GrapplingGrief
Bronze Member
Hi everyone,
I've been reading the forums quite a bit a over the past couple of months and I decided to share my story in the hopes it might help others make sense of what's happening before it's too late, and it was initially hard to find stories that were similar to mine (but I've been able to infer from different details the common patterns now after better informing myself). It will be a little longwinded so I apologize in advance.
I was 34 at the time and recently went through a bad break up. I joined a new gym and after about three months I was still getting used to being alone again. Seemingly out of the blue, a young woman and I started talking casually and I noticed that after a while she wasn't wearing what I thought was an engagement ring. Not looking to rush into anything, I didn't even think to ask her out but then one day she slipped me her phone number and we started talking. She was lovely, sweet, and beautiful but happened to be only 21. I was hesitant to start a relationship with someone that much younger than me but she struck me as mature, and after a while I realized we both had strong feelings for one another and that she was an adult and the choice was hers if she wanted to be with someone older.
I never met someone so loving to me. I think it made me overlook a lot of the "red flags." I quickly learned that her life had been very difficult. She was on her own since she was 16, which explained her maturity in a lot of ways, but it became clear that it was through some very hard lessons. She was in fact separated (and after a year would be allowed to legally divorce) and described her past relationship as emotionally and sexually abusive. She had separated in March but was sleeping on the couch until her exit in May right after our first date. I didn't know what to think. Sometimes I still don't know. All I knew was that she was the sweetest person to me and I wanted nothing but to treat her the best I could. So I did and our relationship was amazing for the first four months. We were tired of travelling to her parents, then to her sisters, and decided to get a place together so we could live out what we thought would be our amazing lives together.
But cracks started to appear here and there. Through her social media, which she was obsessed with, I learned about her past eating disorders, which we never talked about because I figured she ate with me and everything seemed to be in the past (and it was in the past). She eventually talked to me about having Dissociative Disorder and explained it as having memory issues and that she might feel disconnected from her body at times. I was slightly worried about this but again she seemed fine and it appeared to be behind her; in fact, she would always say things like she only wanted to talk about our SHARED disappointments and not the past because it didn't matter anymore and she worried if I was over my past relationship issues, which I was quickly learning to be each day with this wonderful woman. So I never pushed to really "know" anything because I believed that it was in her past.
But when we moved in together, I noticed everything started to change. She denied it but I knew something was off. She just started a new job that had her working 6 days a week with long hours so I knew she was tired and struggling to adjust but it was more than that. She wouldn't help out or provide input into domestic concerns; she wouldn't even take care of her dogs let alone herself. Every day was a struggle for me. I ended up shouldering about 90% of the burden of cooking, shopping, cleaning, dog walking/feeding, laundry, etc. on top of her insistence on needing to train in the sport I introduced her to. I was driving all over the place and rushing from work to make sure everyone was happy and healthy (at a cost to myself, which I'm trying to better address now as I became quite codependent). The first time I asked for more help it led to a huge fight and I just couldn't understand where her venom was coming from. And it became cyclical. Nearly every week there would be a spat over me simply needing more assistance. Sometimes she would apologize and stress how much she was trying; other times I would lose my patience a bit. Mostly it was numbness and detachment on her part. I just didn't get it. I provided her with every comfort, care for the dogs who I loved, and I was being met with this completely (what I thought was) irrational coldness. Things would get better, then they would regress. The intimacy we once had completely vanished. It wasn't even the sex that I missed; it was the woman who used to stare into my eyes and cuddle with me, talking all night. She was suddenly gone the minute we walked into our place, and I was at a loss. So I tried harder and harder to make her life easier, and it made things worse.
She finally broke down over the holidays and told me she had PTSD. I was sent a webMD article which was this sterile generic info package I couldn't connect with. There was a lengthy emotional email which again stated generically things like "emotional and sexual abuse," how she's felt like a screw up her entire life (she often told me she didn't deserve me and that she was afraid of doing something impulsive to mess it up even during the good times), how she didn't know if I wanted to put up with this long term, and that she wanted to go back on medication in the new year for her depression and anxiety. This all hit me out of the blue. I didn't know how to react other than saying I loved her and that I knew she was trying and that we would be okay. And I did what i knew how to do which was take care of us. By this stage, I was doing everything for our little family.
