List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[becvan]

The Sex Frog

An incredible blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic
pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The
sign on the box says: "Sex Frogs! Only $50 each! Comes with complete
instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody is
watching her. Certain that she is not being watched, she whispers to the
man behind the counter, "I'll take one of the sex frogs!"As the man
packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions."

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as
she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads
them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions tell her:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy night-gown.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you and the frog will
do what he has been trained to do.

She quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens.
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says,
"If you have any problems, please call the store." So our blonde heroine calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde
welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions, but the damned frog just sits there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly,

"Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this once."

 

[Deleted member 93]

Bec, that one reminded me of a joke I heard a while back when I had my poultry farm... OK maybe it was funny as I am a chicken nut. Who knows?

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many hens and roosters.

The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"

The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my hens can have more chicks and lay more eggs."

The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take that rooster over there... he'll do all your hens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."

The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your hens and you'll end up with more chicks than you could ever imagine."

Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up the rooster and lays him in the back of his truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, the rooster leaps out of the truck and grabs a hen. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy! You're going to hurt yourself!"

The rooster just waves, grabs another hen, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the hens just as the other farmer had promised. When he finishes the hens he runs after the dog, and does him too.

The farmer is starting to get a little worried.

The rooster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!

Some time passes and the farmer can't find the rooster anywhere. He looks everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overhead.

The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look what's happened."

The rooster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sick Bird!!!!!!!!!!! Lol!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 93]

OK, I know joecartoon.com is listed here from way back... The frog blender thing made me go back and look. It has been updated a lot. I want to suggest for others to go there and find "monkey looker". I swear I damn near peed my pants. Hubs just shook his head at me. Now I need to remember the angry squirrel site, I loved that one.

 

[Mayhem]

veiled, I belive the site you seek is called....( My spelling is wrong here)

New-rot-ick-ly Yours....






Now for My errrrrrrr and I use the term very loosely *coughs seeing all the women then says*

How do You frustrate an Archiolgist?

hand Him a used tampon and ask Him what period it's from

 

[Deleted member 541]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready"

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.

 

[Marlene]

Kinda says it all!!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

LOL!!!!! Loved it. Thanks for the giggle first thing in the morning...

 

[anthony]

He he he Lisa.... nice.

 

[2quilt]

Men

That's exactly how they think!

I sure do miss Bloom County

 

[Nicolette]

Words of Wisdom

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

"Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy! "

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4* Drive carefully -- it's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8* Never buy a car you can't push.
9* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12* The second mouse gets the cheese.
13* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
15* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
16* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
17* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today

 

[Deleted member 541]

Not actually a joke, but I thought this was worth watching. For all you mom's out there.......youtube.com/watch?v=W95Y8hNQiH8

Enjoy