-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
- Start date
- Status
amethist
VIP Member
Here Are Five Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back...Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, he said 'No' .
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me..'
Then I said, ' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' ' No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days. And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
And remember we all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!!!
I don't know any jokes but this one cracks me up.
How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! ...
Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a blogger in no time! ...
1. Find a free blogging service, such as http:// ...
2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".
3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the logging service, or one created by you.
4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.
5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".
6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.
7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.
8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.
9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.
10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).
11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.
12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.
13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.
14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.
15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.
16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.
17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.
18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.
19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.
20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.
21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.
22. Complete your first post.
23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.
24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".
25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.
26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous
27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.
28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.
29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.
30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.
31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous
32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.
33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.
34. Stand up and get another drink.
35. Sit back down at your computer desk.
36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.
37. Complete the second post.
38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.
39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.
40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.
41. Refuse and hang up phone.
42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.
43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.
44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.
45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.
46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).
47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"
48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.
49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.
50. Repeat for the rest of your life.
51. Welcome To Blogging!
How To Start Your Very Own Blog In Fifty-One Easy Steps! ...
Interested in the blogging scene? Confused how to go about setting up your very own blog? Follow these fifty-one easy steps and you'll be a blogger in no time! ...
1. Find a free blogging service, such as http:// ...
2. Register a catchy yet philosophically deep name for your new blog: "lifesucks"; "All Things Me"; "Lifehacker"; "Playing With Matches"; "The Internet Slacker", "I Stalk David Hasselhoff".
3. Consider one of the many pre-made website templates offered by the logging service, or one created by you.
4. Turn your nose up in disgust at the thought of using a pre-made template for your blog.
5. Spend the next seventeen hours creating a functioning website from scratch. If using Microsoft FrontPageTM, relocate all children and elders to a safe area out of your "profanity zone".
6. Complete your self-made blog template by clicking on the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM.
7. Watch in shock as the aforementioned seventeen hours of hard work gets permanently deleted off your hard drive by Microsoft FrontPageTM.
8. Swear so loudly all dogs within a five block radius begin running in circles and howling.
9. Declare "Screw It" and choose from a pre-made template. Always choose one with lots of kittens and flashing animated gifs.
10. Make sure the template is ready for your first blog entry. You can do this by going to your new blog's URL address and seeing if the page loads properly. It will have no posts yet, of course, as you have not actually written your first blog entry. (If you do see a post written by yourself at this specific moment in time, read it! You've traveled back in time to warn yourself about the "Publish Website" command in Microsoft FrontPageTM).
11. Click on the "Create Post" selection. The window will reload with a box for you to type text in.
12. Put fingers to keyboard in preparation to type your first blog entry.
13. Realize in horror that you have absolutely no idea what you're going to write about.
14. And you've got a whole blog ahead of you.
15. Stand up and get an alcoholic beverage to calm you.
16. Pace back and forth while racking your brain for a great post.
17. Cast resentful looks at your computer monitor while drinking the alcoholic beverage.
18. Come up with a touching yet funny childhood memory you can write about, like when you and all the other fat kids in the neighborhood used to take down the ice cream man not unlike a pack of lions ravaging a wounded gazelle.
19. Or, make your first post about how much you love pets. Remark on the fact that you let your pet pit bull out of the house every night to get some freedom and exercise even though the sirens from the ambulances tearing through your neighborhood constantly interrupt your sleep.
20. Or, make a heartfelt confession about how guilty you feel that you could never be a vegetarian because you salivate every time a nature documentary appears on the television.
21. Sit back down at your computer desk with your great idea.
22. Complete your first post.
23. Experience a fleeting sense of satisfaction that you now have a blog with an actual entry, even though it details your sexual attraction to Yoda.
24. Immediately phone all your friends and family to tell them the URL. Remind your grandmother that 'stiffwoodysdiary' in your blog's address is spelled "all one word".
25. Reload your blog incessantly every two minutes to see if anyone has made a comment.
26. Become enraged when the very first comment made on your very first blog entry is "yuo are teh sUxx0r!" from Anonymous
27. Go outdoors to calm down and get some fresh air, since you've spent twenty-two hours now working on your blog.
28. Tell every person you encounter - jogger, police officer, frantic paramedic - your blog's URL.
29. Head back home when an idea for a blog entry comes to mind, such as the rudeness of paramedics who can't be bothered to talk about your blog because they are busy helping some whiner with pitbull bite wounds on his throat.
30. When back at your computer, immediately refresh your blog's page to see if any more comments were made while you were gone.
31. Grip the edge of your computer desk when the second comment reads "I said yuo are teh sUxx0r!" by Anonymous
32. Click on the "make new post" button on your blog.
33. Realize with horror you've totally forgotten the good writing idea.
34. Stand up and get another drink.
35. Sit back down at your computer desk.
36. Write your second post: how people who make dumb comments on blogs should be strung up by their genitals with barbed wire.
37. Complete the second post.
38. Stand up and get a third drink to calm you down from the blogging experience.
39. Watch TV while thinking you shouldn't watch so much television since experiencing life would probably make for a blog that's actually interesting to read. By going out more, you'll be able to continue to spread the address of your blog to bemused strangers, too.
40. Accept phone call from your grandmother asking you to change 'stiffwoody' in your blog's name to something more polite.
