Long-term Boyfriend Announces He Is Sexually Frustrated

[Deleted member 1860]

Posts like this make me realize that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. :-/

 

[LizBeth1]

Thank you, Junebug and simplekindofgirl. I think this is what many couples dealing with this have to go through, but no one really talks about it, at least I have not heard much about it on this site. Are there any several year couples who expect that sex has to be 100% perfect, always happening, and always fulfilling during the entire relationship? People change and grow. Like you said.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Oh, I think 100% of people can say that its not always perfect, or happening, or fulfilling.

Communication and intentions are everything. You intention is not to withhold, it is to heal. That is completely understandable. I think when I originally read the post, I misinterpreted being that I am just not very bright.

Your second post helped me to understand what I was not seeing from the original post. You truly are very deep into your therapy, and you do indeed need that time to heal before you engage in anything that makes you uncomfortable. I completely get it now. Sorry, I am often quite dense. And thank you for not taking a shot at me in such a case.

And I think it is truly beautiful that you and your boyfriend are able to communicate and respect one another in the way that you have explained it. I am very impressed by the maturity, the dialect, and the compassion that you both display towards one another. It is refreshing. Keep communicating that way, and I think you two will be just fine.

 

[Tinyflame]

It occurred to me, maybe (also) your bf is feeling 'other' things, too- loneliness, frustration, being 'left behind' or 'out' of your healing, etc? I say it just because sex itself- though on the surface seems to be only the obvious', has a lot to do with intimacy, connectedness, etc.
Even taking things 'one day at a time', can help.

PS- SKoG, you are certainly not dense, xox

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking too, the 'good news' is also, after 7 years you are the one he's still attracted to, and that you are attractive to him, I think as far as that goes and the other factors you've mentioned, if you do both choose to work through this, you'll probably end up with a much better, closer and fulfilling sex life than the average.

 

[Zipperhead]

A year and a half, and to him, no hope for a return to normal. No time frame, no callender. He is most likely beginning to wonder. Will this ever get better? Is there a light? The fact that you have written off any form of intimate connection shows him there has been no progress. It isn't just that he's frustrated now, it's more that he doesn't have hope.

The fact that your therapist intends on re-enforcing this lack of hope by reaffirming your need for total celibacy with no view to a future tells me they don't understand the human need for intimacy. I would think there may be better couples counsillers out there that may help. Counsillers that are willing to work to a solution that will provide the intimacy that you BOTH need. Intimacy is not sex. The simple act of holding someone in your arms and crying is intimate. It provides the same connections and feelings of trust and self-worth. It provides Hope.

I understand that your therapist is there for your well being. That his feelings and needs are not their concern. But this just seems to be overly callous on the part of your therapist. Surely there is some form of connection available that you are capable of maintaining. Don't take him to see that therapist. They might be just what you need right now, but definately not what he needs.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree with Zip as he has been able to express what I can't.

I think it bears mentioning, that ptsd can be a life threatening-struggle-to-survive at times, one that requires accomodations and alterations one would never envision themselves requiring.

That being said, however, as Zip has said, the T is not committing (or I've missed it mentioned) to any specific 'goals' in terms of a time frame- everything is left open-ended. That by it's nature does infer 'no hope'.
You both need intimacy, -especially now, as Zip said, and especially also for yourself. Especially if it's the biggest battle of your life, to date.

Not to mention, we can never take for granted that 'we' will have'more time' or those we love will, we have only 'today'.

 

[LizBeth1]

Sorry, I may not have mentioned that we are very affectionate physically - very intimate except for sex acts. We're constantly hugging, holding hands (we hold hands more than any couple I've ever witnessed - we hold hands when we go to sleep together, walk down the street, go to the movies, even when he's driving we're holding hands often)... neck rub, massage, he lies in my lap and I stroke his head. This is constant. And my therapist says this is important and I agree. He and I both crave and need that affection all the time. So we have that. So - for me right now, celibacy is no sex, but it's not no physical intimacy.

My therapist is a woman. She's not callous - she believes this physical intimacy connection is very important - that we do what we are able to do. My boyfriend met with her last year and really felt supported by her. He was relieved after talking to her to just have someone else to bounce his concerns off of... He likes and respects her a lot. We will go together soon to discuss all this.

