List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[KP the nut]

Van slogans.

"Every do you do is driven by us", cesspit collection tanker

You've tried the cowboys now try the indians", Indian builder's van

"A dog's not just for Christmas, it's alright on a Friday night too"

"So fresh next of kin havent been informed", fish delivery van

I love getting felt", roofing contractor's van

"If you can't see my mirrors, I'm dong my hair"

 

[Sandra]

Dear Santa
I don't want much for Christmas, I just want the person reading this to be happy .


Friends are the fruit cake of life - some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet - but mix them together and they're my friends.

 

[Abrasky]

Cop pulls me over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Ma'am, have you been drinking?
Me: No!
Cop: Papers.
Me: Scissors, I win!

 

[Loloma]

Scared sleeping
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

[Loloma]

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

 

[amethist]

"Lead me not into temptation. I can find it very easily on my own thank you." :roflmao:

 

[amethist]

What is the difference between Snowmen and Snow women.

Snow balls. :whistling:

 

[KP the nut]

Why did Cinderella like Prince Charming?

Cos he had great balls :eek:

 

[Sandra]

The lady reporter:I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said…
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter:(obviously embarrassed):Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

Farmer:And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

Reporter:Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

Farmer:I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

 

[wife of]

Sory not a joke but a reccomendation to anyone in need of mirth. Google Billy Connoleys welly boot song. It never fails...

 

[KP the nut]

All together now.............if it wasna for your wellies where would you be, you'd be in the hospital or infirmary.......:roflmao:

 

[cherryblossom]

Sharing Everything

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered -- "The TEETH"