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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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Three brothers are up before the beak on a first offence, charged with drug offences. The beak, being in a tolerant mood for a change, decides to go easy on them.
“Since it’s your first offence,” he told them, “I’ll go easy, but you must promise me, you’ll convince your friends to give up taking drugs, you’ll come back here in on month and tell me how you did. If you impress me I’ll let you go.”
They agree, and one month later they’re back in court, seeing them the judge says to the eldest, “Right, tell me what you did to convince your friends to give up drugs, and how many did."
"Well, Your Honour,” says the eldest, “I drew two circles on a piece of paper, a big one and a little one, and I told my friends, ‘this big circle is the size of your circle of friends before taking drugs, and this small circle is the size of your circle of friends after taking drugs’ and 15 of my friends gave up on the spot.”
“Not bad, not bad,” says the judge, “alright, you can go, but don’t come before me again.” Then he turned to the middle brother.
“Tell me, what did you do, and how many did you convince?”
“Well, Your honour, I took the same line as my brother, I drew two circles, one big the other small, and I told them, ‘this big circle, that is the size of your brain before taking drugs, and this small circle, that’s the size of your brain after taking drugs,’ and 30 of my friends gave up on the spot.”
“My, that is impressive,” said the judge, “you can go, but never let me see you in court again.”
Then he turned to the youngest one, “your brothers have impressed me, I’m expecting big things from you my lad, now, what did you do, and ho many did you convince?”
“Well, Your Honour,” replied the lad, nervously, “I took a similar line to my brothers, only I just drew one circle, the small one, and 300 of my friends gave up right there and then.”
“My god,” says the judge, “What did you tell them?”
“Well, I told them, ‘see this circle? That’s the size of your arsehole before going to prison...’.”
 
God called the three most powerful men in the world to see him, he called Bill Clinton, Mikhail Gorbachaev, and Bill gates. He told them he was going to destroy the world and they should go home and tell the world, and they had three days,
Bill Clinton went home and addressed the U.S.A “My fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news, the good news is, we were right, god does exist. The bad news is, he’s going to destroy the world.”
Gorbachaev went home and addressed Mother Russia, “Comrades, I have some bad news, and some worse news, the bad news is god does exist, the worse news is he’s going to destroy the world.”
Bill Gates went home and e-mailed the rest of the world, “Hey guys, I got some good news and some better news, the good news is god thinks I’m one of the most important people in the world, the better news is I don’t have to upgrade windows
 
a man with a speech impediment went into a baker’s shop and said “I want to buy a bum”.
The man in the shop said “What?”
“I want to buy a bum.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t sell bums.”
“Look, I just want to buy a nice currant bum for my tea.
"Oh!" said the man, "You mean a BUN,"
"Yes, that's what I said, a bum"
So he buys his bun and walks on down the road, and enters a sweet shop,
“I like sweets,” he says to himself, and says to the man in the shop,
"I'd like some likkit."
“What?" said the man.
“I’d like some likkit.”
“What the hell’s likkit?”
“You know, likkit.” He says, pointing.
“Oh!” says the man, “You mean LICORICE.”
“Yes, likkit.”
So he buys his liquorice and walks on. He enters a watch makers.
“I’d like to buy a cock.”
“What?” said the man in the shop.
“I’d like to buy a cock.”
“But we don’t sell cocks.”
“Look, I just want a cock to tell the time with.”
“Oh, you mean a clock.”
“Yes, that’s what I said a cock.”
So he buys his clock and puts it in his pocket, and walks on down the road with his other purchases in his hands. Just then a gorgeous blonde with the hottest body you’ve ever seen approaches him.
“Excuse me, you wouldn’t have the time on you would you, please?”
And he says to her,
“Hold my Bum & Likkit, while I get my cock out!”
 
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he almost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realised that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!''
 
It’s George’s 105th birthday party everyone is there, family friends television and newspaper reporters. He received his telegram from the Queen and lots of photos are taken “tell me sir to what do you owe your long life?” asks one reporter. “Well” says George “Good food, lots of exercise, plenty of loving if you know what I mean wink wink, oh and perhaps cancelling my ticket on the titanic helped .​
 
God calls down to Noah one day saying "Noah me old mate, I've got a little job for you, I want you to build me an ark"
"What another one" asks Noah
"Yes," says god "a big one"
"Well, I can do it," says Noah, "how big do you want it?"
"Oh I don't know" says god "how about, say, twenty storeys"
"Ok" says Noah "is it the usual routine, you know two by two?"
"No" says god; "this time I want it filled with fish, you know, um, carp," says god
"Well alright" says Noah "what do you want it for, a special reason?"
"No" says god "I just fancied a multi storey carp ark"
 
Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day, when he found a woman being bashed by a gorilla, after he bashed the gorilla the woman was so impressed she offered him anything he wanted,
But Tarzan didn't know what she meant.
" Well" she said, "you know, sex "
"Sex" says Tarzan "what's that?"
"Well" says the woman "it's where I show you my hole and you put your cock in it"
"Oh," says Tarzan "I usually use a tree for that"
"What?" she asks "a tree?"
"Yes" says Tarzan, and he shows her a tree with a hole at just the right height, and the bark is all smooth around the hole through constant use
The woman is outraged "that's no good" she says, and rips all her clothes off spreads herself against a tree, legs akimbo, places her hands one each side of he fanny and says "here Tarzan, help yourself to the real thing"
Tarzan looks, then walks over and kicks her hard, right in the fanny
"Ooh you bastard" she screamed "what did you do that for?"
"Well" says Tarzan "I always check for squirrels first"
 
SAID NO SQUADDIE EVER!
1. Don’t worry the Reme will fix it
2. We’ll just go for one pint
3. I’m glad the Americans/Australians/ British (Insert your at will) are here
4. Here’s your combi-tool back that I borrowed
5. The custard at scoff had absolutely no lumps in it
6. I wouldn’t shag her
7. Shit’s getting serious, let’s call the RAF Reg
8. Here Sir, you take the map
9. Sennybridge accommodation for a week? Yesss!!
10. I’ll trade my biscuit fruits for your biscuit browns
11. Let’s help the guy who dropped his plate in scoff
12. I just got back from exercise, time for a quick and easy shit
13. It’s nearly the end of the month and I have still got a shed load of money in my bank account
14. Don’t worry, the clerks will sort your pay out
15. The rasman wants too see me asap, it MUST be good news
16. The rifles haven’t been fired so we’re not gonna bother cleaning them
17. That new NAAFI bird is a 10
18. The bullshit actually stops once you get to your regiment
19. Of course I don’t mind you taking away my weekend away from me so I can teach the TA
20. Your RAF flight is running with out delay
21. I’m not very keen on haribo
22. The NAAFI is really well priced these days
23. The CO is doing CO’s PT this week
24. who wants to swap my sausage and beans for a mushroom omelette?
25. Another beer? No thanks, got CO’s PT at 0600, and I need some sleep
26. I have total faith in the professional standards and leadership ability of my Platoon Commander
27. I’ll do your stag for you mate
28. Yeah just sign for all that kit in my name
29. We’ll practice this parade formation just once
30. The provo’s a top bloke
 
3 men for Execution


Sometimes the simple ones are best.....


Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen. The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall. As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run.

Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped. The second condemned man. a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!"
 
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