Definitely..maybe
Gold Member
What do a walrus and a container have in common?!
They both want a tight seal!
Ahaha.
They both want a tight seal!
Ahaha.
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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I took my three year old grand-daughter to see Santa over the weekend. She didn’t know who he was, so while we were eating breakfast I told her all about him - he was really nice, didn't have any children of his own, but loved children and traveled all over the world giving gifts to children on Christmas, that they found when they woke up. She really like the story and made me tell it to her again before we left my home to see him, and again on the car ride.
The photographer took five photos. My grand-daughter had a huge, huge smile in one of them, so naturally it was the one I chose. I bought a set of twenty-four to send to family. We put them in the mail that day. This morning I got several emails from folks saying thank you and asking what was up with Santa. I reviewed the photo again.
There was Santa, eyebrows raised, buggin' eyes, and his mouth open wide - the unmistakable look of shock and surprise! Then I recalled what my grand-daughter had exclaimed moments before the photo was taken: “Grandma, he IS really nice just like you said! You should marry Santa. Then he'd have a family and we could help him. Yea, that's a good idea!” :wideeyed: :p :D
The photographer took five photos. My grand-daughter had a huge, huge smile in one of them, so naturally it was the one I chose. I bought a set of twenty-four to send to family. We put them in the mail that day. This morning I got several emails from folks saying thank you and asking what was up with Santa. I reviewed the photo again.
There was Santa, eyebrows raised, buggin' eyes, and his mouth open wide - the unmistakable look of shock and surprise! Then I recalled what my grand-daughter had exclaimed moments before the photo was taken: “Grandma, he IS really nice just like you said! You should marry Santa. Then he'd have a family and we could help him. Yea, that's a good idea!” :wideeyed: :p :D
Tongue in cheek about people with anxiety. I felt it hit the mark. http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-anxious-people-will-understand
amethist
VIP Member
A crappy christmas cracker joke.
How do you get down from an elephant. ?
You don't, you get down from a duck.
How do you get down from an elephant. ?
You don't, you get down from a duck.
@amethist :p :D :) HHHaaahaa - Cracked me up!!!! My simple brain really liked that one Ms. A ;)
@Britt.f7 ;) My favs:
:cool:#2 made me check the front door lock, lol! :yuck: #4 I relate to, but I wouldn’t do it because then I’d be confirming what I already think about myself, which is I’m a shitty person. :sour: #7 I dislike this one the most! :cool: #8 I don’t want people to try to make me feel better. I just want them to say, “Wow, that sucks.” and go on to the next thing – talking about themselves. :O_o: #10 I admit I’m powerless. I am a listoholic. Please take this character defect away and give me a brain. :clown::cry: #14 Seeing someone I wasn’t expecting to see can reduce me to a blubbering idiot, sometimes crying. :wacky: #15 I only check my mail twice a month. :chicken:#17 I hate the phone. Hate it, hate it, hate it! :wtf:#18 I’m good at my job. I work hard. I’m a “team player” and I receive excellent job reviews. So when my boss says he wants to talk to me, why, why, why do I think his purpose is to tell me I’m fired? Do I have issues with authorities? Do I have a subconscious wish to actually be fired? :confused: #21 The TV is off limits, in general. It’s either a source of sadness, rage, fear or sappy sentimentalism. :sick: #24 I dissociate from worrying because it’s too overwhelming.
@Britt.f7 ;) My favs:
:cool:#2 made me check the front door lock, lol! :yuck: #4 I relate to, but I wouldn’t do it because then I’d be confirming what I already think about myself, which is I’m a shitty person. :sour: #7 I dislike this one the most! :cool: #8 I don’t want people to try to make me feel better. I just want them to say, “Wow, that sucks.” and go on to the next thing – talking about themselves. :O_o: #10 I admit I’m powerless. I am a listoholic. Please take this character defect away and give me a brain. :clown::cry: #14 Seeing someone I wasn’t expecting to see can reduce me to a blubbering idiot, sometimes crying. :wacky: #15 I only check my mail twice a month. :chicken:#17 I hate the phone. Hate it, hate it, hate it! :wtf:#18 I’m good at my job. I work hard. I’m a “team player” and I receive excellent job reviews. So when my boss says he wants to talk to me, why, why, why do I think his purpose is to tell me I’m fired? Do I have issues with authorities? Do I have a subconscious wish to actually be fired? :confused: #21 The TV is off limits, in general. It’s either a source of sadness, rage, fear or sappy sentimentalism. :sick: #24 I dissociate from worrying because it’s too overwhelming.
amethist
VIP Member
A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"
amethist
VIP Member
Never lie to your mother
A young man called John invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how handsome John’s flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates.
About a week later, Simon came to John saying, “ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?” “well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure,” said John, so he sat down and wrote: Dear mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the frying pan from my house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John
Several days later, John received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum
Lesson of the day: don’t ever lie to your mother ( she always, always finds out)
A young man called John invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how handsome John’s flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates.
About a week later, Simon came to John saying, “ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?” “well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure,” said John, so he sat down and wrote: Dear mother, I’m not saying that you “did” take the frying pan from my house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John
Several days later, John received an e-mail from his mother which read: Dear son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum
Lesson of the day: don’t ever lie to your mother ( she always, always finds out)
I've been told I have a mouth like a truck driver if I get real mad or I've drank too much. I don't agree.
Only perfect people never cuss. But I'm not perfect and have never claimed to be.
Nevertheless, I would never spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly like a f*cking lady.
Only perfect people never cuss. But I'm not perfect and have never claimed to be.
Nevertheless, I would never spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly like a f*cking lady.
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
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