Whitneys story
Diamond Member
Sure do! Got you going now.... Genealogist, history geek. I know, not what you might have thought from a soft spoken ole gal! :eek:
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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
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Sure do! Got you going now.... Genealogist, history geek. I know, not what you might have thought from a soft spoken ole gal! :eek:
beautifulbroken
Bronze Member
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
Har Har
Frostbite!
Har Har
KP the nut
VIP Member
One liners.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"'
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
KP the nut
VIP Member
I really must get a life ;)
I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
I went up to the airport information desk. I said: "How many airports are there in the world?"
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Whitneys story
Diamond Member
Great ones KP!
I see said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw...
I see said the blind man as he picked up the hammer and saw...
zaniara
Diamond Member
I agree!! :D It made me feel hope(like growing old doesn't have to mean that you get all stiffed up and lose the childishness!)
StarChild
Sponsor
There was this man who went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, " he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I want to get into bed, I think there's somebody under my bed. So I get under the bed to look, and I think there's somebody on top of it. On top, under, on top under... Doc, you got to help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself trustful in my hands for about two years" said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
The man asked: "How much do you charge?" Doc: "A hundred dollars per visit." "Well, I'll sleep on it," the man said.
Six month later the doctor met that man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bug's per visit? A bartender cured me for only ten bug's!"
"Is that so! How did he do it?"
"He just told me, to cut the legs off the bed!"
"Just put yourself trustful in my hands for about two years" said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
The man asked: "How much do you charge?" Doc: "A hundred dollars per visit." "Well, I'll sleep on it," the man said.
Six month later the doctor met that man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bug's per visit? A bartender cured me for only ten bug's!"
"Is that so! How did he do it?"
"He just told me, to cut the legs off the bed!"
Whitneys story
Diamond Member
Bud the Cowboy,
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous Pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep .”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous Pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep .”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
Whitneys story
Diamond Member
SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little dick head.
If you're not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is.
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little dick head.
If you're not a Senior yet then send this to someone who is.
HëllaBubz
Diamond Member
As an IT technician - a favourite diagnosis was PEBCAK
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.
Here are some funny stories regarding Father's day. I though you migh enjoy them.
Dad: how do you like fourth grade?
Son: It isn't much fun.
Dad: That's to bad. It was the best three years of my life.
Boy: "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
Father: "Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table,son."
After dinner the father inquired: "Now son, what did you want to ask me?"
Boy: "Oh, nothing. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
Teacher on phone: "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?"
Voice: This is my father.
All from Simply Seniors Humor!
Dad: how do you like fourth grade?
Son: It isn't much fun.
Dad: That's to bad. It was the best three years of my life.
Boy: "Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
Father: "Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table,son."
After dinner the father inquired: "Now son, what did you want to ask me?"
Boy: "Oh, nothing. There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."
Teacher on phone: "You say Michael has a cold and can't come to school today? To whom am I speaking?"
Voice: This is my father.
All from Simply Seniors Humor!
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