Life Before This

[schnauzerbabies]

Do any of you remember life before trauma? And if so What was it like, or what do you remember?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi there everyone!

This is an awesome question in my opinion and I personally would love to know the answer. I have the deep feeling the answer will be similar to the answer I get when I ask what hearing is like. Theoretically reasonable, but not something I can imagine.

As you can probably surmise from this, my trauma started early as well as my coping strategies are a part of me. My mom can clearly remember me as a different kind of infant. I have had the 1000 mile stare regularly since I was just a couple months old. I never cried or fussed. Dissociation was my coping skill and drug of choice.

 

[schnauzerbabies]

Dissociation can feel so good sometimes. Thank you for your input.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I can't remember that life either, but I've heard that I was a true brat that was a pain in the eye for everyone. When does trauma start? Is it trauma for a child to see her mother being used as a punching ball or do they find it normal? Maybe the screams scare them?
Sorry, I can only remember being ready to punch back, hide, scream or pretend I wasn't there. I was looking for the Wizzard of Oz 'cause he would know what to do :cautious:

 

[ronin47]

No. My PTSD is from child abuse that started very early, so I do not know a life with no trauma.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, no, I certainly can't remember a time when trauma and abuse weren't part of my world. My earliest childhood memories are of violent acts, and my earliest memories of feeling or emotion are of painful uncomfortable emotional experiences that I was too young to understand or name. I think that some of the reason that I sometimes struggle so much to describe the origin or nature of my feelings or reactions is that many of them formed during my pre-lingual phase when I had no words to define them.

Outside of my immediate abusive family unit, there is nobody who knew me in those earliest months and years who could or ever would tell me what I was like or if anything was ever any diferent, so I suppose I will never know.

T made a really poignant statement to me once when we were talking about this very issue. He said that while I may not remember a time before the trauma, I was now in a place where I could begin building a life after it. For some reason, that really stayed with me.

Awesome thread.

Maddog

 

[VDWngr1355]

My trauma didn't happen until I was in my 20s and lasted for 6 years. I remember my childhood and it was great overall and I remember my late teens and very early 20s, and it was great as well. I still have a hard time relating to that previous life and it actually upsets me at times because I don't get joy out of the things I did before my trauma. I keep trying to bring that person back and I haven't been able to and it is upsetting.

 

[schnauzerbabies]

I don't remember life before my trauma either. It started when I was really young. I have a goal of getting better, but I sometimes wonder what that means, or what it would feel like.

Thanks maddog, that is a really cool statement.

 

[Ajf7849d]

Dissociation can feel so good sometimes. Thank you for your input.

Haha, you're damn right it does! :tup:

I do somewhat. I was hit when I was 13, so I do remember the pre-13 years. I was sort of popular when I was younger, so the kids I knew pre-13 would constantly bring up "Why aren't you smart anymore?" and "Why doesn't he talk" and all that fun stuff. They were good kids, I still miss them...

What I remember the most is the video games I used to enjoy, and occasionally I'll have a flashback of what it felt like to be outside having fun on a warm summer day, or how miserable I would be when it was raining and I'd come home soggy. Simple, yet moving things like that. Usually whenever there's a calm breeze in the air I can take myself back to some random childhood memory, like riding my shoddy little scooter or something like that. I get really excited whenever it's even slightly windy, it just makes me feel like I'm alive again. Sometimes I'll be going through a math assignment, getting everything right, and I'll get a faint glimpse of how I used to methodically tear apart "complex" math equations when I was a kid. Stuff like that.

They used to be really strong, beautiful flashbacks, but they've kind of dulled over the years. For a couple years I had barely any recollection of what pre-13 was like, and I spent about a year trying to piece it all together. Thank God for Youtube, but according to my siblings my recollection of events is totally wrong. I don't really care, I just enjoy how cohesive the whole picture looks now.

...that ended up being long. One thing I should note, though, is that I can't connect the two periods of time together. They just don't fit. It doesn't make any sense, so I view both times as being different people. It makes more sense for me that way. The old Lolarama is dead, I tell myself. It's more calming than it sounds.

Also, sorry I forgot about this, but I can't listen to metal anymore. I used to love it in the months prior to all the stuff that went down and the months during, but I can't stand it anymore. It sounds terrible. My hate for it developed almost immediately after things started to seem like they were getting better.

 

[schnauzerbabies]

Wow that is pretty interesting Thanks for sharing that with me.

 

[Ajf7849d]

I'm not diagnosed, so take that all with a grain of salt. I identify a lot with what I read here, though it seems like a lot of people are too quick to attribute certain things to having PTSD. Though I guess there's no way to really know what's "normal behavior".

Anyway, yeah, I dunno how relevant I am to answering your question but I thought I'd share.