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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
- Start date
- Status
This is in reply to my PTSD this morning and also following out of it and also on from something else entirely, am I cryptic or what? (yeah probably not so much!! hah!!)
">
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ok so I dont think this has worked but it is funny that I tried all the same. I have no idea what I am doing obviously but hell I am giving it a go, and if you can work it out and take a look maybe you might laugh also, but hey we can't all be funny right?
:rofl:
(code what code?)
(and yes I know I removed the link also but hey wtf!! I could see it wasnt working how I had done it so):wall:
">
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/8vLJAfxog00&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/8vLJAfxog00&hl=en&fs=1&rel=0&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>
ok so I dont think this has worked but it is funny that I tried all the same. I have no idea what I am doing obviously but hell I am giving it a go, and if you can work it out and take a look maybe you might laugh also, but hey we can't all be funny right?
:rofl:
(code what code?)
(and yes I know I removed the link also but hey wtf!! I could see it wasnt working how I had done it so):wall:
amethist
VIP Member
Oh Fin you do make me giggle at times, just been on you tube that's funny.
Here is one for the men on here.
Rules of cricket as explained to a foreign visitor.
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not out's.
THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME
HOWZAT
Amethist
Here is one for the men on here.
Rules of cricket as explained to a foreign visitor.
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out
When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out including the not out's.
THAT'S THE END OF THE GAME
HOWZAT
Amethist
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind !')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind !')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?)
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !
amethist
VIP Member
Please do not be offended by these but i laughed at them any way.
MMMMMM said tigger
As piglet gently roasted on the spit.
I was told this yesterday maybe a bit inappropriate at this time but i thought it was funny.
Pooh bear is walking through the park with piglet, when he thinks to himself.
If this pig sneezes i will roast him for tea.
I do apologize but it made me giggle.
Amethist
MMMMMM said tigger
As piglet gently roasted on the spit.
I was told this yesterday maybe a bit inappropriate at this time but i thought it was funny.
Pooh bear is walking through the park with piglet, when he thinks to himself.
If this pig sneezes i will roast him for tea.
I do apologize but it made me giggle.
Amethist
her_indoors43
Gold Member
:eek::eek:oh good lord...........:doh:oh no.....strugs turned up at the 100,000 post party with a pig to roast.......:eek:.........
omg winnie the pooh...tigger...piglet..
.aunty em aunty em toto....omg we are going to hell if we eat the piglet at the post party omg...
.im horrifed..you guys say you got ptsd you dont muck around.....winnie the pooh tigger...piglettttttttttttt..........:doh:
omg winnie the pooh...tigger...piglet..
.aunty em aunty em toto....omg we are going to hell if we eat the piglet at the post party omg...
.im horrifed..you guys say you got ptsd you dont muck around.....winnie the pooh tigger...piglettttttttttttt..........:doh:
SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2008
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
_____
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
_____
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
_____
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for
speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
_____
2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under
it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
_____
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
:rofl:
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the
front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
_____
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'
_____
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen chooks at Woolies but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these chickens get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
_____
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for
speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
_____
2nd Place goes to Truckie Glenn Moynihan !!
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under
it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
_____
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand' !!
:rofl:
New Pill
Do you have problems falling asleep?
Do you have problems staying awake?
Not enough energy?
Do you worry alot?
Seem like the wife is always hounding you?
Husband seems boring?
Kids driving you crazy?
Well then this pill is for YOU.
After years of research, by Our "crack team" they have invented the be all, end all, pill. As a matter of fact this will be the last pill you need to take, ever.
Here is what one of Our"crack", expects say " yeah Man, this sh*t is good. I love this, sh*t. heyyyyy mannn. you got any more of that sh*t?"
That is just an example. Of what Our wonder drug can do for you.
Still not convinced?
here is another satisfied customer.
" I used to be pretty and guys would ask me out all the time, I kept getting bothered. I used to worry about My weight but now thanks to this pill. now I an ugly and skinny, no guys or even girls want anything to do with Me."
That's right folks you too can have the same results.
What is the name of this wonder drug?
Fukitol
This blue and pink pill will take away all the things that bother you.
problems falling asleep, gone
problems staying awake, gone
not enough energy, gone
worries, gone
wife's hounding, gone
boring things, gone
Kids driving you crazy, gone
yes friends, you too will soon learn what it means....
Fukitol
For legal purposes we have to tell you the side effects:
Blindness, temporary blindness, diarrhea, projectile diarrhea, heart attack, stoke, erectile dysfunction, prolonged erections, anal leakage, heart murmurs, kidney stones, kidney failure, cysts, heart failure, lung cancer, testicular cancer in men, ovarian cancer in women, low birth weigh, nervousness, ticks, turrets, hypertension, upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, loss of taste, sudden urges to masturbate, loss of teeth, Parkinson disease, loss of hearing, headaches, joint/muscle pain, abnormal hair loss, drowsiness, dizziness, burning of the hands and feet, stigmata of the hands and eyes, dark urine, trouble breathing, rash, itching, swelling of the face/tongue/throat, swelling of other appendages. puss oozing out of any orifice, blisters any all medial problems.
We know these are alot of side effects but with....
Fukitol....
you wont care.
Get yours today
Do you have problems falling asleep?
Do you have problems staying awake?
Not enough energy?
Do you worry alot?
Seem like the wife is always hounding you?
Husband seems boring?
Kids driving you crazy?
Well then this pill is for YOU.
After years of research, by Our "crack team" they have invented the be all, end all, pill. As a matter of fact this will be the last pill you need to take, ever.
Here is what one of Our"crack", expects say " yeah Man, this sh*t is good. I love this, sh*t. heyyyyy mannn. you got any more of that sh*t?"
That is just an example. Of what Our wonder drug can do for you.
Still not convinced?
here is another satisfied customer.
" I used to be pretty and guys would ask me out all the time, I kept getting bothered. I used to worry about My weight but now thanks to this pill. now I an ugly and skinny, no guys or even girls want anything to do with Me."
That's right folks you too can have the same results.
What is the name of this wonder drug?
Fukitol
This blue and pink pill will take away all the things that bother you.
problems falling asleep, gone
problems staying awake, gone
not enough energy, gone
worries, gone
wife's hounding, gone
boring things, gone
Kids driving you crazy, gone
yes friends, you too will soon learn what it means....
Fukitol
For legal purposes we have to tell you the side effects:
Blindness, temporary blindness, diarrhea, projectile diarrhea, heart attack, stoke, erectile dysfunction, prolonged erections, anal leakage, heart murmurs, kidney stones, kidney failure, cysts, heart failure, lung cancer, testicular cancer in men, ovarian cancer in women, low birth weigh, nervousness, ticks, turrets, hypertension, upset stomach, nausea, vomiting, loss of taste, sudden urges to masturbate, loss of teeth, Parkinson disease, loss of hearing, headaches, joint/muscle pain, abnormal hair loss, drowsiness, dizziness, burning of the hands and feet, stigmata of the hands and eyes, dark urine, trouble breathing, rash, itching, swelling of the face/tongue/throat, swelling of other appendages. puss oozing out of any orifice, blisters any all medial problems.
We know these are alot of side effects but with....
Fukitol....
you wont care.
Get yours today
her_indoors43
Gold Member
:rofl:goodonya mayhems......:thumbs-up
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and
welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other
one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her
two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and
welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other
one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or
just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of
work.
her_indoors43
Gold Member
Mental Health Hotline
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
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had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good
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