Life In The Belly Of The Beast, A Rant

[Dan]

Life usd to be all puppy dogs and rainbows, now it's dark days and even darker nights. I used to be a functioning member of my family, now I'm the reason it's falling apart. I've been swallowed whole by the beast and am clawing frantically to no end trying to get out. I'm on a downward spiral and aking my family with me. I'm tryig so hard to get better, but nothing seems to help. I don't want to urt my family any more than I already have. I know the emotional scars take the most time to heal, and I've caused so many.

I wonder if my wife and kids would be better off without me. My wife used to say that she dealt with me for long enough, and that she was going to get the "happily ever after". It seems like our life story is in another section altogether.

I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Therapy doesn't help. I don't have or want any friends. My marriage is a joke. We're a each others throats more often than not. I just stopped caring completely. I don't want to lose my family, but I don't have what it takes to keep them. I've lost my humanity altogether. That's what my shrink says.

Now I'm getting medically discharged and losing what's left of my identity. I've let my career define who I am for so long that I don' have an identity outside of it. I feel like these past years have been for nothing.

I have no faith. I used to at least believe in something, but not anymore. I'm completely indifferent. I used to be angry at God for everything, but now I've stopped caring about that too.

All I have inside me is numbness and anger.

I guess that's about where I'm at right now. I just had to get this out. Thanks for reading, and I hope I didn't ruin anyones day.

 

[Sarg]

Day's already ruined, thanks to you know who! I'm getting anal about going round and picking up little pieces of things that did go right today, trying to stitch them together to be able to point to something.

But this isn't about me, it's about you. From what I get from your post, you care very much about your family, you don't want to lose them, believe me, lonliness isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Your priority should be you first, what you're doing isn't working. Check in to checking into (sorry) in patient care. You need some medical staff that can ascertain what your med needs are, balance them and have group or one on one throughout the day. I'm not talking months, weeks. You will thank you, your family will thank you.

Anger is the thing to be most aware of. It goes to rage much too fast and things happen that can change lives drastically. Getting over the numbness is definitely doable. Takes times but feelings come back.

EOD, do it for yourself and your family, O.K?

Sarg

 

[Zipperhead]

You can always tell how bad things are by listening to the troops. If they are complaining, it's going to be okay. Once they stop complaining, watch out. You may thing that resignation has aleady come and gone, but why did you write this then? There is still hope as long as we can recognise a alternative.

 

[reddevil1111]

Despair is part of depression. Something we all face and deal with and cant control much of. I would try to stop and breath and relax. you still have a marriage and that says a lot. examine what it will take from you to get things back on track.
Try to focus on just one part of your life and how you would like to improve it and then put that plan into motion and see if you cant start to fix what's wrong. Stop looking at everything and feeling overloaded and filled with despair. That's easy to do. It will take hard work and a lot of effort but you can fix things its not to late for your marriage or family. I hope things work out.

 

[combatgoldfish]

This was pretty much my story minus the children.

It's rough, make small steps to improve your live (everyday), and take more time consider the family (their needs and perspective of things).

I let the beast take my life over and I'm left picking up the pieces. It's hard to start over again for anyone and even harder for someone with the beast. Take time to make big choices that impact loved one and the spouse.

 

[vikingr12]

I think life's events cause a lot of episodes. This weekend was a mess. I turned down a major writing project that would have given me a nervous breakdown but I was challenged by it. Now I have this bowling ball in my chest. And I had a major ugly dream last night. One thing does lead to another. And now a setback that I feel will last a while.

I wish we could get to the chemistry of this stuff. I feel I am not as angry as you guys although sometimes I wonder. My anger goes deep at times. Sometimes a take a trip to the desert and just sit. All my life I tried to stay away from the desert but here I am. I slept in the desert when I was a kid, right there with the coyotes and snakes. Now I cannot do it without a rifle or shotgun at least nearby. I was never afraid of the desert.

But here I am living in one, inside and out. You mess up and get up, I guess. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I am not looking forward to the heat. I am going fishing. Sarg, wanna go?

 

[JarHed]

Hey EOD

If you were completely hopeless you wouldn't have even posted anything. Somewhere in there is a micro glimmer of hope. Hope for something better. You're feeling pretty beat up and you are. This is the most challenging of times for you and for your wife and family. I often wish there were some magic words that I could say that would really help. Truth is, there aren't.

From what you've said, your wife is still there and hopes that things will improve. If she didn't care she'd be gone. You've defined yourself by your service and now that's changing. The one thing that you were you're not going to be anymore. You've got a ton of stuff on your plate. I often thought that if all I had to do to get better was dig a trench; 6 feet deep, 3 feet wide and 10 miles long it would be a cake walk compared to what and where I need to go to improve my life. It's one shovel full of shit and dread at a time. Hang in there my Friend and as everyone says; one day at a time.

Jar

 

[Wagon]

Somewhere in there, as Jar has so aptly said, is hope.

You're not playing the blame game.....thats a positive. I did that allot on life. Destroyed many a relationship.
And you recognize you have some things to work on. Hell battle half won already.

Not saying the other half of the battle is going to seriously suck shit at times, but man, you're out of the woods. Just on the edge of the forest. Few more steps to the sunshine. And those are the crappiest ones.