Relationship Long Distance With Girlfriend With Ptsd

[chuazx88]

Hello there,

My name is C, and I am from Singapore. I am having a long distance relationship with K, who is in Mexico. We met on an online dating website, and found that we liked one another a lot. In fact, our times together before she got PTSD has been the most amazing time of my life, and she told me then that she feels the same.

I have never met K in person, and before the horror stuff happened, we were planning on me going to visit her sometime in November. However, something happened in July that caused her great distress.

She was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years before meeting me. Her ex had BPD, and was constantly paranoiac about her seeing other people behind his back. He was very commanding and tried to stop her from seeing anyone else. He never got treatment for his BPD then, and K broke up with him because it was too much for her.

That was when he started blaming K for everything. Things like his paranoiac, about his stress, about why he was restricting her to meet people. But I never got that feeling with my time with K, I found her to be completely fine and nice.

Things got serious in early July. He was in another city in Mexico prior to this, and he came to look for K. He threatened self harm and to harm others. He got rat poison and threatened to drink it, and told her that it was up to her to stop him from harming himself. She had to move 3 times because of his stalking, and he managed to find out where she had moved to each of the time (except this newest one, she's safe now).

Things got serious when one Thursday, he broke into her house and threatened to drink the rat poison. She managed to stop him from doing so after talking frantically to him for more than 2 hours. The very same Saturday, she was on the way to university when he called her and told K he was looking for her. She was so traumatised that she went to the next city and spent the night there. When she came back on Sunday, she found him standing outside her apartment, and he told her he had rat poison on him. After some struggle, she managed to lock herself into her room, and her ex was outside threatening to drink the rat poison and trying to break down her door at the same time. She called the police, but the police did not take him away. They only took note of what happened and gave him a first warning. When she went back to university on Monday, the hospital gave her a call saying that her ex went to the hospital, claiming that he had drank rat poison. That was of course a lie.

She managed to move to a new place on that Friday (second week in the story), but somehow her ex managed to find out where she had moved to. I think it was Tuesday (the third week in the story) when he stalked K home. Luckily she was walking home with a friend, and her friend could call the police while K distracted her ex. Her ex ran away when he realised that K's friend had called the police, so there was no sign of him when the police arrived. The police told K to report the incident to the nearest police station, but did not offer to drive them there. So, K called a few more of her friends so that they can go to the police station together. While she was waiting for her friends to arrive, her ex appeared again, and this time with a f*cking gun. K and her friend hid in the apartment, behind the door, while her ex fired a few shots at the door. He left after a while, but K and her friend was shivering with fear and was completely traumatised by it

All of that happened about 1.5 months ago. Her ex is not in jail, but with his sister, and my gf is very sure that his sister will not make him make trouble again. I think there is an arrest warrant for him, so he'll be caught if he makes anymore trouble.

However, that's when my problems come in. Even when she was going through the hellish period, she was still communicating with me. I could see that she was tired then, but she still made the effort. After her crazy ex incident, because of many legitimate reasons like entrance exams and school work, we have not had many chances to talk on skype. There were a few times when we did talk on skype, but those were the times just after her crazy ex incident. In fact, she has been getting even more detached now than before. I know that she still cares for me, because she does reply to me when I told her that I absolutely need to talk to her to calm me down. Yes, to calm me down! I had been completely traumatised because I feel so helpless! But I can tell that there is a lack of intimacy after her crazy ex episode. She has also been quite irritable in the emails, and I dont know what I can do. She told me on Skype 2 days ago that it has only been clear why she has been feeling that way. She told me that nothing has happened, and it is more about how she feels everything has been going for the past few months. She told me that she's not asking for a breakup, and she'll tell me how she thinks in an email which she was supposed to send yesterday. Because of the time difference, I had been staying up all night, but there was no sign of the email. I guess that she had PTSD, and I was also thinking that she was dreading to speak about her feelings to anyone at all. I replied her that its ok if she doesnt send me an email today, I will contact her next weekend and ask her if she is all right.

I have been completely traumatised by this situation. There has been no sign of affection from her for the past 2-3 months, which I can completely understand why. And I definitely want to talk to her about how she feels, but she seems unwilling to talk about it, or even to talk to me in general. This feeling I have now is so, so different from before the horror episode happened. The worst thing is that we are in a long distance relationship, and I cant see her in person to see how she is responding. I am at my wits end; I want to talk to her, but I cant force her to talk to me. My questions are (1) Is this a sign of PTSD, and (2) Is there anything I can do to both help her and myself?

 

[mrsps]

My advise, be very careful as you have not met this person, in person!

