could not for the life of me remember what i had done.This was hard for me to even explain to others if they had not gone through this. My fear was people would say I was making things up. The worst episode happened 3 years ago before I met Day. i was on my way to meet a friend for coffee. He had not given me any reason to doubt our friendship. I had known him a few years. On my way to see him I had one of my blackout episodes this one was bad and in someways i am grateful. This blackout was 6 hours and I have the belief it was my brains way of protecting me. This "friend" took advantage of the situation and I know this because he later bragged about it to me. He describe things that he and 6 of his friends did to me for 4 hours. I will not go into details as it is too upsetting for me tell you about. I did go to the police and no one in this house knew I did. As in my past experiences the police sort of believed me. This time was harder because I could not give them many details. They suggested I change my number because this guy who used to be my friend started contacting me again. He was asking me if I wanted to go through another experience as he thinks I enjoyed. I have tried to be strong and act like nothing happened but I can not pretend anymore. I ask please in this hard time to give me some space so I can have some time to figure things out. You can call me on my cell, email or send me a message on Facebook. Again please let me tell the others in my own time as I said I am still processing this.This is one reason I find it so difficult to leave my house for fear of running into one of the seven men who did this to me. I had blocked it out but now it is something I have to heal through I am working with my psychiatrist and therapist so I am getting help.
Thank You for your understanding .
This is hard for me to even write this email. I am living in a constant hell that no one can really understand. I have kept many things from family and friends because it has been too much for to even fathom I went through such an experience. I suffer in silence out of fear of being judged. I suffer in silence because of the petty family feuding that sometimes takes over. There are some thing I have experienced I am still trying to get grips on. I am great at putting on a mask and act like I am ok when I want nothing more then to crawl under a rock. I have suffered many traumas and have gotten through them ok. I have one tool for coping that is more valuable then I had ever hoped. That tool is Jellybean. I know i have not communicating with many people which has brought up some concerns. Even when concerns are brought to my attention I go to my default of I am fine. The reality is I am NOT fine. As I stated before there are something that have happened to me that I have not told anyone because I am still trying to make sense of the inicident. I will tell people in my own time. So you might be wondering what happened and why am i talking in what appears to be code. I am trying at this moment to get the courage to tell you what happened to me. I ask before I tell you what happened please do not question me, do not talk about this to anyone I will tell them when I am ready. Ok here it goes.
I have endured all forms of abuse, a rape before I was 25,I have even been stalked.I had not imagined I would have experienced anything this bad ever. There is an aspect of my PTSD and anxiety I have not discussed with any of the family. One aspect of my PTSD that i experienced before getting Jellybean was what is known as disassociation blackout. What that meant is I would panic and I would disassociate. This was unnerving because i would essentially loose time. It was not usually bad I would often loose 2 hours when it happened and I could not for the life of me remember what i had done.This was hard for me to even explain to others if they had not gone through this. My fear was people would say I was making things up. The worst episode happened 3 years ago before I met Day. i was on my way to meet a friend for coffee. He had not given me any reason to doubt our friendship. I had known him a few years. On my way to see him I had one of my blackout episodes this one was bad and in someways i am grateful. This blackout was 6 hours and I have the belief it was my brains way of protecting me. This "friend" took advantage of the situation and I know this because he later bragged about it to me. He describe things that he and 6 of his friends did to me for 4 hours. I will not go into details as it is too upsetting for me tell you about. I did go to the police and no one in this house knew I did. As in my past experiences the police sort of believed me. This time was harder because I could not give them many details. They suggested I change my number because this guy who used to be my friend started contacting me again. He was asking me if I wanted to go through another experience as he thinks I enjoyed. I have tried to be strong and act like nothing happened but I can not pretend anymore. I ask please in this hard time to give me some space so I can have some time to figure things out. You can call me on my cell, email or send me a message on Facebook. Again please let me tell the others in my own time as I said I am still processing this.This is one reason I find it so difficult to leave my house for fear of running into one of the seven men who did this to me. I had blocked it out but now it is something I have to heal through I am working with my psychiatrist and therapist so I am getting help.
Thank You for your understanding .
