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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd
- Post starter anthony
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notsurewheretoturn
Platinum Member
Used to have some of these on my office wall;
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub? - A self cleaning coven
Words Of Wisdom From Children...
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?", don't answer him.
- Michael, age 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, age 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, age 14
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
- Andrew, age 9
Never hold a dust buster and a kitty at the same time.
- Kyoyo, age 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Amir, age 9
If you want a kitten, start by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, age 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, age 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, age 10
Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, age 8
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Sally, age 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Michelle, age 10
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Scott, age 7
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Sam, age 8
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
- Timothy, age 5
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub? - A self cleaning coven
Words Of Wisdom From Children...
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?", don't answer him.
- Michael, age 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, age 9
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, age 14
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
- Andrew, age 9
Never hold a dust buster and a kitty at the same time.
- Kyoyo, age 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Amir, age 9
If you want a kitten, start by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, age 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, age 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, age 10
Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, age 8
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Sally, age 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Michelle, age 10
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Scott, age 7
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Sam, age 8
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
- Timothy, age 5
Changing4Best
VIP Member
This guy gets out of the hospital and he has with him all the usual things that one used in the hospital. His car runs out of gas, but he has no gas can. He searches through his things and discovers that all he has available to put gas into is his urinal. So he walks to a gas station and fills it up, pays for the gas and walks back to his car.
As he's pouring the gas into his car, a couple of folks drive by and one of them hollers out the window, "Man, brother, that is the strongest faith I have ever witnessed!"
As he's pouring the gas into his car, a couple of folks drive by and one of them hollers out the window, "Man, brother, that is the strongest faith I have ever witnessed!"
D
Deleted member 29920
:roflmao::roflmao:Roflmao!!!!
T
Tommy Crawford
Bama fans be like "Roll Tide Roll"!
D
Deleted member 20280
Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter sees him and exclaims, "Uh Hitler ? What are you doing here???
Hitler retorts to Peter! "I have died and I want to come in"!
Peter laughs at Hitler in response and tells him to Fukk off!
Hitler replies In a curt way, "you are not the boss get me Jesus!!
Peter picks up the phone and calls Jesus.at the palace!
Peter says " Jesus mate, Hitler is at the gate and he wants to come in!"
"Tell him to fukk off" says Jesus, after what he did to the Jews he is Not coming in" He retorts!
Peter returns to Hitler and tries.again to tell him No!
Hitler says "Give me that phone"
Hitler speaks to Jesus and says, "If you let me in I will give an Iron cross, first class!!
Ooh! Thinks Jesus, an Iron cross!! I have not got one of those, "wait there Hitler he replies and rushes off to speak with God!
"Daddy, daddy Hirler is at the gate and says if I let him, I can have an Iron Cross!!!
God laughs at Jesus hysterically and replies, "Jesus, you want an Iron Cross ! Ha, you stuggled to carry that wooden one!
Hitler retorts to Peter! "I have died and I want to come in"!
Peter laughs at Hitler in response and tells him to Fukk off!
Hitler replies In a curt way, "you are not the boss get me Jesus!!
Peter picks up the phone and calls Jesus.at the palace!
Peter says " Jesus mate, Hitler is at the gate and he wants to come in!"
"Tell him to fukk off" says Jesus, after what he did to the Jews he is Not coming in" He retorts!
Peter returns to Hitler and tries.again to tell him No!
Hitler says "Give me that phone"
Hitler speaks to Jesus and says, "If you let me in I will give an Iron cross, first class!!
Ooh! Thinks Jesus, an Iron cross!! I have not got one of those, "wait there Hitler he replies and rushes off to speak with God!
"Daddy, daddy Hirler is at the gate and says if I let him, I can have an Iron Cross!!!
God laughs at Jesus hysterically and replies, "Jesus, you want an Iron Cross ! Ha, you stuggled to carry that wooden one!
J_trustno1
Diamond Member
Hahahahahahha Good one Laurie :D. Happy to see your humorous side again after ages :hug:s :D
D
Deleted member 20280
A farmer buys himself a parrot as a pet, and the parrot gets into the hen house and promptly f*cks all the hens in spite of the rooster.