 

[chuazx88]

@mrsps Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it a lot. Could you elaborate more on your reply though? I am very sure that she is a nice person, and whatever it was that she did, there can be no excuse for her ex doing those kind of things to her. I sincerely believe that she is a nice person.

On the other hand, if you mean that I have not met her in person in the sense of I dont know she will repond to her PTSD, then yes, that is certainly a worry.

Please feel free to PM me if you feel awkward in talking about this on forum!

 

[digger]

I could see that she was tired then, but she still made the effort.

In fact, she has been getting even more detached now than before. I know that she still cares for me, because she does reply to me when I told her that I absolutely need to talk to her to calm me down. Yes, to calm me down! I had been completely traumatised because I feel so helpless! But I can tell that there is a lack of intimacy after her crazy ex episode. She has also been quite irritable in the emails,

She told me that nothing has happened, and it is more about how she feels everything has been going for the past few months.

Read back through what you've written about everything she's been through in the last few months - whether she has PTSD or not as a result, the stress of the situation would be exhausting for anybody. I'd really not be surprised at her not having the energy to keep reassuring you about it and your relationship at this time, and maybe coming across as irritable as a result.

I guess that she had PTSD,

I have been completely traumatised by this situation

. My questions are (1) Is this a sign of PTSD, and (2) Is there anything I can do to both help her and myself?

Not wanting to talk to you about it isn't necessarily a sign of PTSD. She may be talking to others about it, friends, a therapist...
As for feeling traumatised by it yourself, I think you need to be talking to someone else about that too rather than adding the pressure of that to the stress she is already under. Had you thought that maybe relying on her to calm you down and telling her how traumatised you are by it , might be the reason she doesn't want to talk about it with you? So to help yourself and her, I'd say back off a bit, give her some space, and find yourself someone to talk to that isn't her.

 

[chuazx88]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, everything that you said make perfect sense. Thank you for knocking it into my head, in times like this I really need other people's views on things. I have been talking to my personal friends, and the advice they gave are from a very different viewpoint. I appreciate all of them.

And I was stupid enough to actually wonder why she didnt want to talk to me about it in the first place. I knew her psyche wont be ok, and I was struggling to understand why she didnt want to tell me how she felt. Maybe she just didnt want to talk to me about it, and it is only now that I can understand it.

Also, I have sent her an email yesterday to tell her that I am fine she doesnt want to talk to me. I also told her that I will be talking to friends in order to let off steam, and I will engage in other activities to keep myself preoccupied. I also told her that I will send her an email once every weekend and see if she is in a mood to talk. If she is not, then we can always leave it to the week after next. I told her we'll see how things go on a weekend by weekend basis. She has also told me in an email 3 weeks ago to ask me to get engaged in some other stuff to distract myself, and I was stupid enough to tell her that although I will do something to distract myself, nonetheless I will still miss her if she doesnt talk to me. But I have apologised to her in that email yesterday too, and told her that it is only now that I understood what she was talking about, and I asked her to forgive me.

I have to tell you that I cannot imagine how psychologically traumatised she is. One of the reasons is because she never told me about it, and the second reason is a very horrible one. When she broke up with her ex, her ex went into full depression, and she was actually guilty about breaking up with him. And it was him who went after her with a gun. I dont know how to help her, and I think part of the reason why she doesnt want to talk to me may be this scarring by someone she was in a relationship with.

In any case, do you think that is a good idea? I'll send her an email every weekend to ask if she's ok, and if she doesnt reply, I'll leave it to the next weekend. I think that she will tell me if she doesnt want to chat, so I think I will get a definite yes or no reply from her. And I am trying to get distracted during the weekdays so that I wont be frantically checking my emails. I am also thinking if I should get a therapist if this gets too much for the time being.

And my question now is, is there a difference between talking to a therapist and talking to someone on a chatline? And is there a difference between meeting a volunteer to chat to in person and talking to someone on an online chatline?

Thanks for your time :)

 

[bell]

I think you need to back off big time.

She has also told me in an email 3 weeks ago to ask me to get engaged in some other stuff to distract myself,

And I would take this to heart, because if she is going through this you need to be strong for her.

BUT... remember that you haven't met this person and there are some people out there that will take full advantage of other people's niceness and play with it like a toy. Therefore, you actually have no idea at this point if what she's saying is the truth.

So, to break it down, you in Singapore have no idea what's really going on in Mexico (or sadly, even if she is in Mexico). If you had met in person, I'd feel differently, as you haven't met... there is more to consider. And I hate the thought of anyone getting as wound up as you are thousands of miles away when in reality, the truth may be much different than what she's representing.

