Living With An Accessory To My Abuse

[Blondie362]

Anna - Lisa you sit down quietly on your own and write down what you want from your life, and for your daughter.
Don't write down any negatives , only write your goals , your dreams and your aspirations.

Think about what you want for you & your daughter, and how you can achieve that, think about the fact you are a Mom who loves her daughter and animals , and how you have a wonderful heart and able to give love- to them all.

Try not to think about anything other that what you want from hereonin, and a plan of action to achieve it.

So it could be :
I would like a home of my own where I can enjoy the freedom,peace and love of my daughter and pets...... = how can I do that ?......................

Think of possible ways and list them at this point this is going to be your dairy for your future, not a diary of the past.

Some ideas when you read them back may seem a lifetime a way and that's ok.. you have the rest of your life , its going to be baby steps.

We are told by therapists to write down all out thoughts and fears nightmares etc..., but I also have another diary my " Hope Book" where each day I aim for something to be able to do.. something simple, something that makes a difference for me where I can say "yes I can do this" & " your approval is no longer needed nor required" -

This is going to be a positive read when you look back at it, think about what YOU want .. the beautiful lady in the photograph holding her gorgeous little dog.

Take your time, think about it and and I guarantee once you get your pen going, it will just flow.

Our past can sculpture our present, but it doesn't always mean that it kills our future, that just gives too much power to others that have created it, and you want that power back.

No other human being should have that control and power, we are all human beings nobody is super human to be able to command that demise in the heart and soul of us.

You'll get it back girl .. stay strong.

Kate x

 

[Stormy Eagle]

Hi Kate...I cut and pasted your letter as the introduction to My Dream Diary...it will be the first for me.

Wow it would feel good to say, "yes I can do this" & " your approval is no longer needed nor required." This will be the first time I have made that statement, as I have always had someone around to abuse me and make demands of me.

Thank you for your kindness and support.

 

[Blondie362]

Hi
Don't try and cope alone, you are going to need a support network in place to help you get out and move on, its finding the resources near to you that can help with the practicalities of how to move forward.

I hope you are able to access somebody like a good therapist,and advice or charitable organisations who can help you with that .

We are all in different parts of the world so, different support will be available, probably harder now because of government cut backs ( it is in the UK) but we do have quite alot of places to help women like yourself who can provide advice and support and how to get back on your feet with housing, possibly social benefits etc..

I was lucky because I was able to get help via a women's refuge that could offer advice about what was on offer to me and how to move forward.

But even throughout the hard times I kept my "hope book" entries going, part of therapy is to write about the bad stuff to be able to process it,
but I also felt I needed something else to provide a positive for me, and I hope you can do the same, it may not work for some, but it really helped me to cope otherwise I would have gone even more crazy dwelling on the crap that had got me to a place I didn't want to be.

it won't be easy, but its a start and you sound like a person who is ready to try find herself again, as stuff happens in life our identity can get lost and its about regaining the confidence to move on, its not easy but its not impossible either.

Good Luck, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Katye:)

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi,

I understand your predicament, since I have been abused by both my parents and have to live with both of them. Worse, after the horrific way my dad abused me and left me nearly crazy, the "snuck" him into living with us again a couple of years ago, not telling (or asking) me, because they knew I would not be OK with it, so I didn't find out until after the fact. They both are still abusive, in that they are extremely controlling and constantly judging me as a parent and as a person and interfering and taking over my parenting of my daughter as much as they can--she is the same age as your child. Meanwhile I go to therapy every week to try and undo all the damage that they did to me, and cope with the feelings that come up with them right there. I've never been able to leave home and I am 34 years old. My disability is not enough to live off of (at least not unless I want my daughter to move away from her friends, live an impoverished lifestyle in a terrible and dangerous neighbourhood, and in 5 years we would be out on the street anyway because my income gets cut nearly in half when she is 18).

I too struggle greatly as a result of this, and being constantly re-injured--even if it is not as bad as the past abuse--really makes it hard to heal and develop any sense of self esteem. Even though I know these days that it says more about them than about me, their attitude about me. It's extremely hard and takes a lot of inner strength to do it, deal with this sort of situation every day.

My mother is like yours, she was an abuser, but also a victim. It's really hard to deal with that kind of abuser, because I know she "tried so hard" and "did her best" and she "didn't mean to hurt me". Other than the did her best at the time thing she hasn't said any of those things to me directly but I know her.

For many years I felt guilty for hating her for hurting me because of that. That her "intentions" were good. Supposedly, anyway. My mother is more a martyr than a narcissist. But she does things (if unconsciously) "for" others, and to her, she is self sacrificing but really under it all there is some need of her own that she is meeting with her behaviour.

I struggle with anger at her for her helplessness, denial, and inability to protect me, my brother, and herself. If it was not for my daughter's birth, she would have sat by and done nothing as we all got killed, that is how helpless she became. The craziest thing is they think that they know better how to parent my daughter than I do, and they judge me when they don't agree with my decisions, or try to undermine them, or just try to take control and do things their way. It's a constant battle just to be an adult and make decisions that in reality are mine to make.

Anyway, I just want you to know you are not alone, I know how extremely hard it is.