Living With Someone Who Is A Trigger

[EME]

Hello,
I have PTSD from multiple violent encounters, and have been through many years of therapy to learn coping methods for my symptoms. My anxiety has greatly improved. However, I have lived with my boyfriend for the last five years, and two years ago I witnessed his adult son attack him, and since then, his son has been a trigger. At Christmas last year, he moved this son into the house we share, and it is physically, emotionally and mentally affecting me. I trigger if I even hear his voice in the house. I told my boyfriend when this first started that I cannot live with his son in the house, but he has not taken this to heart. He tells me I need to learn how to handle stress better and deal with it. I just can't do it. I hate to leave the house, but recently I was even hospitalized for chest pains and ulcers, luckily the chest pains were not a cardiac event. I feel like I have to move to protect my health now Does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance for your input.

 

[Whirlwind]

He tells me I need to learn how to handle stress better and deal with it. I just can't do it. I hate to leave the house, but recently I was even hospitalized for chest pains and ulcers

I would take a hard look at anyone who tells you to just "deal" with it. Is living with the son temporary or permanent? I take it the house is your bf's?

Last year I had to cut some people out of my life permanently after they displayed unexpected hostility/aggressive behavior. I didn't want to do this but my reaction to their behavior made me realize this is very serious for me, I simply cannot have it in my life without jeapordizing my health in the process.

Good luck, Whirlwind

 

[Erin Michelle]

Whirlwind,
Yes, the house is his, and the stay with his son, I guess it is permanent, because there is no established time frame for his departure, nor any expectations from the BF for his son to accomplish.
I am taking a hard look at this, I've never been in this situation before.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I have not previously said this within the short time that I have been a member, however, building strategies for handling stress within PTSD are abundant within this site. I do not feel there is a black or white answer to this concern but a series of steps in which your focus 'might' choose a journey within strategy building for self regulation, understanding your need sets and hanging out with those who will try to support you in your self discovery or journey.

Then I believe (albeit I am wrong at times) that your decisions will seem clearer. :hug: Hugs just because...if you accept hugs


OH! *embarrassed* My bad...welcome to the site!:tup:

 

[Erin Michelle]

All hugs are healing and welcomed :) thank you.

 

[Friday]

Catch22 ... Any POS who would choose their girlfriend over their child isn't someone you want to be dating, anyway. When you date a parent? Their child comes first. Always. That just how the priorities shuffle out. That bond? It doesn't break when they turn 18. Or 40. From birth until death your children own your heart. Everyone else is secondary. Even yourself. Much less your lovers, parents, friends, brothers. People often go to extraordinary lengths to keep both in their lives... But if/when push comes to shove? Well. We all made the decision to walk out into traffic for our children a long time ago. Living with a broken heart as we choose our child over our best friend, lover, parent, career, etc.? Is a sacrifice parents make for their kids all the time. We don't like doing it, that's why it's called a sacrifice, but we will. We'd die for our kids. Kill for them. Live for them. A broken heart? Not even in the same ballpark.

So if you want to keep this man? Don't put him in a position of having to choose between you & his son.

 

[Erin Michelle]

Good point, and previously realized, thank you.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Although, I have gone through hades and high water for my children, I did not allow them to attack me physically nor did I raise them thinking that is acceptable.

So Erin's journey (to me) is not that clear cut of son verses significant other -ect and stuffing it. Appraisal of the circumstances might be easier after some reflection of how the blended family is progressing, the journey of self regulation, the actual safety versus the triggered reaction, and some healthy boundaries established. DV is not a conditional concept based on bloodlines and might be researched to ensure contingency plans for emergency exit.

Communication may take time to allow a opened and agreeable atmosphere for harmony as well. :hug: Yet, discovery of self does often change the playing field and communication styles.:)

 

[Friday]

Although, I have gone through hades and high water for my children, I did not allow them to attack me physically nor did I raise them thinking that is acceptable.

Neither did I... But 6 mo after his father had custody? My son became an abused kid. And, yep, he's attacked me in most ways possible over the past 2 years. Doesn't mean I stopped loving him. And it actually means I have to pour in a whole helluva lot more time into him, rather than less. It's not like "Well, you're no longer a 'good' kid, who's fun to be around... So f*ck off." You don't just kick the damaged kids to the curb like garbage.

I agree.. It's not a clear cut kid v sigOther. Dad trying to help a damaged kid, and making his priorities very clear in that intent, kicks it up several levels.

 

[Erin Michelle]

Thank you for that input, Recover. I do understand what you are saying, and I understand the child/parent bond, as I have two of my own, ages 21 & 25. Neither of my children would ever attack me, both are prone to protecting me. BF's son is bipolar, unmedicated, not seeking healthcare, and has a firy temper and has been known to attack either of his parents multie times in the past. He is better when medicated, apparently. I am not asking BF to choose him or me, I do, I guess, want him to understand that living with a trigger isn't something I can do. I know he feels obligated to help his son, I don't blame him for that at all. I don't understand -how- living here with bo expectations is helping him tho.

 

[Erin Michelle]

I guess maybe I've been misunderstood. I'm not looking for someone to say ,"kick him out" I'm looking for -how- do I deal with this?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Excellent viewpoints @FridayJones as well as @Erin Michelle! BTW Friday (hugs).

There are several bi-polar members here and in time, I am sure they will respond. I also have a bi-polar sister but she is on meds. I understood you Erin.

That is why I am talking safety plan for exit and some boundary exploration for a conference down the road depending on the age of the son and if he is an adult or juvenile. Depending on the state...there are other options still that are kind and protective for each party. Peace with your journey, see you around the board. :hug: