Supporter Living With Ptsd Partner (child Abuse Survivor)

[Tinyflame]

Idk Nicolas, I take it back- get angry all you need to. For one thing it's your feelings, you are entitled. In another way it probably helps your gf, after all, abuse occurs for precisely the opposite reason, it's hidden, threats, it's the person's 'fault' (they're told), and 'anger' in response is generally not the 1st emotion a sufferer faces, it helps to know or 'see' or 'hear' someone else get angry about it. At least until (as now) she tells you to stop, (otherwise your behaviour may start to not remind her of her dad but start to remind her of her brother, even though your 'reason' is justifiable).

I heard today as regards abuse in general, though I realize not the same thing, that the person (as an adult) often overestimates their ability to handle it, because they don't realize the cumulative damage.

I agree with gizmo, get as far away as possible from crazy-making behaviour. You can do kind gestures, or she can if she wants, but you/ she can refuse to accept the invitation to any more crazy conversations or events.

 

[Eleanor]

Yikes, nicolas - that adds several layers to the thing. Given his high profile and the coming baby, and people's tendency to believe him - you guys really ought to file for a restraining order against him. You need to be on the record as being threatened by him with the authorities.

And I agree with Junebug, that it is good to "model appropriate responses." I think it has helped my H when I express anger/dismay at things his parents did. And when I say specifically what I think would have been acceptable things to him or them to have done in the situation(s.) It is really hard for adults who were abused as children to learn to take proper care of themselves as adults.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would 'like' your post 1000 times if I could Eleanor, thank you, exactly.

 

[nicolas]

Yeah I'm baffled sometimes as to the things I have to explain to my gf which are not morally acceptable. Her moral compass is all out of whack. While at the same time she has a very high EQ and sense of injustice. Just not when it applies to herself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Self-blame. :(

 

[nicolas]

Obviously.

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, just mean that's why you shouldn't be baffled.

 

[nicolas]

I know, no need to apologize

 

[nicolas]

Little update: our daughter was born on May 16 and she's a healthy and VERY hungry baby! Of course her brother didn't swing by or anything, neither did any of his friends but what else is new. We're so preoccupied by this little crying/sleeping/burping/farting bundle of joy right now. Of course her mother still had to mention him a couple of times because she's a retard, causing a few more anxiety attacks in my girlfriend. Oh another little gem that she didn't tell me last year when he went berserk: he threatened to "destroy" (quote) her if she told anybody what happened... I am not kidding. Thank god for babies to neutralize anger!

 

[Eleanor]

Congratulations nicolas! What happy news. Best wishes to mom and baby and YOU of course.:inlove:

 

[nicolas]

Hey time for more ranting.

This weekend her brother got married and of course we weren't invited because he's a cowardly little egomaniac shithead, but some people that still interact with us have told us that the gossipping in his circle of loser friends has totally gotten out of hand. And you guessed it, it caused more anxiety attacks and seizures in my girlfriend. Not nice when you have an 8-week old daughter.

Also we moved house and his best (and my ex) friend lives two streets down from us. So last week I saw both of them walking down the street and the feelings of rage that overcame me were so intense that I broke down crying in my car and had to call up a longtime friend to call me down (and not run that f#cker over) and I ended up telling him everything.

Our plan is now to inform all of our close friends of the situation so they can better relate to my girlfriend because they've always thought of her as a little bit freaky and kooky but in a funny way, but now they all sense that something is very wrong with her brother and they don't know how to react to it since they don't know the whole story.

I believe that sharing this burden with our friends is the right thing to do right now or I swear to god I am going to storm into that bar of his and leave a path of destruction in my wake. This really is too much to bare for the two of us.

I've also began to have anxiety attacks at night which is something I never had before. Her brother's hate campaign is also spreading further out to the point that now people who don't even know my gf personally, resent her based on BS lies.

I am a strong believer in karma and I KNOW he will get his punishment one day (let's hope sooner than later) but right now we need all the help we can get because it is destroying us in every way possible.

 

[Eleanor]

Hang in there nicolas - I think you are right to let people know what is going on, and what happened. AND there is likely to be a lot of "fall out" that you guys should be prepared for. But it is MUCH easier to stand your ground, when you are actually standing your ground and telling the truth and not trying to cover for someone else.

Do you have a plan B, in case things get bad enough you need to move? This town, as they say, might not be big enough for your girlfriend and her brother? Not encouraging in any direction here - just trying to help you cover the all the bases... When you go to war, or any more moderate version of battle, it is always prudent to have the strategic retreat option planned out ahead of time.

I'm so sorry this is taking such a toll on you and your gf. You guys have enough on your plates without all this drama. :( Sending you peace and balance...