List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[cherryblossom]

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

[cherryblossom]

Sipping Vodka??!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

[rjtransient]

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

*signs in to rep this*

*signs out*

 

[Marlene]

Just for a giggle.

 

[popeye]

I read this thread a long time ago and since my mother sent me a joke I went on a scavenger hunt for the Pilot/Mechanic jokes to send her back. Since having spent the last 2 hours (slow reader) rereading everything and laughing so hard I was in tears I decided to bring some of my own jokes to the group. The problem is I cannot for the life of me remember a single joke. I can however tell of a few things my children have done that I find hilarious.

While on a camping trip with my family my Father, step son and I went for a trip to the local Cabela's (sporting goods store). It was my Son's time to get a "grown up" fishing pole. In the car we had a very excited 8 year old in the back seat asking what this store would be like since I had told him that this place is a very large store. So I told him there will be a large fish tank filled with fish you can catch here in Wisconsin on many of the lakes we fish on. I told him there will be fishing equipment there for every type of fishing you can think of Deep sea fishing, ice fishing, river fishing and fly fishing. As soon as I said fly fishing he practically screamed from the back seat "I want to do that!" Puzzled by the outburst I asked him "do you know what fly fishing is?" suddenly there is silence from the backseat. After thinking about it he says with all the confidence in the world "That's when you fish out of an Airplane right?". And of course myself being the understanding father that I am burst into laughter so hard that I literally had to pull the car over until could clear the tears from my eyes.

Same camping trip same child. at the campground that we were at is a rec. hall. It has video games and ping pong tables a pool table. They also sell Ice cream frozen pizzas and stuff. My father and I are at the campsite enjoying a couple of beers and talking about life in general and my son asks to go to the rec hall. He leaves and not much time passes and he comes running back to the campsite very excited. He blurts out "DAD! can I have some quarters for the juice box?" Juice box I wonder? I was just down there and I knew they didn't sell Juice boxes at the hall. I told him they didn't sell juice boxes down there and he replied to me again in his very confident voice "No Dad the Juice box that plays music!" It took me awhile to comprehend what he was trying to say. He wanted to pick songs to play on the juke box.

If these stories bring a laugh I have many others to share these were just the ones off the top of my head. let me know.

 

[GodSeeker]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

[GodSeeker]

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

 

[GodSeeker]

The Prison Hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!

Doctor: I am, bit by bit.

 

[Jimmy]

Names

Really, in the English speaking world, people do have to take care when naming things.
This company had to change the name of the ship in the picture.
It gave me a huge belly laugh. :rofl: :rofl:

Jimmy

 

[cragger65]

Got a chuckle out of the ship :)

 

[Jimmy]

If you Google it, you will see the shipping company named their whole line after planets. Guess they just did not think. I think its called Titan Taurus now.

 

[cragger65]

Too funny. I see the ship's from Hong Kong, so I imagine it's a language thing. Seeing "Cream of Sum Yung Gy" on a menu probably sounds like something quite different to the Japanese as well ;)