Relationship Life Crumbling

[bewildered]

Hi everyone,

I am new here, and will give a little bit of my story. I need people to talk to about all of this that I am going through, and who can help me to better understand what is going on and what I can do. Please excuse the long rant.

I got married to my wife 3 years ago and we were together for a year before that. We met online, she was in the US, I flew down there to meet her, we fell madly in love, and she dropped her life to move up here with me. She proposed to me within days of me being down there, and I agreed. We came up to Canada and immediately set to work on extending her stay, set a date for marriage, and I started to find work to sponsor her. We wrote our own wedding ceremony, and were deeply in love.

We have always had intimacy issues, at least from the day she arrived in Canada. I knew she had been through an abusive and traumatic episode 2 relationships before me. It was hard for me to eve hear about it was so bad. She seemed to be coping with it, but once we got to Canada, she started to push me away more, she would withdraw when I tried to kiss her sometimes, sex was sporadic or non-existent. We stayed in a lot together. I started working remotely, as did she, and we lived in a small bedroom in a community house with my friends for a number of years. There were arguments that arose, and we dealt with them. We both knew there was healing that needed to be done, but she was committed to doing it with me. I tried to find other ways to communicate and receive love that she was comfortable with.

Finally, we managed to move to a smaller city close by and we bought a house together, about 8 months ago. It was a step towards our dream of buying land and building community. Finally, her Permanent Residency arrived, days before a trip she planned to return home and see friends. She was gone for 3 weeks. Upon her return, she was a different person. She felt trapped by our relationship and marriage, suffocated by the obligation to me, everything that reminded her of me was making her physically ill, the whole house was triggering, our conversations turned into cold and hurtful arguments where I was holding on to our marriage and she wanted to throw away our relationship.

She was telling me very forcefully things like she wasn't in love with me any more, she was attracted to other people, she wasn't interested in me romantically, that she wanted to move out and needed space. At the same time, she was also asking me to remain married to her so she could stay in Canada. She was afraid of losing me as a friend, and didn't want me to burn a bridge. She didn't understand why us separating was hurting me so much, saying I didn't really love her if I didn't support the breakup. Yet, in more lucid moments, she told me she loved me and cared, that she was hurt and confused, but that she wanted to work through it. She would break down crying saying she was confused and hurting, and didn't know what she wanted or what she was doing.

She also told me that she had feelings for a friend and ex of hers in the US. She asked for permission to sleep with him, which I did not feel comfortable with. While she was away and breaking down in tears with different friends, she made out with 2 people. She thought she might be polyamoros. She was in massive fight/flight mode, not thinking clearly, unable to communicate empathetically, or to see consequences to her actions.

She couldn't even cohabit with me in the same space. My presence was making her physically sick. She moved a bed into her office which was the one safe room in the house for her. She kept me very distant, and couldn't even deal with my emotions or needs. Every conversation was a mine field.

She was planning to move out into an apartment, but we compromised and she returned home to the US for a month or two to decompress and hopefully come to a place where she could think more clearly before making any big decisions.

The change has been so rapid it worries me. She seems unhealthy now. Before she left, she wasn't eating a lot, and was drinking more than she ever has in my relationship with her. The person she wants to sleep with is where she is now, though she told me she wouldn't.

She started therapy before leaving, and her therapist is rather sure she has PTSD that never got properly dealt with. I am now the center of a projection that is almost unbearable to me, as I am being demonized and turned into the very opposite of what I have tried to be and do. I have done all I can to be loving, supporting, nourishing and caring, and now she makes it sound like the past 4 years for her was miserable and that I was controlling and manipulative. She is confused and has no idea what she wants, and it is killing me.

Now we aren't talking while she takes space and I am terrified. Everything I knew, everything I held to, the whole foundation of my life was just pulled away in a matter of weeks, and I feel hurt, betrayed and abandoned. There seems to be no consideration for me, or the effects that this is having on me. I break down daily, and there is no resolution right now in sight.

What can I do? I have a therapist now. He is helping somewhat, but I have no idea what to expect, how to behave, what to do. How do I express my own needs in a way that is non-threatening? She needs space, and I am willing to help with that, but I also need a degree of consideration, kindness and communication to make it through this. I am on the verge of shutting down completely and just calling it quits, and it breaks my heart to even think that, especially since she hasn't made up her mind...

 

[dulcia]

Wow. No advice from me, but I hear you.

 

[Michael Houston]

Hi everyone,

I am new here, and will give a little bit of my story. I need people to talk to abou...

