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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
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Queen Boudica
VIP Member
Men are Like...
1. Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.
2. Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.
3. Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
4. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
7. Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
8. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
9. Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
10. Men are like laxatives....
they irritate the shit out of you.
11. Men are like parking spots....
the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
12. Men are like a snowstorm....
you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
13. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
14. Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
15. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs.
16. Q: Why don't men die in their sleep?
A: Because they can't do more than one thing at a time.....
1. Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.
2. Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.
3. Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
4. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
7. Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
8. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
9. Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
10. Men are like laxatives....
they irritate the shit out of you.
11. Men are like parking spots....
the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
12. Men are like a snowstorm....
you never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
13. Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
14. Q: Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
15. Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs.
16. Q: Why don't men die in their sleep?
A: Because they can't do more than one thing at a time.....
Lucycat
Sponsor
Ha ha ha. Can you imagine his mother putting 'Jack the Ripper' on his birth certificate?
KP the nut
VIP Member
A friend of mine, a single mother of one, was passing by her daughter’s bedroom when she saw, to her shock, the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.
It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only the passion Mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Queen Boudica
VIP Member
Don't Argue with Children!:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Without missing a beat the child said, "Then you ask him".
.................................................................
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
.................................................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there one commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy (the oldest of a large family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
................................................................
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."
................................................................
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?
.................................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
.................................................................
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael; he's a doctor'."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
................................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
Without missing a beat the child said, "Then you ask him".
.................................................................
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
.................................................................
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there one commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
One little boy (the oldest of a large family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
................................................................
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three other girls helped me catch him."
................................................................
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?
.................................................................
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
.................................................................
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or, 'that's Michael; he's a doctor'."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
................................................................
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
CraftyCath
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CraftyCath
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CraftyCath
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CraftyCath
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CraftyCath
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