Living With An Accessory To My Abuse

[James B.]

I am SO SAD for all of us! Yet likewise so thankful to find that I am not alone!

Thank you CabraVerde.

My heart goes out to everyone suffering from family like this. It was hell for me, so I can relate.

 

[CabraVerde]

Thank YOU so much, James B.!

I know that this is a bit of an aside, but I really like your profile pic. That particular scene from Bladerunner is one of my all-time favorites, as I personally feel that it says a lot about many of us who are struggling with PTSD. You know, "off the shores of Orion...the things which I have seen..." and he's 'dying.' There are so many great thematic concepts in that movie for survivors: the God/creator(parent) who objectifies his creations, the alienation/stigmatization of being 'different', the other scene where the 'creation' confronts and kills his 'creator' (and there's a chess game involved, the 'game of life'). An all around great movie!
I do find myself preferring the director's cut more now these days, because there's hope, possibilities, and they're driving off in a car to the future...and it's green, natural, with the wind blowing through their hair (a stark contrast to the 'city'). I said to a guest tonight at my WP, "You know, there are no guarantees. I could die tonight, or you, tomorrow...car accident, or even a heart attack. We just have today, and why not try to make it the best that we can?" I know that some people would use that as an 'excuse' to live it up and perhaps wreck havoc on the world, but I instead think/feel, "I don't want to die with regrets." I sort of self-talked myself into changing my worldview today, because I don't want to leave with unfinished business (although there's always that risk). But yes, as of today, at least for myself, I am going to focus on treating others as I would want to for others to treat me. There's a whole philosophical basis of thought behind my decision, but that's another story...longer and more detailed. ;)

Take care, friend! Peace, Love, and Prosperity! :)

 

[Trina]

Stormy, I'm so glad you're working on getting out. I left home young, so my situation wasn't nearly the same as yours in that sense, though I went on to have a series of mostly abusive friendships and two (yes, two) marriages to the same abusive man. I finally got out of that, and have learned to get out quickly when I see potentially abusive behaviors in someone new, but am dealing with fallout in some areas, still. I didn't have a stay at a women's shelter, but did receive non-resident therapy from one for about a year. It helped quite a lot, though now I'm realizing that I have traumas I haven't yet dealt with properly, so am in the process of looking for a therapist who specializes in trauma.

My sister is heavily involved in pet rescue, and if you need help in finding a safe temporary home for your pets, let me know and I"ll contact her to find someone in your area who can help with it. There are a lot of good people out there, and I think we can find someone, or more than one person, who can foster them, and who's been checked-out and ''cleared' by a rescue coordinator.

Sending hugs!

 

[Stormy Eagle]

CabraVerde, I did look up "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers"...Gaslighting...holey c***, you were exactly right!!! that is exactly what she does to me, always deny everything to try to make me believe I'm crazy..."oh, no...I would never leave you with him for days...I knew how afraid of him you were...I would never do that!"

 

[CabraVerde]

I'm glad, and yet sad, that I was able to be of help, Stormy. Having grown up with such a mother myself, I certainly don't wish that unfortunate situation on anyone else.

The DONM's website is helpful, however, because it does validate our experiences. The NM 'vocabulary' was particularly enlightening for myself, because aside from the overt emotional and physical abuse, I could never understand why I felt like such an 'emotional hostage' to my own mother's words.

Prior to going NC again, I was often told, "You over-analyze everything, and read too much between the lines..." :confused:

...(((HUGS)))...

 

[Abrasky]

You need to get out ASAP so you and your daughter can start to heal.
I have a mother that I have a similar situation with, she and my abusive father were like a team of abuse and emotional blackmailing. Although she wasn't narcisstic like your mum, It was so bad, I can not separate the abuse and blackmail. They are a team effort behind all my flashbacks.
I would live in a caravan park or in my car before I went back to my mother. I feel I would be safer there. You can't pick your family, but yes you can pick your home.
You need to go to a lawyer and sort out the on the books thing so you can get the help you deserve. Don't let your mother cheat you out of a recovery. I am so angry for you. I think your mother is using you like a puppet with strings, she's super abusive and I would be running.
That is what I would do.
No you are not stuck, your mother wants you to think you are stuck. Of course you are depressed. You are living with an abuser.
Sending lots of hugs.