One night, she broke down and told me about being child molested and then raped as a teenager. I mostly lay there in silence trying to comfort her. I didn't know what to say. In the aftermath, I continued to try and stay strong for us. I guess I thought it was old trauma and that this would pass eventually. Looking back, I wish she had sent me to these forums. I knew nothing about numbness, triggers, or the cup analogy. It was the holiday season so I tried my best to take her to see her family. I drove all over like a mad man. I'm only human. I wanted some time for us but it was never there. She would be numb and distant at home but then I'd see the old her being happy, charismatic, and fun with strangers. She pulled away from me. Sometimes my touch caused her to tremble; other times she wanted to be held. Nothing added up. She wouldn't help me manage house but then still have time to post provocative pictures on Instagram. She accused me of being potentially abusive with her, which I would never do. We got in a fight on New Years Eve after i was fed up with her being so miserable (seemingly with me). I spent it alone and she didn't come home for two days. She took the dogs and I eventually begged her back. I knew things were shaky and wanted to spend her only day off together. My sister just had a miscarriage and I was upset. That night she insisted on going out with relative strangers she met at the gym instead of comforting me. She insisted she would be back early and didn't come home til 230 am. We had our last fight. She told me we couldn't live together anymore.
The plan was to still date. I was heartbroken. Her brother moved in. I left all the things I bought for us, packed the essentials and quickly gave her the space she wanted. During the transition, she told me she loved me and asked if I would wait for her to which I said of course. I love/d her so much. I would see glimpses of her before I left. Then came the silent treatment. She wanted a week of no contact. After three days I was going nuts. I missed the dogs. I missed my family. I would talk to her sister to try and calm down and give her the space she wanted but then her sister dropped the bomb saying that she thought we broke up. I was then text dumped by her saying that she knows this is confusing but she can't be in a relationship with me right now. There was then a shitty phone conversation where I was accused of being unloving and mean to her, cold, etc. I broke down. I tried so hard and I didn't deserve this portrayal as another source of abuse in her life.
I crashed hard. I had panic attacks for the first time in my life. At first, I did more research into PTSD and then read the stories of rape survivors. This caused plenty of tears. I had tried to be strong for us because I thought that was more helpful but now I was a mess. I think I finally started to understand the sequence of her disorders around this stage. It was Rape Trauma Syndrome that lead to the PTSD and Dissociative Disorder, and the eating disorders and obsession with being strong were attempts at gaining back control. But this understanding got replaced as her post breakup behaviour proved so callous and mean. I started seeing her behaviours as narcissistic. I thought maybe her "protective" identity was this heartless person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Her IG account and her "moving on" attitude made me feel like I had been used, played, and discarded. I was owed like $2000+ in back rent, and didn't gut the place even though I had paid for pretty much everything because I felt bad for her. And this was the thanks I get?! Then the thought creeped into my mind that maybe she had been cheating on me. She once told me out of the blue that it would've been easier to do it with a stranger than with me at the time. She even said her ex accused her of cheating on him but it wasn't true. Narcissists lie all the time right? It was a diagnosis that made ME feel better. So I not so nicely questioned her in an email. Boy was i wrong.
She had been raped multiple times by her soon to be ex husband. He even tried to sell her services on craigslist and posted pictures of her to fuel his cuckold fantasies. Only then did I see the timeline. She was with him from the age of 17. He was in his late 20s from what I gather. She had been suffering in silence under the same roof and even married this f*cking monster. My sweet girlfriend had just escaped this scenario and I honestly don't know how much abuse went on even after they "separated" or before our first date. This whole time sleeping next to me was someone with such a horrific past and I had no idea. I was f*cked. I had to talk to a therapist to get reassurance that this wasn't my fault. I had to address my codependency issues (still a work in progress). I was a mess at work and in my own day to day living. And I had to still grieve the loss of my partner.
It has and continues to be one of the most life altering experiences. She eventually had a talk with me face to face where I was finally able to get closure and just bawl my eyes out. Needless to say I've apologized profusely for things both real and imaginary I assume. I wiped the debt she owed me and I try to help her out as much as she will let me. These forums have been invaluable to my sanity. And yes I offered to help her pay for therapy go to couples therapy in the past, etc. I love her very very much. I'm still struggling with the fact that her telling me when she wasn't ready has sent her into this tailspin. I don't think I ever asked to know any details but it was one of those things where I guess she felt pressure to and three months later she is still triggered. This causes me intermittent depression and anxiety. From my own therapy I know that I need to create better boundaries where her words and actions don't reflect me. But im again only human. I can't even imagine how other supporters have done this for YEARS. The silent treatment and gaslighting (which are so similar to NPD and makes me wonder about comorbidity) are so hard to deal with. It really affects your own self esteem.
If anyone reads this, I hope it sheds light on how confusing and destructive everything can be despite your best intentions and all the love in your heart. I would never have given up on her. Even though she told me that it wasn't fair for her to have asked me to wait, a part of me always will be waiting. Contrary to what many PTSD sufferers feel (and the friends of supporters who can't possibly understand), I do believe I am better off with her and she is with me. She deserves the best informed love I can give and I deserve the version of my partner when she feels safe and free because she was the best partner i've ever had. I miss her. And I'll continue to be here for her in whatever capacity I can. Thank you for reading.
