List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[Queen Boudica]

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available​

 

[Nicolette]

For the religious:

RECALL NOTICE:

The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been identified as "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.

Some of the symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.

Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure.

Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

 

[Queen Boudica]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM"-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the
world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever(evil bitches) . Don't mess with them.

 

[popeye]

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky

 

[Anna]

My friend sent me today a massive long list of jokes. Here is one of them.

The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much
in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
"Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
"You want a beer, My Love?"
She opens the refrigerator door shows him 25 different brands of beer from
12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, including six
places he's never even heard of. The husband is nonplussed, and all he can
think to say is,
"Yes, Honey Pie, but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."
He hasn't finished the sentence before wifey interrupts him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She hands him a mug out of the
freezer that is so cold that it burns his fingers
"Yes, Tootsie Roll," hubby says, a bit desperately, "but at the bar they
have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Pookie Pooh?"
She opens the oven and removes 15 different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But, Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing,the dirty words
and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Here.. DRINK YOUR f*ckING BEER IN YOUR
FROZEN f*ckING MUG AND EAT YOUR f*ckING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING
f*ckING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

And another

HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been
because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was quite slow going I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this
restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up
and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he
says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to
his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I
don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back
or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me
so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I
say I'm going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joins me and
we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I Just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't
know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
Chelsea lost. Tired. Got a shag though.

 

[Anna]

Lost in translation LOL. Always makes me laugh this one!

 

[Nicolette]

 

[KP the nut]

 

[KP the nut]

Stress Relief


Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You're smiling already.

 

[Barberian]

I thought I was going crazy so I packed light knowing it would be a short trip.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name. If you have PTSD, slowly and very carefully press 000. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won’t be crazy forever. If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 2000 calls ahead of you. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.’

 

[Anna]

 

[popeye]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."