 

[OKRADLAK]

That is a terrible place to be in. After I got PTSD I was with a BF who abused me. My former trauma was SO BAD that I did not even realize that his strangling me was abuse!!! At least he was nice to me sometimes!! Then, when i realized it, I was in and stuck, too.

I have no idea how I had the strength to leave. And it cost me a lot. I had dreams and I had stuff and had to just watch it go.

My animals I was lucky to be able to give them to family who loved them. Once I left I was able to heal, and it took years to get over that and he was just a BF not a mom. So I really am sad about your situation........keep looking for resources....you have a lot of support here.

 

[CabraVerde]

I'm so relating to what everyone has been posting here. My thoughts are with you all! (((HUGS)))

I just called this morning to schedule an appointment with an attorney to start on my divorce, and it's opening up a whole 'nother world of thoughts and feelings. I could never understand why one of the 'should-have-been' happiest days of my life (graduation from university with a BS in Human Services) was ignored by my family and basically sabotaged by my husband, but with Narcissism it suddenly all makes sense; if my 'successes' don't support them, then I'm not really succeeding at all. This realization this morning, the bared honesty of it all, has put me through an emotional spin cycle. Logically, I understand that I am breaking free from all of my negative emotional connections from before (past), but emotionally, I'm embarking on a totally new frontier...very different from the 'supposed' love that I was taught/beaten/ridiculed into believing before. I have thoughts/feelings sometimes, like this morning, where I imagine/think about what I would like to be doing in another five years...and something so simple, basically...like getting a new pair of Docs to walk (my current pair have given their lives for me), and I get so happy for a moment...until the 'voices' start back in again: "You are selfish...all you think about is yourself...you are too independent and no one is going to want to marry you..."

For a moment this morning, I was so tempted to email my mother:
“You always want to berate me for not looking for a job with my degree. Well, how do you know that I even have a degree? Maybe I just lied to you to see if you cared…and as you didn’t, what’s the @#%@# point now?!!”

It just makes me so angry, how 'they' want to associate all of these questionable adjectives to me, including ‘liar’, without a reason…though I could give them a supposed reason…and actually lie to them now about the degree that I do, in fact, have. Along with all of ‘this’ is the realization that ‘my way or the highway’ is actually more applicable to my mother, because why else would she preface time and time again the graduations of my sister?! Well, whose 'successes' are supporting the narcissist?! And I guess that I haven't...and am still not supporting her....nor will I be supporting her in the future.

It's just this awful feeling...mixed with the hope/joy/happiness of something new. On one hand, I feel like I have just burned the Holy Bible, and God is going to rain down fire and brimstone on me; on the other, I know that there's something else better out there for me, and I will eventually find and have those better 'things' for myself. Ultimately, those people didn't really love me, and what other way do I have now but to finally love myself? Loving myself? What a scary concept really, for someone like me (us?).

There is a lot of hope, light, love, and opportunities on the other side of each of our individual situations (I do believe this); getting there, again, is not easy...as I am myself now finding out...but very possible. This is the only 'love' that I have ever known...and as messed up as that is, I'm still attached to it...but trying to break free.

What I still can't believe about myself even at this moment is that I still feel some need to give them their 30th chance to change/improve. Why?! The only thing that I can understand from this is that, having been told that I was almost always wrong, selfish, and generally unlovable, I am still generally incapable of making these situations work (my fault). Am I? I don't think so. I think that I've been brainwashed into believing that my needs/wants were always subservient to everyone else's (manufactured co-dependent). To find myself, my true self, I am going to have to extricate all of this negative self-talk from myself, and like the removal of a cancerous tumor, it's not going to be pain free. The things truly worth having are not without struggle, pain, and personal sacrifice.

Please pardon my tirade; I thought that I would be much more balanced in expressing my feelings about my mother, and her 'mini-me' of my choosing, my current husband. It hurts, that's all I can say...whether you do it tomorrow or five years from today. The only consolation is that the sooner that you break off contact with your emotional (and otherwise) abusers, you can start living your life free from abuse; YOU CAN START LIVING YOUR LIFE!