I've been reading the forums quite a bit a over the past couple of months and I decided to share my story in the hopes it might help others make sense of what's happening before it's too late, and it was initially hard to find stories that were similar to mine (but I've been able to infer from different details the common patterns now after better informing myself). It will be a little longwinded so I apologize in advance.
I was 34 at the time and recently went through a bad break up. I joined a new gym and after about three months I was still getting used to being alone again. Seemingly out of the blue, a young woman and I started talking casually and I noticed that after a while she wasn't wearing what I thought was an engagement ring. Not looking to rush into anything, I didn't even think to ask her out but then one day she slipped me her phone number and we started talking. She was lovely, sweet, and beautiful but happened to be only 21. I was hesitant to start a relationship with someone that much younger than me but she struck me as mature, and after a while I realized we both had strong feelings for one another and that she was an adult and the choice was hers if she wanted to be with someone older.
I never met someone so loving to me. I think it made me overlook a lot of the "red flags." I quickly learned that her life had been very difficult. She was on her own since she was 16, which explained her maturity in a lot of ways, but it became clear that it was through some very hard lessons. She was in fact separated (and after a year would be allowed to legally divorce) and described her past relationship as emotionally and sexually abusive. She had separated in March but was sleeping on the couch until her exit in May right after our first date. I didn't know what to think. Sometimes I still don't know. All I knew was that she was the sweetest person to me and I wanted nothing but to treat her the best I could. So I did and our relationship was amazing for the first four months. We were tired of travelling to her parents, then to her sisters, and decided to get a place together so we could live out what we thought would be our amazing lives together.
But cracks started to appear here and there. Through her social media, which she was obsessed with, I learned about her past eating disorders, which we never talked about because I figured she ate with me and everything seemed to be in the past (and it was in the past). She eventually talked to me about having Dissociative Disorder and explained it as having memory issues and that she might feel disconnected from her body at times. I was slightly worried about this but again she seemed fine and it appeared to be behind her; in fact, she would always say things like she only wanted to talk about our SHARED disappointments and not the past because it didn't matter anymore and she worried if I was over my past relationship issues, which I was quickly learning to be each day with this wonderful woman. So I never pushed to really "know" anything because I believed that it was in her past.
But when we moved in together, I noticed everything started to change. She denied it but I knew something was off. She just started a new job that had her working 6 days a week with long hours so I knew she was tired and struggling to adjust but it was more than that. She wouldn't help out or provide input into domestic concerns; she wouldn't even take care of her dogs let alone herself. Every day was a struggle for me. I ended up shouldering about 90% of the burden of cooking, shopping, cleaning, dog walking/feeding, laundry, etc. on top of her insistence on needing to train in the sport I introduced her to. I was driving all over the place and rushing from work to make sure everyone was happy and healthy (at a cost to myself, which I'm trying to better address now as I became quite codependent). The first time I asked for more help it led to a huge fight and I just couldn't understand where her venom was coming from. And it became cyclical. Nearly every week there would be a spat over me simply needing more assistance. Sometimes she would apologize and stress how much she was trying; other times I would lose my patience a bit. Mostly it was numbness and detachment on her part. I just didn't get it. I provided her with every comfort, care for the dogs who I loved, and I was being met with this completely (what I thought was) irrational coldness. Things would get better, then they would regress. The intimacy we once had completely vanished. It wasn't even the sex that I missed; it was the woman who used to stare into my eyes and cuddle with me, talking all night. She was suddenly gone the minute we walked into our place, and I was at a loss. So I tried harder and harder to make her life easier, and it made things worse.
She finally broke down over the holidays and told me she had PTSD. I was sent a webMD article which was this sterile generic info package I couldn't connect with. There was a lengthy emotional email which again stated generically things like "emotional and sexual abuse," how she's felt like a screw up her entire life (she often told me she didn't deserve me and that she was afraid of doing something impulsive to mess it up even during the good times), how she didn't know if I wanted to put up with this long term, and that she wanted to go back on medication in the new year for her depression and anxiety. This all hit me out of the blue. I didn't know how to react other than saying I loved her and that I knew she was trying and that we would be okay. And I did what i knew how to do which was take care of us. By this stage, I was doing everything for our little family.