As you obviously care about her, step away and wait until she gets in contact with you, because she's already told you to get involved with other things. Believe her. In the meantime, stop checking your emails nonstop and go outside. Go hang out with friends, family, pets at the animal shelter. If this is all true, you are going to drive her crazy by worrying about her all the time (I say this with experience on both sides of the fence). If it isn't true, then you'll be in good shape if things don't turn out like you want them to.

 

[chuazx88]

@bell Thank you for your reply. Yes, I will take your considerations seriously, except that I definitely do not think that she's playing on me. If anything, she has been extra nice to me. There was even once when I got completely hysterical because I took a combination of 2 medications that made me altered, and she went on skype to talk to me and ask me if I was ok before she went to the lab. IShe took an off day the next day, but her internet is still not working because she has just moved to her new place. There was also another time when I was so, so in need of her, and she took time off and talked to me. There was no affection, but I really appreciated that she made the effort.

But yes, I have been doing my own stuff for the time being. I have joined this forum and read some of the threads, and talked to some of my friends about it. I dont think any of my friends knew how crazy it has been for her until now. I have also been checking online for therapists in my area, but the private ones are so, so expensive. I am trying to see if there are any therapists who are willing to do skype sessions, so I know where to go to if and when I need it in the future.

 

[nursenurse]

Do not buy that plane ticket. I think everyone here has given you great advice. I am not sure she is even PTSD, all though if things are truly as she said, she would be under severe stress. Not all traumatic situations result in PTSD. Back off. This situation is untenable at best. Your plane ticket money would be better invested to help you understand yourself and why you would emotionally invest yourself in this kind of drama. Heed her words to do things for yourself and become strong and decisive for yourself. I know Mexico well. And it sounds like she has not disengaged herself fully from her ex. Why you would want to stay involved in this situation is beyond me.

 

[chuazx88]

@nursenurse I am not going to buy that plane ticket now, definitely not. But I definitely do want to meet her if this gets better in the future. I know that she really has been busy. She had to delay her Masters thesis until Janurary because of that incident, and also her scholarship funding is supposed to end next month. She had to go and apply for scholarship extension 2 weeks ago because she needs the funding until Janurary. Also, she will be studying for her entrance exams for PhD in November. There is another exam that she can do in March, but she wants to get it done asap, and if she doesnt pass this one in November and have to retake the March exam, it will mean that she will go out of funding from Janurary to March. So I can see why she has been so stressed.

I dont know if she has PTSD, maybe it is, maybe it is not. But I do know that because of her Master thesis and her entrance exams, she has been busy everyday, either by going to the lab or going to places to apply for funding extension for bureaucratic purposes. I dont even know if she is seeing her social worker, or if she even has the time to see a social worker now. How can she even think of seeing a social worker if she is stressing about money coming in?

As to why she has not disengaged from her ex before, I can completely understand why. Her ex was demanding and forbade her to see anyone. He was not only jealous of her meeting guy friends, but he was even jealous of her meeting female friends too. When she broke up with her ex, he went into full depression and went into a mental breakdown. She felt that, on a certain level, she was guilty for making him go into breakdown. And I dont know how this will work out, someone whom you previously loved, and who you thought you are guilty on a certain level for his mental breakdown, and that guy comes chasing after you with a gun in the end. Also, if this puts everything into context, he is not close to his family, and he is even hostile to his mother. So her ex was completely dependent on her and another friend. When my gf broke up with him, she knew very well that it was her actions that brought him to a mental breakdown. She can certainly think that it was not her fault, but you cannot deny the fact that she knows full well the reason of the physical cause of her ex's mental breakdown.

If you ask me why I want to get myself into such an emotional drama, my reason is that it is worth it. So what if it is very emotional so far? I want to hold on to this despite the drama that has been going on. Once I made my decision to stay with her during her crazy ex episode, I knew that the next few months will not be easy, especially I already knew about her funding problems, her Masters thesis delay and the extrance exams that are happening on the horizon. And in any case, I still do think that it is manageable. Sometimes I get quite sad, but for the past few days I have been able to find stuff to distract myself. For example, I have been able to watch 4 hours of old football videos today :p

And I do know that my health is important, and that is the reason why I have been searching the net for information. So maybe you're right, she may not have PTSD, I dont know, but I do suspect that she has PTSD. When I tried to get her to talk about the shooting incident, she declined to speak about it. She also avoids speaking about her ex at all. And being chased about by your former loved one with a gun is certainly a traumatic experience. But I really do want to stay healthy, and it will be both for me and for her if she wants to talk to me. And I will certainly take your decision to back off for the meantime.