Hi my name is mike what im thinking is she is having normal emotional transference.What happned to her prior to youmeetingg her is loxked in her short term memory she is conflicted she is still in love with you and would probally would do great in ptsd therapyWhen and if she is up to the task let her be in control give her as much space and maintiance her progressThis is where unconditional love has to be your true motive but if you get support from othersduring the new and take it slow relationship.It wont be taxing yet liberating 4 your spirt and your relationship.Its not your fault.She sees you and sometimes she sees FEAR which cretes dilusions GO D BLESS GODSPEED

 

[Mytime]

I'm glad to hear your in therapy, it can help you a great deal. When I first came here, everyone was telling me the same thing as I'm going to tell you and I thought they were nuts. But it was true. You have to take care of you first. Then you need to realize that you can't fix her, or try to help her. You can only support her. She needs to do the work to recovery.
Read as much as you can on here, reach out for support yourself. Set good strong boundaries. First one would be, no it's not OK to sleep with someone else and it would be a dealbreaker. I understand the feeling of, someone looking at you with love, and now they look at you with nothing but hatred. You try and wrap your head around it. I haven't found the answers if there is one. Yes you need to give her space, take the time to educate yourself, work on you.
Having PTSD doesn't mean it's a green light for any kind of abuse, physical, emotional ,ect. Cheating is not a symptom of PTSD, it is a choice made. Sending you support:)

 

[feetfirst]

@Mytime offered some valuable advice. I'd also recommend one of my favorite threads: Progress With So's Ptsd!

 

[bewildered]

@Michael Houston Thank you. I am trying to remember unconditional love and space. Sadly much of this all has me very triggered and confused as well. I am currently even just trying to establish with her that she even want to work through this with me.

@Mytime Thank you for your advice. I do agree that cheating is not okay, and that is a line I can not cross, which ties in to the sanctity of our marriage vows. I am trying to give her space, and work with her.

It is all made more complicated because her residency in Canada is dependent on our "cohabiting in a genuine relationship" for another 1.2 years. She is freaking out about this, because if she doesn't want to be with me, and I want a divorce, she needs to leave. She might need to find a space for herself away from me to decompress, such as an office downtown, and there seems to be no guarantees that she even will want to be with me. Her current attitude about sex and polyamory is very disconcerting and even hurtful. There is just such a huge breach of trust between us now I am not sure if it is salvageable. It is all very confusing...

Thank you for your support and your advice. I am going to try to keep working through this all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm probably going to sound like an insensitive harpy, but....

She doesn't get to come in and treat you like that just because she has PTSD.

You guys did not agree to an open relationship or polyamory when you got married. She doesn't get to change the rules on you after the fact. PTSD be damned.

but I also need a degree of consideration, kindness and communication to make it through this.

That is fair. Your needs are just as valid as hers, even if you are the healthy one. She may not be healthy enough all the time to give you everything that you need, but basic human respect and fidelity is the least she can do. Making concessions for her PTSD is a loving act, but you are not obligated or prisoner to her whims.

PTSD does not cause cheating. She still has to make the decision to act on her impulses, no matter what is going on her head that makes her feel that way. Do not fall into the supporter trap of excusing all crap treatment because she has PTSD.

You are not a bad person if you say no to her. You are not a bad person if you refuse to be treated like this. You are allowed to divorce her yourself or tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass if she threatens to leave you. She is still a grown woman who is hurting you.

There are a lot of ways to love and support your spouse if they have PTSD. Being their doormat is not one of those ways.

 

[feetfirst]

Her current attitude about sex and polyamory is very disconcerting and even hurtful.

I want to address the polyamory part because I too am poly (and have identified as non-monogamous since the mid 90's). You have every right to feel disconcerted and hurt, because if this is the first you've heard of her thinking she's polyamorous, she's just making an excuse for cheating. Having feelings for another person while in a monogamous relationship does not make you poly; it makes you human. Acting on feelings while in a monogamous relationship is cheating. Acting on feelings while in a poly relationship without those actions having been agreed to by all partners is also cheating.

Perhaps even more than other relationship orientations, polyamory requires a greater level of honesty among all partners. You as a couple would have to decide that her (or both of you) being poly is acceptable in your relationship and to what extent. Each couple has their own definition of what a poly relationship looks like for them, based on honest communication and negotiation. Anything outside of that agreed upon definition is cheating.

 

[bewildered]

@Sweetpea76 Thank you for your bluntness. That is what I need to hear right now. One of my concerns is that the PTSD is used as an excuse for various choices she is making, or for mistreating me. It is very hard for me to tell what she is doing that is PTSD and what of it is her actual feelings - it is possible that she really isn't in love with me any more and that she wants to end our relationship. That is hard for me to believe, but it would at least be a clear answer. The mixed motivations in wanting to maintain her permanent residency puts her in a hard situation, and it makes it even harder for me to tell if she has feelings for me or is scared to leave.

Thank you also for letting me know that I am not a bad person for saying no, or having these boundaries on what I can tolerate in my life. That is where I struggle. I don't want to be mean, I don't want her to suffer more, or have to go somewhere and feel unsafe. I really want to make things work, but I don't want to be a doormat, and I don't want our relationship to be a oneway street. I want to be heard, cared about, and listened to rather than simply having needs dictated to me with the expectation that I am going to bend over backwards to make it happen because that is "unconditional love".

@feetfirst Yes, thank you for your insights. It has confirmed something I have been thinking a lot about. I did a bunch of research on polyamory after my Wife started thinking she was polyamorous. As you say, it requires honesty and trust, neither of which she has with me right now. I have also reflected on polyamory a lot for myself, and have determined that it is not an emotionally healthy thing for me; I find it hard enough loving a single person. Everything she is doing right now just feels wrong and violating, not loving or compassionate.