List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[cherryblossom]

An old Dobermann starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.
The old Dobermann thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Dobermann exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Dobermann nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Dobermann sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Dobermann says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

The moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[safenow]

*Rolling on floor, holding my sides from laughing so hard.* Thank you, cherryblossom. Good one.

 

[winterose]

The Priest

A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and being told that there

was a future in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter

him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a

horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might just as well enter it in the

race. To his surprise, the Donkey came in third. The next day, the

racing sheet carried this headline: "PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS".

The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in the races

again. This time it won. The paper read: "PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT".

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

priest not to enter the donkey in anymore races. The newspapers read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS".

This was just too much for the bishop and he ordered the priest to get

rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a nearby

convent and the headlines read: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN".

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose

of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The paper stated:

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS".

They buried the Bishop the next day......

 

[JustBe]

Too funny! :D:D:cool::p

 

[Whitneys story]

I am on the floor with safe now!

@ Cherryblossom I am old may I steal your wisdom quote?

Thanks for the laughs.

 

[winterose]

The New Doctor

The old rancher took his wife to town to see the new doctor. He waited for her by the hitch rail while he shot the breeze with some other old timers. After a few minutes, he heard his wife scream, then she slammed through the door and nearly knocked him down. Finally, he calmed her enough to learn what the problem was.

After listening to her story, he helped her into the buckboard to wait for him while he settled things with this new upstart. He hitched his gun belt in place and marched in to confront the doctor.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" the rancher demanded of the doctor. "My wife is 63 years old. We have five grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor raised his eyebrows and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[safenow]

LOL. Good one.

 

[safenow]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[Britt.f7]

Sorry, a little dirty:

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help!!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him
get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live...

 

[cherryblossom]

@ Cherryblossom I am old may I steal your wisdom quote?

Of course you can :)

 

[StarChild]

first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

Well... Old age obviously not only seems to come with wisdom but rather with a lot more possibilities than to shift just clothes. :hilarious::wideeyed:

 

[Whitneys story]

Rarely are things as they seem. Even when we are told differently.

Cruising around the forum night before last I was having trouble posting. One like would work, the next would not.

Same thing with posting? I kept getting pop ups, Error the server timed out. Try again! I cleared my cache and tried again.

Then I get a notification, please report your last action to the webmaster. With the time and your information and what action you did. This will help find the problem in the background.

I am trying to find the link to proceed. :)

A new pop up "Safari cannot find the server"
So I go through and reset my phone. It is usually the device. I went to another bookmark which worked fine.

I know I could not possibly have done anything to shut down the forum. Report it to the webmaster? So I got on the computer. Oh oh, No forum. Nah! I didn't do that.

Announcements: What a relief it was many hours later to read the cron was running amuck. Poor Anthony and the things he has to deal with.

Phew, It was not me. :woot: