Supporter Living With Ptsd Partner (child Abuse Survivor)

[Tinyflame]

Unfortunately Nicolas that is quite typical.

After a lifetime I say, don't wait for him to see it another way or take responsibility, I am guessing she finds his negative words now still cause bad wounding. :(

Celebrate (soon!) your new baby, your new life, and concentrate on your positives together. It takes something like 1000 positive comments to counteract 1 negative. Better she can trust you, or that you are opposite to her experiences with her brother.

 

[nicolas]

It's just not right. It's not just and he needs to be punished.

 

[nicolas]

It might even angry me more that he's now playing the victim role. At least when he was "angry" it made sense because we knew he was just scared. This is just insane.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's part of why 'we' feel like we have no voice.

You give her a voice by believing her, being there, not validating what he says. It's enough.

 

[Eleanor]

Nicolas, I so get your anger and dismay and confusion and... well the whole ugly ball of gunk. And here is the horrible awful truth as I know it:

Unless and until he does something criminal there is nothing you can or should (or that would be remotely helpful) do about/for/with him.

My two cents, and it may or may not be worth that: You can keep him away from her. Do your best to create a bubble around him and leave him totally and completely out of your lives. Vent away here to get through the feelings as quickly as possible - and then just let it be. Imagine the whole situation smelling of rotten eggs/carrion - (this helps me not dwell on things - I'm repelled by the smell, so I just don't go there.:D)

I know how it feels to want to "put the world right." To punish wrong-doers. To be the hand of justice. And... be grateful it is not your job. Turn down that job if someone offers it to you. You have bigger fish to fry. Or maybe a littler one;). In so far as you can, don't waste an instant of your precious time with your wife and baby by paying attention to that lout. He is his own problem. Rest assured that he is eating HIMSELF alive with all his drama. Just Don't Play.

You have no power over him. Don't take any of the responsibility for him or what he does. Should he do something criminal - matter of factly call the police and turn him in. With no more emotion than you would (maybe less) reporting a stray goat on the road. It's nothing to do with you or your family personally. You should show the same respect for his personal dignity as you would for any sentient being - but you owe him nothing more. In fact, slightly less as he is dangerous. (You wouldn't go out and try to round up a bull that got loose by yourself would you?)

As much as she will let you, keep your wife insulated from those people. She is so wise and fortunate to have you to take care of her!

 

[nicolas]

That's what we've been doing all along but time and time again her mother feels the need to tell us what her brother thinks of the situation, even though we keep telling her to keep her mouth shut. Then she says she just wants everything to be alright again and that she cries every night (nice guilt trip there). Should we ignore her as well? It's the only other family member she has left (besides aunts & uncles but they don't know anything of course).

 

[Tinyflame]

I am sad to say, if they won't believe her, or try to blame her for the abuse- or simply are causing her to go 10 steps backward for every 1 forward- "yes". At least for now.

I hope you or she can find neutral middle ground to discuss or enjoy other things with her mother.
Perhaps a boundary can be discussed as to what she will accept as per conversation etc, before the baby is born.

 

[nicolas]

She told her mum a hundred times to stop talking about her brother. Her mother is just very stubborn and keeps minimalizing or even forgetting everything that happened. It's easier for her to just stick her head in the ground and pretend everything is OK. Easy for her to do when she's not the one who's traumatised. I think it's very selfish of her to act like this. She says she wants everybody to get along but she does it out of selfish reasons i.e. she wants a happy family for herself. She never ever told her brother that what he did was wrong.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nicolas, she may think it's her 'job' to reconcile the family.

Nonetheless, something that is basically a fact of life but also very common with ptsd, is that you can't control other peoples' thoughts about what has occurred, or judgments, or beliefs.

But , if helps a lot (I have found, 'more'), to concentrate on the positives, the supportive relationships, stick with who is kind, limit exposure to what or who re-wounds, etc.

I am sorry, must run, hope this makes sense, just concentrate on your support and make things happy. The expenditure of energy elsewhere can become like hitting your head against a brick wall.

Thank God for her sake you are different.

 

[Eleanor]

If she has told her not to bring up her brother - and her mom continues to do so, what is the consequence for her mother of having brought it up? Do you guys walk away as soon as the brother is mentioned? You could not speak to her for a week, or a day or whatever. But you two will have to impose some kind of sanction on her mother that makes it worthwhile for HER to respect the boundary. If, on reflection, you guys want contact with her at all which you might not. If she won't respect your boundaries, she probably needs to not be in your lives.:( Particularly with a child coming along... You can't ever ever leave your baby with her, right? So so sad.

 

[nicolas]

She means well, she's just too stubborn or plain stupid to realise the damage she's doing. She's very old fashioned and is convinced that these things are better left unsaid and everybody should just pretend that all is fine.
I told my gf again to ignore her mother for a while and yesterday and today she didn't pick up her phone which drove her mother mad. In the end she answered and calmly told her mom that she wants nothing to do with her anymore and to leave us alone. So now they're both very sad but I believe this is for the best. Her mom needs a wakeup call. As for her brother, he needs an ass whooping more than anybody ever has.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear nicolas, I hear your anger and frustration.

There is a reason traumas and/ or abuse don't get revealed or mentioned, it's not coincidental, this kind of response being one.
You can't help someone else's denial or perspective. But the main thing is, she HAS revealed it, just carry on with healing and forging new and healthy happiness. Don't let your (justifiable) anger or their beliefs and expectations get in the way of just concentrating on her getting better.