Hi,
I was scrimmaging around the internet looking for answers to my current episode of panic attacks. I feel like this site may at least help me feel less alone in my struggle.
A brief history: My life started in trauma. My mother was an addict who found escape from her disease through suicide. I was three-years old, and home with her when it happened. I have absolutely no memory until age 6 or so. I was sexually abused most of my child hood after her death, and witnessed my caretaker endure violent abuse. At age 10 or eleven (I think) after my uncle's suicide and a random spat of terrible events during a 2-week period, I had my first weird experience with what I now know to be "panic attacks." By age 13, all of my family was either dead or had resorted to moving to another state...pursuing the dream that moving would make life better. I dove heavily into drugs, which surprisingly relieved my panic attacks for many years. I entered the foster care system, and was adopted at age 17. I pulled my life together a little the last year of high school, graduated, and began looking into a career. My adopted mother abused me that day, and I left with no contact for over 10 years. I gradually made my way back into drugs but this time it was different. It was not fun anymore. I married a man, who became my abuser. To ignore my instincts of leaving, which did not seem possible because I would be all alone, I dove deeper into addiction. My own degrading behaviors intensified my traumatic experiences through this 6 year stretch, until one day I was arrested and set free from that lifestyle. I cleaned up and stayed with my husband to give the marriage a real chance but found two years later he was still not ready to change his lifestyle. After two DEEPLY traumatic events including a car wreck with my 18 month old son because my husband had been up for too many days and fell asleep driving, I had my next onset of attacks. They happened multiple times a day, woke me up in the middle of the night, and progressed for over a year. I finally sought counseling and through a technique called "EMDR" I managed to overcome some of the trauma that lived inside of me. I was panic attack free, medication free, and counseling free until sometime toward the end of June this year (2014).
I was shut down for 4 years after my divorce. All my friendships were detached and superficial no matter how much I wanted to be close. I did not date at all, and would react with a fight-and-flee mentality toward any man who expressed interest in me. My son, who did survive the car accident, was the closest anyone could get, but I could not let him all they way into my heart either. I finally softened, and found a man I thought was amazing. It was so important to me that I not repeat the cycles of my life and the relationships I had been exposed to. I have been with this man for 2 years now.
I noticed signs of emotional abuse and control toward my son almost immediately but wanted to give it a fair chance for all of us to adjust. The issues intensified and my son's behavior deteriorated, which justified the treatment more. Then the victimization started happening to me out of resentment that I was not demanding my son to behave in a way that was comfortable for my partner. About the only thing I know for sure in this life is I cannot control others. About 6 months ago, I got serious about the treatment of my son and was completely prepared to walk away. Things got better on the surface, but I could feel the agitation. Chronic relapses were happening between my son and partner. Additionally, the indirect remarks and manipulation intensified between me and my partner.
Once the panic attacks hit, we had a serious talk about what abuse looks like to me, and what I can and cannot live with. Surprisingly, he completely owned his side...he really is a great person with some demons of his own to fight. Home is SO much better now, and has been for about a month and a half. However, the panic attacks continue to intensify. I am now to the point that I wake up all night with them, have them randomly through the day, while I am driving, in or out of the home, and are lasting 3-5 minutes each. They used to pass within a minute. I can't remember anything from them, or most of my day. All I know is a feeling of deja vu sets in during the attack. I am now spending my days avoiding certain places, like my bedroom, where they happen the most. Additionally, I feel like one can happen any second, the entire day. Like a worm hole is next to me waiting to suck me in. Sometimes I wish I could jump into this hole and get the attack over with, but I cannot induce it myself. I simply wait for it to happen, like a willing victim. My days are hazy, my memory is poor, and I cannot tell the difference between reality and dreams (day or night dreams). Been to the doctor, but with my history I am highly hesitant to take medication. I am in college full-time, work-full time, have my child's sports to attend, plus household responsibilities and adding in counseling intensifies my anxiety. Meditation is taking me into panic attacks. I am even having the attacks while exercising! I do not know what problem to address?! Should I have left? What is fair? These are the battles in my mind.
I am posting all of this because I do not want to be alone in it. My partner does not understand the attacks. He feels powerless, which he is, and is starting to personalize them. My son is scared to ride in the car with me. My life is spiraling out of control in panic, once again. Where do I go from here?