One night, she broke down and told me about being child molested and then raped as a teenager. I mostly lay there in silence trying to comfort her. I didn't know what to say. In the aftermath, I continued to try and stay strong for us. I guess I thought it was old trauma and that this would pass eventually. Looking back, I wish she had sent me to these forums. I knew nothing about numbness, triggers, or the cup analogy. It was the holiday season so I tried my best to take her to see her family. I drove all over like a mad man. I'm only human. I wanted some time for us but it was never there. She would be numb and distant at home but then I'd see the old her being happy, charismatic, and fun with strangers. She pulled away from me. Sometimes my touch caused her to tremble; other times she wanted to be held. Nothing added up. She wouldn't help me manage house but then still have time to post provocative pictures on Instagram. She accused me of being potentially abusive with her, which I would never do. We got in a fight on New Years Eve after i was fed up with her being so miserable (seemingly with me). I spent it alone and she didn't come home for two days. She took the dogs and I eventually begged her back. I knew things were shaky and wanted to spend her only day off together. My sister just had a miscarriage and I was upset. That night she insisted on going out with relative strangers she met at the gym instead of comforting me. She insisted she would be back early and didn't come home til 230 am. We had our last fight. She told me we couldn't live together anymore.
The plan was to still date. I was heartbroken. Her brother moved in. I left all the things I bought for us, packed the essentials and quickly gave her the space she wanted. During the transition, she told me she loved me and asked if I would wait for her to which I said of course. I love/d her so much. I would see glimpses of her before I left. Then came the silent treatment. She wanted a week of no contact. After three days I was going nuts. I missed the dogs. I missed my family. I would talk to her sister to try and calm down and give her the space she wanted but then her sister dropped the bomb saying that she thought we broke up. I was then text dumped by her saying that she knows this is confusing but she can't be in a relationship with me right now. There was then a shitty phone conversation where I was accused of being unloving and mean to her, cold, etc. I broke down. I tried so hard and I didn't deserve this portrayal as another source of abuse in her life.
I crashed hard. I had panic attacks for the first time in my life. At first, I did more research into PTSD and then read the stories of rape survivors. This caused plenty of tears. I had tried to be strong for us because I thought that was more helpful but now I was a mess. I think I finally started to understand the sequence of her disorders around this stage. It was Rape Trauma Syndrome that lead to the PTSD and Dissociative Disorder, and the eating disorders and obsession with being strong were attempts at gaining back control. But this understanding got replaced as her post breakup behaviour proved so callous and mean. I started seeing her behaviours as narcissistic. I thought maybe her "protective" identity was this heartless person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Her IG account and her "moving on" attitude made me feel like I had been used, played, and discarded. I was owed like $2000+ in back rent, and didn't gut the place even though I had paid for pretty much everything because I felt bad for her. And this was the thanks I get?! Then the thought creeped into my mind that maybe she had been cheating on me. She once told me out of the blue that it would've been easier to do it with a stranger than with me at the time. She even said her ex accused her of cheating on him but it wasn't true. Narcissists lie all the time right? It was a diagnosis that made ME feel better. So I not so nicely questioned her in an email. Boy was i wrong.
She had been raped multiple times by her soon to be ex husband. He even tried to sell her services on craigslist and posted pictures of her to fuel his cuckold fantasies. Only then did I see the timeline. She was with him from the age of 17. He was in his late 20s from what I gather. She had been suffering in silence under the same roof and even married this f*cking monster. My sweet girlfriend had just escaped this scenario and I honestly don't know how much abuse went on even after they "separated" or before our first date. This whole time sleeping next to me was someone with such a horrific past and I had no idea. I was f*cked. I had to talk to a therapist to get reassurance that this wasn't my fault. I had to address my codependency issues (still a work in progress). I was a mess at work and in my own day to day living. And I had to still grieve the loss of my partner.
It has and continues to be one of the most life altering experiences. She eventually had a talk with me face to face where I was finally able to get closure and just bawl my eyes out. Needless to say I've apologized profusely for things both real and imaginary I assume. I wiped the debt she owed me and I try to help her out as much as she will let me. These forums have been invaluable to my sanity. And yes I offered to help her pay for therapy go to couples therapy in the past, etc. I love her very very much. I'm still struggling with the fact that her telling me when she wasn't ready has sent her into this tailspin. I don't think I ever asked to know any details but it was one of those things where I guess she felt pressure to and three months later she is still triggered. This causes me intermittent depression and anxiety. From my own therapy I know that I need to create better boundaries where her words and actions don't reflect me. But im again only human. I can't even imagine how other supporters have done this for YEARS. The silent treatment and gaslighting (which are so similar to NPD and makes me wonder about comorbidity) are so hard to deal with. It really affects your own self esteem.
If anyone reads this, I hope it sheds light on how confusing and destructive everything can be despite your best intentions and all the love in your heart. I would never have given up on her. Even though she told me that it wasn't fair for her to have asked me to wait, a part of me always will be waiting. Contrary to what many PTSD sufferers feel (and the friends of supporters who can't possibly understand), I do believe I am better off with her and she is with me. She deserves the best informed love I can give and I deserve the version of my partner when she feels safe and free because she was the best partner i've ever had. I miss her. And I'll continue to be here for her in whatever capacity I can. Thank you for reading.
