i can fully relate to how you feel and im not just saying that. One of the hardest things to conquer is trying to create a new normal. But we both know the end result , sure you will feel great for a very short period of time, but the difference now is your armed with some insight and no amount of drugs can overcome that. You will feel about 50% of what you did feel when using , the other 50% will be that nagging voice that now exists because of what you have learnt about yourself.
People talk about how hard it is to come off Heroin , but in reality it is no match to what you go through coming off speed or meth. The effects to your whole being have been thrown sideways , your whole way of thinking gets altered, the depressions that come along are truly black and do make you feel absolutely helpless. Your brain has been rewired and it does take a long time for it to return to normal, far longer than a few months. If you do use , not only will you reverse any gains you made, but the wiring will not take much to send you back into meth induced phsycosis and sadly the more you do it, the less chance you ever have of becoming normal again.
I stopped many many years ago and it is a experience i will never forget , sadly the friends that i used with never came back , they continued on and eventually done the revolving door of physc hospitals, my best friend of many years is not even a shadow of his former self , he is an empty shell and now lives on a river bank in a tent, totally cooked and lost - there truly is nothing left of him and frankly i avoid him like the plague as he is simply a complete nutter now , you cant even have a conversation with him.
Hang in there Sonic , do even the simplest of things , start exercising, not hard exercise , simple walks, get out of the house, do anything thats possible, because you know your bullshitting yourself if you think theres any fairytale ending of feeling good..it just wont happen and you will also have to use twice as much, just to try and block that nagging voice that now accompanies you , the voice of who you actually are. You have come a long way.
Find some reason ...any reason to keep going forward , but most importantly just get out of the house and walk until the need or depression subsides and it will if you give it the chance - get involved with a church, do volunteer work, do anything but get out of the house and the dangerous cycle isolation creates - i truly wish you the best and if i can help in any way , dont hesitate to pm me. Keep in your mind where you are now as opposed to where you come from - youve made great strides - it shows in your writing ...dont throw it away
