List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

[StarChild]

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see the doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, when she suddenly interrupted him. "Hey look, I'm a vet I don't need to ask my patients all these kind of questions! I can tell what's wrong just by look at them, so why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said: "There you are. But you know, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you down!"

 

[cherryblossom]

A sweet little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed wind at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was doing it because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my wind, although still silent, stinks terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

[StarChild]

"Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Hi Cherryblossom, you know, I have lots of sinuses issues.... So, after reading this, I really went very quick to the bathroom to rinse my nose (in the middle of the night). You never know.... :p

 

[.Bubbles.]

Let's eat grandma!
Let's eat, grandma! - punctuation saves lives.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hurt myself laughing when I saw this.
No wonder my parents raised me vegetarian, it was for the furthering of the human race!

 

[Whitneys story]

OMG I actually watched that show! Great post Bubzilla. :tup: Whitney

 

[.Bubbles.]

A man walks into a bar...ouch.

A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks "why the long face?"

What is brown and sticky? A stick.

A man visits his doctor. "dr, I need help."
"what is wrong, sir?"
"I feel like a pair of curtains"
"pull yourself together!"

A woman runs into the emergency room.
"help me, help me!!! I need to see a nurse NOW!!! I'm shrinking more and more by the minute - look how small I am!!!"
"madam, you're going to have to be a little patient"

What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin rolling.

The terrible ones are the best :)

 

[Changing4Best]

A mother is so distressed, she does not know what to do. Her twin sons (aged 11) have been breaking into houses and stealing things. She's talked to them, punished them, done everything she could think of, but no help. They just keep on stealing.

Finally in desperation, she goes to her pastor. He agrees to talk to the boys, but only one at a time. She sends the first over to see the pastor, and leaves him there. The man goes over everything about the good life with the little tyke, and he seems to listen. The pastor thinks maybe he should check if the boy is really listening though.

So he asks the boy, "Where is God"? The boy looks down and silently fiddles with his fingers. So the man goes over all his preaching again, then again asks the boy, "Where is God"? The boy responds again by looking at his shoes and fidgeting. Finally the preacher gets a little impatient and gives the lesson briefly, again asking, "Where is God"?

The boy gets up, darts out of the preacher's office and runs home to his brother. He tells him, "We're in real trouble now, God is missing and they think we stole him"!

 

[Changing4Best]

THis is a true story:

A college friend of mine decided to get a part-time job driving a cab to help pay for extra expenses. We were going to college in Brooklyn, NYC, USA.

One day about a week into his job, he got a "lady" in his cab that just complained about everything. He was going too fast, then too slow, the cab smelled bad... so finally they got stuck in rush hour traffic in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge and she starts complaining with fervor. "Can't you find a way to get around this, I don't want to be late, you are the worst cab driver I've EVER had...."

Traffic was stopped for a LONG time and my friend finally could not stand her screaming voice any longer. He opened the door of the driver's side and got out and started walking. He walked into Brooklyn, called the cab company and said that he was quitting that instant, that their cab was in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge and they could go collect it there. And he never turned back!

 

[amethist]

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"

Little Johnny: "None."

Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"

Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"

Teacher: "Sure."

Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"

Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."

Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

[amethist]

A London lawyer and a Yorkshire man are sitting next to each other on a
long flight to Leeds.

The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all 'cloth cap and clogs'
and that he can fool them easily...

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshire man would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshire man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5; you
ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshire man's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth
to the moon?'

The Yorkshire man doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out
a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Yorkshire man's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He
uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes up the
Yorkshire man and hands him £500. The Yorkshire man pockets the £500
and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshire man up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four?'

The Yorkshire man reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes
back to sleep.

Don't mess with us Yorkshire men; we only talk different!!!

 

[JustBe]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart.
It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.