missMelissa
New Here
Ok so my issues start about 3 years ago when my father became very ill. It’s a very long story that im not going to retell cause it will be way to long. But to cut it short. He got ill and the doctors didn’t know why and he just kept getting worse and worse. He had several small strokes that kept coming back and causing his body to shut down. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t go to the bathroom by himself, he couldn’t feed himself. He was confused like a demented person, he was slipping away. All me, my mother and my sister could do was wait and wait for the doctors to come up with something. And be there with him trying to reassure him and take care of him. At the very lowest point I prayed to god that if he was going to take my father away that please could he do it now. Because I couldnt go on seeing him like that. In my mind I started preparing myself for the death of my dad. I imagined what it would be like with him not here. I prepared myself mentally for how life would be with only my mom and my sister. And I told myself that it wouldn’t be to bad. It would be ok. Luckily they figured out what it was he had. A very rare blood disease similar to leuchemia. No prognosis avalible since its so rare, and a medication which was only started as an experiment on these patients less than ten years ago with no guarantee it would work. Fortunately it did. But the damage the strokes had left would take months to rehabilitate.
Today he is doing well. His mind is back. And I can once again talk to him. And he can talk to me. I remember when he was ill and we brought him home for the weekend and I had to help him go to the bathroom. And he couldn’t hold a conversation. His mind was lost like a 90 year old man. I knew a day would come when I would have to care for my parents, but not now, he hadn’t even turned 60. My dad has always been my rock. I have always been able to talk to him, burst in to tears in front of him and he would make it ok. Every day of my life he has told me how beautiful I am. I thought to myself will I ever be able to talk to him again? Will he ever be able to give me advice? And now he can. And im so greatful for that. The mind and body is amazing when it comes to healing itself. I actually cant believe the progress he has made. I would say he is probably 90% of what he used to be. Wich is pretty good considering he was at deaths door. but he has fought for it. My god has he worked hard. I still see him struggle for 20 minutes just putting on a peace of clothing. He sat in front of youtube last Christmas to relearn how to tie a tie. Without his fighting spirit and positive look on life I don’t think he would have made that much progress.
Its been a very weird and long journey. The hard times of dealing with the hospital and initial illness was one thing and then came recovery and trying to put together a broken system that was my family and figure out new ways to live. Roles have reversed and changed.
These last 3 years I have tried to deal with all the mental distress that this experience has caused me. And I think ive done pretty well. I went to a counsellor cause I was scared I was going to start having panic attacks like my sister. She told me that I would have probably had them already and that it sounded more like I had PTSD. I though thats silly. That’s what soldiers get after they’ve been to war. I kind of felt like I didn’t have the right to say I had PTSD. Since people who live through so much harder things than me usually get it. I kind of felt like who am I to claim I have this problem when it clearly is people with “real” traumas who get it.
I thought I was pretty ok abt it now but A few months ago I started having nightmares. Its always about the same thing. Scary demonlike people out to hurt me. In fact they are often like those scary computergames where weird things are out to get you. Im in some kind of situation and there are demons around me. They usually start out being not so scary and then they all of a sudden flip. I think its been triggered by the fact that my next door neighbour who has lived next me my whole life suddenly passed away last summer. His kids are my age. And we all grew up together.
Also ive started having sleep paralysis. The first time I had it the first thing I thought was holy shit ive had a stroke. And I tried to reach for my mobile phone on my bedside table to call my mom. I told myself call mom shes downstairs. But I couldn’t move.
My imagination runs wild. The worst event was when I had a nightmare in my sisters apartment. And I woke up and sat up. I was sleeping in the living room. Now I wear glasses with which without I can see hardly anything. So I woke up and sat up and saw something in front of me and of course my sight was blurry. And I told myself that omg there is a ghost child standing in front of me. Even now writing it freaks me out. So I threw a quilt at it and realized it was a chair. My heart raced like crazy. I was so freaked out I had to go sleep in my sisters bed. Yes im freakin 25 years old and I had to crawl in to my sisters bed where she was sleeping with her boyfriend cause I had a nightmare.
These last few years have just made me so aware of the fact that we can get sick and die any moment. Wich I have always known and respected but now I feel it. And I feel like its all around me just waiting to happen to people I know. Im aware of the scary things in life. I feel like ive become afraid of the dark again. That’s actually the best way to describe it. Being afraid of the dark. imagine scary things and demons and death in dark corners. I don’t feel safe and I don’t feel secure. And I feel like nobody can protect me from these evil things. My dad who was my strength, my protector was totally shot down and destroyed for no logic reason. And I had to become his protector
This whole thing pisses me off! I don’t want to be scared of going to sleep out of fear that I might have a nightmare or sleep paralysis.