I was scrimmaging around the internet looking for answers to my current episode of panic attacks. I feel like this site may at least help me feel less alone in my struggle.
A brief history: My life started in trauma. My mother was an addict who found escape from her disease through suicide. I was three-years old, and home with her when it happened. I have absolutely no memory until age 6 or so. I was sexually abused most of my child hood after her death, and witnessed my caretaker endure violent abuse. At age 10 or eleven (I think) after my uncle's suicide and a random spat of terrible events during a 2-week period, I had my first weird experience with what I now know to be "panic attacks." By age 13, all of my family was either dead or had resorted to moving to another state...pursuing the dream that moving would make life better. I dove heavily into drugs, which surprisingly relieved my panic attacks for many years. I entered the foster care system, and was adopted at age 17. I pulled my life together a little the last year of high school, graduated, and began looking into a career. My adopted mother abused me that day, and I left with no contact for over 10 years. I gradually made my way back into drugs but this time it was different. It was not fun anymore. I married a man, who became my abuser. To ignore my instincts of leaving, which did not seem possible because I would be all alone, I dove deeper into addiction. My own degrading behaviors intensified my traumatic experiences through this 6 year stretch, until one day I was arrested and set free from that lifestyle. I cleaned up and stayed with my husband to give the marriage a real chance but found two years later he was still not ready to change his lifestyle. After two DEEPLY traumatic events including a car wreck with my 18 month old son because my husband had been up for too many days and fell asleep driving, I had my next onset of attacks. They happened multiple times a day, woke me up in the middle of the night, and progressed for over a year. I finally sought counseling and through a technique called "EMDR" I managed to overcome some of the trauma that lived inside of me. I was panic attack free, medication free, and counseling free until sometime toward the end of June this year (2014).
I was shut down for 4 years after my divorce. All my friendships were detached and superficial no matter how much I wanted to be close. I did not date at all, and would react with a fight-and-flee mentality toward any man who expressed interest in me. My son, who did survive the car accident, was the closest anyone could get, but I could not let him all they way into my heart either. I finally softened, and found a man I thought was amazing. It was so important to me that I not repeat the cycles of my life and the relationships I had been exposed to. I have been with this man for 2 years now.
I noticed signs of emotional abuse and control toward my son almost immediately but wanted to give it a fair chance for all of us to adjust. The issues intensified and my son's behavior deteriorated, which justified the treatment more. Then the victimization started happening to me out of resentment that I was not demanding my son to behave in a way that was comfortable for my partner. About the only thing I know for sure in this life is I cannot control others. About 6 months ago, I got serious about the treatment of my son and was completely prepared to walk away. Things got better on the surface, but I could feel the agitation. Chronic relapses were happening between my son and partner. Additionally, the indirect remarks and manipulation intensified between me and my partner.
Once the panic attacks hit, we had a serious talk about what abuse looks like to me, and what I can and cannot live with. Surprisingly, he completely owned his side...he really is a great person with some demons of his own to fight. Home is SO much better now, and has been for about a month and a half. However, the panic attacks continue to intensify. I am now to the point that I wake up all night with them, have them randomly through the day, while I am driving, in or out of the home, and are lasting 3-5 minutes each. They used to pass within a minute. I can't remember anything from them, or most of my day. All I know is a feeling of deja vu sets in during the attack. I am now spending my days avoiding certain places, like my bedroom, where they happen the most. Additionally, I feel like one can happen any second, the entire day. Like a worm hole is next to me waiting to suck me in. Sometimes I wish I could jump into this hole and get the attack over with, but I cannot induce it myself. I simply wait for it to happen, like a willing victim. My days are hazy, my memory is poor, and I cannot tell the difference between reality and dreams (day or night dreams). Been to the doctor, but with my history I am highly hesitant to take medication. I am in college full-time, work-full time, have my child's sports to attend, plus household responsibilities and adding in counseling intensifies my anxiety. Meditation is taking me into panic attacks. I am even having the attacks while exercising! I do not know what problem to address?! Should I have left? What is fair? These are the battles in my mind.
I am posting all of this because I do not want to be alone in it. My partner does not understand the attacks. He feels powerless, which he is, and is starting to personalize them. My son is scared to ride in the car with me. My life is spiraling out of control in panic, once again. Where do I go from here?