 

[nursenurse]

Her actions did push not him into a melt down, it was totally his decision on manipulating the situation. I am not buying her story, which is what I was delicately trying to get at. At least not 100%. Anyhow, I am going to step away from this now. The heart wants what it wants, and logic is nowhere to be found. This is going to sound crass, but I will say it anyway. If she asks for money, don't give it, and do not volunteer to send. Make sure you use every means available to verify her identity. People present themselves any way they want over the Internet, you need to be smart and protect yourself.

 

[bell]

Here's the thing, @chuazx88. This girl may be the one for you. However, she may not be.

And often times when relationships start online from far away (and neither party is independently wealthy and can afford to come visit you often), they are little more than escapism. Because you can tell yourself, "I have a girlfriend!," when if you haven't met her you really... don't. You have a fantasy of what you want this girl to be.

I know what it's like to get caught up in someone and think they're the answer to everything. However, in reality, often times they're not that at all, as before they were just showing your their "best" sides and this is sometimes really hard to take (as you were convinced otherwise) and the relationship busts.

Also, if the bad stuff only just happened, chances are it hasn't had the chance to develop into PTSD, if that's what this is. If you care for her, you will help her get therapy. As you're not a doctor, provide space for her to vent, which she needs, but let *her* vent if you want to stay with her and stay away from venting about how this is effecting you.

 

[Larksong]

@chuazx88 My heart goes out to you, because I'm also very new to the whole ptsd supporter experience. All I can add to the wisdom you've heard here is that it is very sound advice. I have already received some "tough love" from people in this forum and it's helped me a lot. Everything bell and nursenurse and others here have told you is extremely smart and wise, and for your own future good you should reflect on it carefully and take it to heart--and for K's future good as well.

And I know this from watching friends in situations somewhat like yours: It is so true that anyone can present themselves online any way they want to. Your K may be everything you think she is, but she could also be a truly nice person who is confused or has a need to create drama to fill some need in her own life, and she's found you to fill it--newspapers are full of stories of people like this. That doesn't even mean she's bad or deliberately deceiving you, she could just be confused and troubled. And it's also very possible that she is deliberately manipulating you for some reason. Unfortunately, it sounds to me too like this last possibility is the most likely one. Having never talked to her in person--Skype isn't the same thing--you have no way to ultimately know. If she really is undergoing all the things she tells you--and it seems you have her as your only source for this--she definitely needs a professional therapist, not just a very caring friend online. And you should at least check in with a therapist, maybe at school or work, just to get an outside perspective for yourself.

Believe the little I've learned about PTSD so far: It is a very serious and real condition, and can never be diagnosed by a layperson like us. A specialist in the disorder, is my understanding, is the only person qualified to make the determination after looking at very detailed criteria. And many things, like temporary anxiety, can look like some of the symptoms of PTSD without being the same thing.

There will be many, many chances in life for you to reach out and help others. In fact, there are probably very many people in need in your own circle of friends and family, or in your community, who could really use the love and understanding you're trying to extend unsuccessfully to K. I know this is hard to do right now, but try to make yourself go outside, look at the beauty of nature, try to go beyond your own mind and needs and look around for ways you can help by volunteering in your community maybe with people who have emotional or physical challenges. Try to see what the world looks like to them and learn how they think you could make it better. And when you reach out to them, say to yourself that you are doing this in honor of the very real feelings you've developed for K. Because whether or not she turns out to be the wonderful person you think she is--and remember that several people here are seeing signs that she may not be--you have shown yourself to have a loving and giving heart, and that is something that will draw the right people to you in the future, whatever happens with her.

Sometimes you may just have to, as a friend of mine once said, "bless and release." It sounds like you may need to do this now with K, for her good and yours. For what it's worth, this is my thought as a complete non-professional: If you feel you must, maybe write her one last short email, tell her you care and want only the best for her, but that you need to give both of you some space, to help you both in the long run. If she'd like to in the future, tell her she can reach back out to you, but that you will not be contacting her again. (Just make sure if she ever does, that it's not to ask for money or material assistance.) And mean what you say, knowing that if you two really do have a genuine connection, that the world sometimes has a way of renewing that. And if you don't, you'll be better prepared to form a strong relationship with someone you have the chance to get to know in person, maybe someone you haven't met yet who will be far more giving and available for you than K. Ultimately, your own physical and emotional health should be your first concern, because only that will give you the ability to move forward and to assist others in general.

The people on here really do have a lot of experience with this, so please, please listen to them!

Wishing you strength and many good things!