List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Deleted member 541]

Marlene,

Do they call that road "Suicide Alley?" Nice place for a stroll.. NOT!!!!!!!

 

[gdf]

Well, at least we all now know the answer to that old joke: Why did the chicken cross the road...

 

[popeye]

My son spent the night at a friends house. This friend has an older sibling who tends to share things with my son I would rather him not know until the time comes. He came home the next day and went into the bathroom. All I heard was "Mom!" and my wife apparently heard the rest of what he said. She got up off the couch and stood by the bathroom door and asked him to repeat what he said. She burst out laughing and sent the boy to me to repeat what he said to me. Once again with complete confidence he says "Dad, I think I am having puberty." (he was 7 at the time) This brought a slight smile to my face but I asked him (because I had to understand his thinking) "what makes you think you are having puberty?" He answered me right away with full confidence. "Because my gums hurt."

My oldest daughter was sitting on the floor in only a diaper watching tv one day and drinking apple juice out of a sippy cup. She asks me a question which I don't remember but she stood up as she was asking the question and she burped. I will never forget the look on her face her brighten the room smile as she said "Oops, I farted out of my mouth!"

 

[cragger65]

Freaking hilarious!!! ;D

Kids are comedic geniuses in the best way :)

 

[cragger65]

Children & Child Birth

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!!!"

 

[popeye]

I have decided my son is probably the funniest child in all of the world. I was recently prescribed a sleeping pill so I could get some rest after my hernia surgery a few years ago. I had gone to bed and had just fallen asleep and was in between asleep and dreaming when I heard the sound of water. It sounded kind of like I was peeing the bed so I woke up with a start. Enough that I checked myself and since I wasn't wet I listened and the water sound was still happening. I cracked an eye open enough to see a shadow in the doorway about the size of my son. I flicked on my touch lamp and sure enough here is my son SLEEP WALKING and peeing in a shoe box in my doorway. I shouted at him "Jamie! What are you doing!?" He replies to me in a very sleepy voice half mumbled " I have to go potty!" I giggled just a little and said "Ok buddy but please do it in the bathroom." He mumbled back "Ok. Where is it?" "Two steps to your left buddy." I replied. Just another wonderful dad being dad of the year.

 

[Marlene]

Maybe it's my mood, but I about peed my pants laughing at this. :rofl:

 

[Jimmy]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySydney"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital. :rofl: :rofl:

 

[popeye]

First of all i have a migraine right now so my words might be jumbled here.

My oldest daughter is not afraid to be seen going potty at all. I was cooking my special bacon grilled cheese sandwiches when the child comes flying out of the dining room and goes into the bathroom. She left the door open because apparently she had to go that bad. Meanwhile my son walks up to her and tells her to hurry up because he has to go. I return to my cooking until I hear something making a thumping sound from the bathroom. Thinking she was struggling to get a glass of water again I walked to the doorway. Here she is sitting on the potty banging herself in the head real hard with her fist. Thinking this was a bit different I asked her what she was doing. Again with the delivery of a professional she responds right away "I have to beat the poop out!"

Will wonders never cease from these kids?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Dear Mr. James Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20
years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month'
is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a
George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy
was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted
to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.' Are you freakin' kidding me? What I mean is, does
any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will
never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to load yourself
up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local WalMart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are
you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly
miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bull crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Sincerely

 

[amethist]

:rofl:Brilliant, good job I did not have a drink in my hand or I would have had a drenched laptop again.

Thankfully I no longer have this kind of problem.

Amethist

 

[Marlene]

OMG....I laughed so hard I almost peed myself!!! 'Put the hammer down'. Now THAT'S a public service message! :thumbs-up

And the wings, oh my lord, the wings. The first time my husband saw a pad with wings he got this really strange look on his face and asked if they were going to fly out of my panties!! :rofl:

That was great, Wen...thanks for making me laugh.

Lisa