Peace, Love, and Prosperity to ALL! (((HUGS)))
__CabraVerde__

 

[Stormy Eagle]

As I was relating to the posts I just read, I had an epiphany…it was like a small puzzle in my head slipped together. I have always felt like I was less than a human being, because I was treated like less than human.
That might seem obvious - it is obvious that I was treated like s*** But the fact that I was treated like I didn’t count at all, not even as an object (as you would take a certain level of care with one), by the people that were supposed to love me and keep me safe, truly left me with the belief that I am not a “true” human being.
I wrote my trauma diary last night and posted it before I changed my mind; part of me is worried that people that read it will realize that I am not really human and will not want to have anything to do with me…then where will I turn for support?
I wasn’t sure what good it would do, but what it helped me realize is how truly demoralized I was. Not only was I forced to endure physical, emotional, sexual, mental and verbal abuse as a child, but to this day my mother still gaslights me. I was never allowed to tell – I was not even valuable enough to be allowed to ask for the abuse to stop. The first time I told my grandma at 5, my mother told her I was lyeing.
It is no wonder I have very little quality of life, that I barely feel human. I don’t work – I’m scared to death to interact with “normal” people. I will be chatting and the thought hits me… "what if they see through me, what if they realize I’m a pile of trash, masquerading as a real girl?" I always try to wrap things up real quick after that…sometimes I can even fool them for a little while – a few days, a few weeks…but I always try to get out before they have to see the shell fly off and the big pile of trash blow away in the wind.

 

[Blondie362]

I read your post and really feel your pain, I had to go back to living with my Mum and stepfather after leaving a very abusive marriage , and also suffered physical abuse from my blood father and sexual abuse from a neighbour, and verbal & emotional abuse from my stepfather so to stare into a face of a person who should have been there to protect you really is the hardest thing to live with.

Try and contact a womens aid or refuge who may be able to get you into housing and give you the help and support you need so badly.
I know how you feel about your animals - they are my salvation. ( I too have Bichons and 4 cats) couldn't live without them.

I had to to get my dogs I had at the time to stay with friends so I could get my life on track, but again there are places that can help you with your animals temporarily so you can get back on your feet.

Step on the accelerator and say " no more " take the control off your mother and seek out agencies that can help you become independent, there are many charities out there that can give free advice of how to get out & help you to do so, you are stronger than you think- you have a daughter who relies on you , you would never let anyone treat your daughter that way, and if she see's how her mommy is affected it can only make her think this is normal.

Controlling people are parasites who suck the life out of you to feed their own inadequacy's

Try not to pre think what people will see in you, you have come this far.. and the fact you have the ability to write down the thoughts you have , write another diary " so how do I start over and hit the reset button and get my life back"

We all sit and write the about our horrendous experiences and weakness's but we all have strengths that we think we haven't got - but the human resolve is stronger than we think, and at some point you have to cut out the environment and people who are keeping their foot and our heads and making us stay in the that black hole,

Write down your strengths & goals and aim for them, this shit didn't happen overnight and won't be fixed overnight, but you have to start at the bottom of the ladder and start climbing a day at a time.

I have this quote stuck on my fridge:

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

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If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. ​

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If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. ​

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The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. ​

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Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. ​

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For you see, in the end, it is between you and a higher power. It was never between you and them anyway.” ​

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―

Mother Teresa​

Good Luck and stay strong.
Kate

 

[Harry6]

Dear S.E.​

It looks to me like you might have something upside down.​

I understand that being treated like crap,​

has made you feel like crap,​

feel less then human.​

But it is damned obvious​

you are full of humanity.​

It's those who've treated you as crap,​

who lack what's called "humanity".​

Not you.​

It's not the abused who lacks humanity.​

Dammit, it's not you.​

It's the abuser.​

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Hi Kate...thank you for your wise words, I LOVE that idea...WRITE ANOTHER DIARY... " So how do I start over and hit the reset button and get my life back?"
I will start that one tonight.

Anna-Lisa