41. Refuse and hang up phone.
42. On the way back to the television, refresh your blog's page again to see if there are any more comments.
43. Experience relief when third comment is a non-abusive one. Become incredibly depressed when you discover it is written by a fellow blogger asking if you ever fantasize about wearing lederhosen while flailing midgets with kielbasa sausage, and if you'd like to meet up with him for same.
44. Stand up and get a much larger, stronger drink.
45. Consider making your third post. Repeat verbal declaration made in step #9, forget blogging for now, go to bed.
46. Just before you fall asleep, realize with horror you'll need to repeat steps #11 to #45 daily to keep your bragging rights about owning a blog (which, ironically, nobody reads).
47. Slip into an uneasy nightmare about being forced to type the word "sUxx0r" on a flaming keyboard while chained to Jabba the Hutt, who keeps demanding "More! More! Jakatooie Blogga Dooie! More!!!"
48. Wake up in the morning. Scream.
49. Read the new comments posted on your blog. Scream again.
50. Repeat for the rest of your life.
51. Welcome To Blogging!
intothelight
Sponsor
Walmart Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sp erm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart
deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
:D (((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))) :D
Roaring with laughter!!! :D
Ooff: My stomach hurts :D
Thanks, I needed this! :D
((((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))
Sending you all my love,
Deer
P.S. Something really cute, as I'm laughing, my little zebra finches have gone into their "Joy / delight singing" (it's something adorable they do, that's different from their regular songs) - they sound so goofy, too. It's so wonderful that laughter and joy are contagious and understood / shared among species :). Thanks for spreading some sunshine here...
Roaring with laughter!!! :D
Ooff: My stomach hurts :D
Thanks, I needed this! :D
((((((((((((((((Deb))))))))))))))))
Sending you all my love,
Deer
P.S. Something really cute, as I'm laughing, my little zebra finches have gone into their "Joy / delight singing" (it's something adorable they do, that's different from their regular songs) - they sound so goofy, too. It's so wonderful that laughter and joy are contagious and understood / shared among species :). Thanks for spreading some sunshine here...
cherryblossom
VIP Member
The Aussie Version of Creation
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQs...... Link Removed
He created night for going prawning, Link Removed
sleeping Link Removed
and BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, Link Removed
swimming, Link Removed
and BBQs on the beach, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer Link Removed
and wood for BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good..
On the Fourth Day God created animals Link Removed
and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke Link Removed to make use of all these wondrous creations - go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, Link Removed and God saw that they were good Blokes,
and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...
Well.... Almost good.....
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas Link Removed
to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
Link Removed
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....
And BBQs...... Link Removed
He created night for going prawning, Link Removed
sleeping Link Removed
and BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, Link Removed
swimming, Link Removed
and BBQs on the beach, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer Link Removed
and wood for BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good..
On the Fourth Day God created animals Link Removed
and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Fifth day God created a Bloke Link Removed to make use of all these wondrous creations - go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, [DLMURL="http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/attachments/bbq-jpg.213/"]Link Removed[/DLMURL]
and God saw that it was good.
On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, Link Removed and God saw that they were good Blokes,
and God saw that it was good.
On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...
Well.... Almost good.....
He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas Link Removed
to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!
IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!
Link Removed
Innordinate
VIP Member
Somethin I found surfing the net looking for ways to crack a safe using only my barehands :)
This is something to think about when negative
people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone
who knows nothing and cares less tries to make
your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to
Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply "We got
a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip
to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not
only were we on time in one of Continental's brand
new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a
$5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on
the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as
to step into his private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F... did your hair?"
This is something to think about when negative
people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone
who knows nothing and cares less tries to make
your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her
hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to
Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply "We got
a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser..
" That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special
and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a
hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip
to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not
only were we on time in one of Continental's brand
new planes, but it was overbooked, and they
bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine
were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old
steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a
$5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on
the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to
meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as
to step into his private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F... did your hair?"
Two nude statues (one male & one female) had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years.
On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.
He said to them "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it.
The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.
The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: "Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head."
On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.
He said to them "God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time."
The angel then went on to say that they would be human for fifteen minutes and will finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.
The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it.
The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.
The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter. After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing.
The angel told the statues that they still had 5 more minutes.
The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: "Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on his head."
amethist
VIP Member
Fact of life....... After Monday and Tuesday, even the calender says W T F.
- Post starter
- Admin
- #815
anthony
Founder
I have deleted the videos from here that I have seen... as this is a joke thread, not a video comedy thread. The forum has a media section to post video content... please use it, and if you want to reference it, then reference the link within the thread to view it.
Not really a joke, but it's funny and a true story.
A man at a beach in Australian went into the surf, when he came out he had lost his dentures. He went to find his dentures at the lost and found at the Surf Life Saving Hut. He asked the man behind the desk if anyone had handed in dentures to the hut. The lifesaver went out back and brought back a big box stacked to the top of dentures and said " Are any of these your dentures." Apparently it is a common thing to happen. Imagine how many dentures you are swimming with at the beach:eek:
A man at a beach in Australian went into the surf, when he came out he had lost his dentures. He went to find his dentures at the lost and found at the Surf Life Saving Hut. He asked the man behind the desk if anyone had handed in dentures to the hut. The lifesaver went out back and brought back a big box stacked to the top of dentures and said " Are any of these your dentures." Apparently it is a common thing to happen. Imagine how many dentures you are swimming with at the beach:eek:
- Status
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
