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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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The Devilish-in-Law
A few minutes before Mass started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and quietly praying.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And your're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for over 48 years".
A few minutes before Mass started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and quietly praying.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And your're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for over 48 years".
reallydown
Diamond Member
Nice CrazyPJ,
I have a shorter version of that on my wall ;)
I have a shorter version of that on my wall ;)
maths
a young boy is doing his maths homework, his mother listens to him counting and doing his sums, the boy counts,
two plus two this son of a bitch is four
three plus three this son of a bitch is six
his mother angered walks in and asks him where he learnt that sort of language from
the boy replies his maths teacher, the next day the upset mother phones the maths teacher and demands an answer as to what he had been teaching her boy and tells him what the boy had said,
when the teacher finally manages to stop laughing he says
two plus two the sum of which is four.
sometimes what we hear isnt what is said.
a young boy is doing his maths homework, his mother listens to him counting and doing his sums, the boy counts,
two plus two this son of a bitch is four
three plus three this son of a bitch is six
his mother angered walks in and asks him where he learnt that sort of language from
the boy replies his maths teacher, the next day the upset mother phones the maths teacher and demands an answer as to what he had been teaching her boy and tells him what the boy had said,
when the teacher finally manages to stop laughing he says
two plus two the sum of which is four.
sometimes what we hear isnt what is said.
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney:" Aggressive and hostile"
Officer: "Yes Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined."
Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney:" Aggressive and hostile"
Officer: "Yes Sir?"
Attorney: "Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"
****May Trigger****
This joke is kind of about fighting.
What's Black and Blue and floats down the river?
People who tell Sicilian Jokes.
[ I got that joke from my sister, who probably got it from her hubby, who's Italian-American and such]. He's such a card. Heh Heh. :smile:
Good day,
Rob
This joke is kind of about fighting.
What's Black and Blue and floats down the river?
People who tell Sicilian Jokes.
[ I got that joke from my sister, who probably got it from her hubby, who's Italian-American and such]. He's such a card. Heh Heh. :smile:
Good day,
Rob
A cowboy walks into a bar. he looks sad and tears are on his face.
He walks up to the lady bartender.
"What makes you so said, mister?" she said.
He said: I think there's something wrong with my body. I don't know what it is. Everytime I sit down, I get these sharp pains in my butt.
She said: Did you ever notice that you're wearing your spurs too high???
He walks up to the lady bartender.
"What makes you so said, mister?" she said.
He said: I think there's something wrong with my body. I don't know what it is. Everytime I sit down, I get these sharp pains in my butt.
She said: Did you ever notice that you're wearing your spurs too high???
goingonhope
VIP Member
The Memory Clinic
Two elderly men were sitting in the living room having a conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Great," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques like visualization, association and repetition. It was worth it."
"Well, I'm thinking about going. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred's mind went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He called to his wife in the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
(unknown author)
Two elderly men were sitting in the living room having a conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Great," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques like visualization, association and repetition. It was worth it."
"Well, I'm thinking about going. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred's mind went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He called to his wife in the kitchen, "Hey, Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
(unknown author)
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- #154
anthony
Founder
Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia. (my home state by the way)
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.
True story...
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia. (my home state by the way)
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy”.
True story...
wildfirewildone
Gold Member
Funny Anthony!!! I have heard that joke before but it was about the drinking that goes on in the great state of Texas....My son sent it as at the time him and his now ex lived there for awhile as she was stationed there [Air force] Isn't it corney how the same joke is told as if from different geographical places!!...GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
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anthony
Founder
Yer, they tend to travel the globe... then come back around every couple of years for another burst...
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