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Telling a lie to my fiancé about not knowing the man I kissed

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Hi there,

A few months into my relationship about (4-5 months) when I was freshly 21 years old, this is also my one and only real relationship, previously only repeatedly dealt with jocks which revolved around playing mind games and nothing was ever genuine.

Anyways, early on into my relationship I had gone on a trip to visit some cousins and party and whatnot.

I didn't think much of it was just ready to have some fun. now the year prior which was months before I had even met my boyfriend, my cousins had a friend who I ended up getting drunk and kissed one night. Once I left I forgot he existed and went on with my life, met some more horrible boys which in turn made my attitude towards love quite strained and very much "I dont care". Later on when I finally met my now boyfriend, something felt different about him and it felt right, even though I was very guarded I knew he was special and he made me feel special too.

So then the summer comes around again, we were doing very well I was still a bit guarded but definitely opened up some more and I planned another trip to visit my cousins. First few days were really good until one night I got extremely intoxicated to the point where I dont really remember even getting to the club and then that boy from the previous summer and I kissed again. I remember throwing up after in the bathroom and just being like WTF just happened. I want to stress that while he was present at the pre-game I did not talk to him, I said hi to the group collectively and that was honestly it, then that happened.

Fast forward to coming home from the trip I felt incredibly awful for what I had done, I love my boyfriend so much more than anyone and I have never loved anyone the way Ilove him so this event made me feel horrendous. I was having nightmares etc. about a month later it was my birthday party and sometime through the night I decided to tell him what I had done. Very awful night lots of tears, we ended up breaking up and went a month with no contact.

I was in the worst state of my life and began using very awful methods to deal with it (or not deal with it) such as drinking alone, smoking alone, self-harm, missed classes, failed midterms etc. eventually after that month he called me and came over and we ended up talking and getting back together.

Here is my problem. While I have been 100000% faithful since, when I told him what I had done I said that the person I kissed was a random guy from the bars. In my mind at the time I said that because truthfully I know nothing about this person besides the fact that he's my cousins friend, I never had any feelings for him or anything remotely close to that it was just a moment of weakness and intoxication. I also did not tell him because I thought that by telling him that I had met him once previously and kissed drunkenly then as well (way before my bf and I ever even met) he would have not believed when I said I had no feelings or intention to do such thing or ever pursue anything further.

Come now in the present, I am 23 years old we have been together for over two years and are planning to get engaged in the next few months. I can genuinely say I love him with every inch of my soul and I pray for him daily. I pray to God everyday and ask for forgiveness and for him to bless our relationship, future engagement and marriage. I would truly take a bullet for this man and I am so blessed to have experienced his love and I will continue to love and cherish him until the day I die.

I am asking now, do you think I should tell him that I did very briefly "know" (not really but you know what I mean) the person who my infidelity happened with or just let it pass and leave it in the past.

I have in the past two years grown a lot closer to God and gotten advice in both directions and I just am not sure I still feel guilty for not being honestly with him 100% but I know I Love him with all that I am and I never thought I would love anyone the way I love him.
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