The farmer is outraged, "if you do that one more time, I'll pluck ALL the feathers out of your head"
The parrot isn't impressed, and repeats his performance a few days later
"I warned you," says the farmer, and promptly carries out his promise, and the parrot is as bald as a coot
He chains the parrot up on his perch and tells it "tomorrow, I'm having a party, and YOU are going to sit there and direct my guests to their places, the directions are, "ladies on the right, gentlemen on the left", if you say anything else you're in trouble"
The parrot says he's got it and will remember
Sure enough the guests duly arrive and the parrot is polite and courteous as he should be, when suddenly two totally bald men walk into the room this completely throws the parrot who says "ladies on the right, gentlemen on the left, and you two chicken f*ckers out in the hen house with me"
The farmer is outraged, "if you do that one more time, I'll pluck ALL the feathers out of your head"
The parrot isn't impressed, and repeats his performance a few days later
"I warned you," says the farmer, and promptly carries out his promise, and the parrot is as bald as a coot
He chains the parrot up on his perch and tells it "tomorrow, I'm having a party, and YOU are going to sit there and direct my guests to their places, the directions are, "ladies on the right, gentlemen on the left", if you say anything else you're in trouble"
The parrot says he's got it and will remember
Sure enough the guests duly arrive and the parrot is polite and courteous as he should be, when suddenly two totally bald men walk into the room this completely throws the parrot who says "ladies on the right, gentlemen on the left, and you two chicken f*ckers out in the hen house with me"
D
Deleted member 20280
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says to the man behind the counter, "have you got any rabbits?” The man says yes little girl, what sort and colour did you want?” The girl thinks and says, " I don't think my python's too fussy"!
D
Deleted member 20280
A man is walking through a wood one day with a rucksack on his back, when he finds a pool of water, "this is nice", he thinks, " I'll take a dip, and scrub down, I have a towel and bar of soap", and he does take a dip. As he gets out of the pool however, three nuns come walking through the trees towards him, "oh no," he thinks, "what'll I do?” so he decides to stand perfectly still. The first nun, seeing him says, "I didn't know there was a statue here", "maybe it's not a statue", says the second "maybe it's a vending machine, you know a new one, let's give it a try". And she walks up and puts ten pence into his mouth and pulls on his penis, he is so surprised he drops his soap. "Oh look, says the nun, "it is a vending machine, I have a bar of soap, go on sister Agnes, YOU have a go," so sister Agnes walks up and puts ten pence in his mouth, and pulls on his penis, and he drops his towel. " oh what a lovely towel", she says, then she turns to the third nun, " go on sister Mary, it's your turn now", sister Mary walks up, puts ten pence in his mouth, pulls his penis, then pulls it again, and again, then she looks at her hand and says "You don't get much shampoo for ten pence do you?"
D
Deleted member 20280
This blonde as getting upset at her husband because every time they went to the pub he would stand there giving it loads of mouth about how women, and blondes in particular were generally good for nothing.
So one day she decides to teach him a lesson. So she buys a couple of tins of paint and hides them away.
One day after he went to work, she gets them out and paints the whole house from top to bottom.
When he gets home from work he finds her lying on the floor wearing a pair of jeans, a waterproof jacket and a skiing jacket sweating like a pig.
“What’s wrong with you love?” he asks, concerned. She waves an exhausted hand around gasping about what she has done, “Yes love,” he says, “I can see that you’ve done a lovely job, but why are you sweating like a pig?”
“Well,” she says, “It said on the cans, for best results put on two coats!"
So one day she decides to teach him a lesson. So she buys a couple of tins of paint and hides them away.
One day after he went to work, she gets them out and paints the whole house from top to bottom.
When he gets home from work he finds her lying on the floor wearing a pair of jeans, a waterproof jacket and a skiing jacket sweating like a pig.
“What’s wrong with you love?” he asks, concerned. She waves an exhausted hand around gasping about what she has done, “Yes love,” he says, “I can see that you’ve done a lovely job, but why are you sweating like a pig?”
“Well,” she says, “It said on the cans, for best results put on two coats!"
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