Lonely

[Seagreen]

I just realised how incredibly lonely I am. I have friends, family and children at home. There are people in my life surrounding me all the time but at the end of the day they live in a different world. I feel like I am looking out of a glass window at the world. I've always felt this way for as long as I could remember.

I've always been very independent even as a small child. For a long time I wanted to push people away. But now I actually feel like I really need someone to hold me close and tell me it will be ok. I'm looking at all of the people in my life, trying to find someone who could fulfil this. Even if I were to find someone who is willing, I don think it would be convincing. I am looking to satisfy this feeling somewhere else but where do I look?

My Mother had a boyfriend for a number of years who 'gets it'. We never talk about our pasts but there is just a knowing between us. He is an ex heroin addict and has been clean for two decades. We could talk about the world in a way that most people don't seem to understand or notice. He is no longer around and even when he was he was not open to emotions or sentiment.

There is no one else that I feel close to or that understands.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sending you a hug if you want one @Seagreen. I for one understand. It's really common for those of us who have suffered what those around us can't imagine. It is lonely. Probably most of us here feel that. I'm sorry your mother's boyfriend isn't around for you anymore.

It's a telling statement though, that you don't think it would be convincing if someone tried to give that to you. If I'm reading this right, what you are describing is very typical for those of us with early trauma: the longing for connection, but inability to receive it when offered. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I strongly recommend Laurence Heller's "Healing Developmental Trauma" for an explanation of why that is and how to heal it (of course there's the problem of finding a therapist trained in his methods). I'm not getting a commission for all the times I recommend that book, honest!

 

[Intrepid]

Just want to say that I've been there. I'm not there now, thank god. I used to pray to have God put His arms around me and hold me and let me know it will all be okay. I would then forget all the bad stuff for a few days and feel pretty good. The bad stuff would always come back, but the short relief was life saving.

I suppose that there is some secular explanation as to why prayer those prayers worked.

I get hugs now all of the time, indirect ones, on this forum. I find so much understanding here, even when I expect to be totally dismissed.

I can handle a few hugs now. It used to be that I pushed them away, for a wide variety of reasons. The biggest is that at one point in my life having someone care (or caring about someone else) was awful.

So, @Seagreen, I too am sending a hug your way.

 

[Philippa]

I can really relate to this right now. I realised this morning that I felt the same, so it's interesting timing to be reading this now. It's a shame your mothers boyfriend wasn't able to connect on an emotional level with you...that would have been helpful I think. I also don't feel like I have anyone who can fulfill this deep need to be held and told it's going to be ok, but I have experienced during a meditation, going into the earth and feeling held by her as my Mother...which was really awesome and helpful. Not sure if this would help you?

 

[Hope4Now]

I could have written your post @Seagreen.
I'm at wits' end sometimes...have tried holding myself (constant fail), imagining some deity or other holding me (only works when I am a child part but still isn't very satisfying and makes me think I should kill myself to get it), imagining earth or a tree holding me (that sometimes helps). I think the idea is that our therapist's "hold" us metaphorically--by their listening and gaze and reliability and gentle kindness. I suppose I feel vaguely "held" by that, but it still isn't all I need. Nope...funny for a mind as flexible and abstract as mine is, I need the real thing. The real person with the real, strong arms and kind heart and gentle, reassuring voice. You aren't crazy. It's going to be okay. You are safe with me. You are safe here now. It's all over.
I can't take it in while it's happening (the hugs happen occasionally), but I can remember it later and remind myself that it was real. Is real.

I strongly recommend Laurence Heller's "Healing Developmental Trauma" for an explanation of why that is and how to heal it (of course there's the problem of finding a therapist trained in his methods). I'm not getting a commission for all the times I recommend that book, honest!

I haven't heard of this one. Thanks for the recommendation.

 

[sun seeker]

I've started noticing mothers (and sometimes fathers) holding and nurturing their children, both around me and on television. The things they say, the tone of voice, the way they touch their children. And I realize my mother never did those things. It's amazing how long it took me to realize that. Though I must have noticed at some level because I tried to give those things to my daughter. Tried... she mostly didn't want them, but that's another story. It seems like it takes longer to notice what we didn't get than the overt abuse. Sometimes I've longed for someone to just hold me and stroke my hair, but I can't imagine being able to ask for it.

 

[Philippa]

I have had the need to have someone stroke my hair for so long now. I think I even projected it onto someone on this forum at one point, when she was struggling, and it came across as creepy. To me, having my hair stroked would give me the feeling of total security. My mother used to give me really warm, loving hugs when I was younger, before she turned into some kind of ghoul. She'd stroke my hair and it felt so comforting...so secure and safe. I need that so bad. :cry:

The cat will come and put his paw on my face when I'm upset or cuddle up with me close and that helps, but it's not the same as a human warmth and cuddle.