My family is not like ut used to be. My father is not the same anymore. My neighbour is gone. People are getting sick and dying. And im scared shittless. Life has scared the shit out of me.
Wow this is really long.. anyone who reads it I praise you! and thank you for taking your time to hear me
Today he is doing well. His mind is back. And I can once again talk to him. And he can talk to me. I remember when he was ill and we brought him home for the weekend and I had to help him go to the bathroom. And he couldn’t hold a conversation. His mind was lost like a 90 year old man. I knew a day would come when I would have to care for my parents, but not now, he hadn’t even turned 60. My dad has always been my rock. I have always been able to talk to him, burst in to tears in front of him and he would make it ok. Every day of my life he has told me how beautiful I am. I thought to myself will I ever be able to talk to him again? Will he ever be able to give me advice? And now he can. And im so greatful for that. The mind and body is amazing when it comes to healing itself. I actually cant believe the progress he has made. I would say he is probably 90% of what he used to be. Wich is pretty good considering he was at deaths door. but he has fought for it. My god has he worked hard. I still see him struggle for 20 minutes just putting on a peace of clothing. He sat in front of youtube last Christmas to relearn how to tie a tie. Without his fighting spirit and positive look on life I don’t think he would have made that much progress.
Its been a very weird and long journey. The hard times of dealing with the hospital and initial illness was one thing and then came recovery and trying to put together a broken system that was my family and figure out new ways to live. Roles have reversed and changed.
These last 3 years I have tried to deal with all the mental distress that this experience has caused me. And I think ive done pretty well. I went to a counsellor cause I was scared I was going to start having panic attacks like my sister. She told me that I would have probably had them already and that it sounded more like I had PTSD. I though thats silly. That’s what soldiers get after they’ve been to war. I kind of felt like I didn’t have the right to say I had PTSD. Since people who live through so much harder things than me usually get it. I kind of felt like who am I to claim I have this problem when it clearly is people with “real” traumas who get it.
I thought I was pretty ok abt it now but A few months ago I started having nightmares. Its always about the same thing. Scary demonlike people out to hurt me. In fact they are often like those scary computergames where weird things are out to get you. Im in some kind of situation and there are demons around me. They usually start out being not so scary and then they all of a sudden flip. I think its been triggered by the fact that my next door neighbour who has lived next me my whole life suddenly passed away last summer. His kids are my age. And we all grew up together.
Also ive started having sleep paralysis. The first time I had it the first thing I thought was holy shit ive had a stroke. And I tried to reach for my mobile phone on my bedside table to call my mom. I told myself call mom shes downstairs. But I couldn’t move.
My imagination runs wild. The worst event was when I had a nightmare in my sisters apartment. And I woke up and sat up. I was sleeping in the living room. Now I wear glasses with which without I can see hardly anything. So I woke up and sat up and saw something in front of me and of course my sight was blurry. And I told myself that omg there is a ghost child standing in front of me. Even now writing it freaks me out. So I threw a quilt at it and realized it was a chair. My heart raced like crazy. I was so freaked out I had to go sleep in my sisters bed. Yes im freakin 25 years old and I had to crawl in to my sisters bed where she was sleeping with her boyfriend cause I had a nightmare.
These last few years have just made me so aware of the fact that we can get sick and die any moment. Wich I have always known and respected but now I feel it. And I feel like its all around me just waiting to happen to people I know. Im aware of the scary things in life. I feel like ive become afraid of the dark again. That’s actually the best way to describe it. Being afraid of the dark. imagine scary things and demons and death in dark corners. I don’t feel safe and I don’t feel secure. And I feel like nobody can protect me from these evil things. My dad who was my strength, my protector was totally shot down and destroyed for no logic reason. And I had to become his protector
This whole thing pisses me off! I don’t want to be scared of going to sleep out of fear that I might have a nightmare or sleep paralysis.
My family is not like ut used to be. My father is not the same anymore. My neighbour is gone. People are getting sick and dying. And im scared shittless. Life has scared the shit out of me.
Wow this is really long.. anyone who reads it I praise you! and thank you for taking your time to hear me