I guess "no hope" is all in how you look at it. She has to leave it open ended because when you're dealing with trauma, you can't say "by April I want you to have mastered this bit of the therapy." If you have many split off parts and they're all operating at different levels of healing, and you're working to integrate them, it's -- you just can't work that way. It'll backfire. You know? Some split-off part will approach that 'deadline' and start freaking out. Sometimes this can result in self-sabotage, trying to rush things when not every piece of you is on board - only you aren't aware of it until you feel yourself freaking out for some reason. With CPTSD, there are lots of different kinds of triggers that have to be neutralized. Lots going on at the same time, many things needing to be managed simultaneously. So goals that sort of have timing 'deadlines,' like a college curriculum, can just agitate things further. So we do leave it open-ended from a time perspective. We have to. That's actually the safety of it - the safe space. This is why "timed goals" don't generally work in CPTSD or many other forms of PTSD. Timing is pressure. Pressure and PTSD don't mix well. We absolutely do have goals. We are working towards specific goals. The goal of listening to these split off parts and calming them down. The goal of integration. The goal of looking at a mental freeze-frame of a past sexual trauma and doing EMDR biostimulation to neutralize the reaction to it. So we definitely have a to-do list and goals and a structure. They just are not timed goals.

I'm not sure if you were emphasizing that my therapist SHOULD institute timed goals? Or if the only right thing to do is seek a therapist who does institute that? For my boyfriend's sake? Sorry if I'm misinterpreting. But again - just like having sex right now will be retraumatizing, having timed deadlines will do the same thing - it's complex, and putting a timestamp onto these goals (goals that involve rerouting deeply ingrained complicated behavior patterns over 40 years) is not constructive to the situation - it will not improve anything; in fact, it will probably induce a backslide. That's just the reality. So you can see how timing these goals won't help my boyfriend either. If I were to tell him "I'm supposed to be done this part by May" and that didn't happen, and I instead had a repressed memory crop up and it wrecked our whole schedule of goals, well, that wouldn't give him much hope either.

I hope that that makes some kind of sense - I know that many of you are coming from all different types of traumatic experiences, some perhaps short-term and some occurring over many years. Childhood sexual abuse combined with parental emotional neglect over many years is a really complicated thing to work through. It's messy. Things are leaking out all over the place. When you have one thing down, another thing crops up that neither you nor your therapist expected - it wasn't on the list - but there it is. We have to make room on the list. Shift the dates out. Project timeline creep. Frustrated boyfriend. There are a lot of unexpected things happening through this work. Having a timed schedule for achieving these goals -- it's kinda like the calendar would just start dissolving as the reality of the constantly-in-motion therapeutic work starts to set in.

That said, I completely get how it is frustrating for him to deal with the unknowns here - people generally don't do well with unknowns in most situations - we all need to know when it's going to happen, when are we going to get there, what time will it be, when will the payoff come, etc. There's huge discomfort in not having this. I experience this in my daily life as well. It's just how society has conditioned us, and not many of us do well when we have to wait longer than expected, or when we do not know what the outcome will be. However, it is also a true statement that this discomfort actually means that we are not focused on the present moment. It means we're stuck in future anxiety. We're gone. So when we believe that we need resolution right now, and it is not forthcoming, and we are going crazy from it, it means that we're not present - not grounded - not all the way in our bodies. The mind is somewhere else. Worrying about future what-ifs that don't have any tangible evidence to support them. Not recognizing the present moment and how deep and eternal it is. So... as meditation teachers say, not getting attached to outcomes, and not setting expectations, will make all of us a whole lot more happy because we'll be enjoying the present moment and deepening our awareness of the wonder of being human and together and in the world. Yes, I hear you cry: None of this zen stuff matters if my boyfriend doesn't happen to be having sex with me in the present moment, right? Is that where you're going now? :)

So as I've said - I'm living with certain parameters right now, I absolutely need those parameters in order to work on healing, they are non-negotiable, and the terrible cost of me doing what I 100% need to do to heal is that my boyfriend's sexual needs are not being addressed. And again - this is why I've always told him the door is wide open and I'm not holding him hostage. I am doing everything I can possibly do. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

 

[Zipperhead]

No, I'm not saying you need timed goals, or a new therapist. I'm saying she isn't a great choice to take him to. Her concern is you. He needs hope. Either get him his own therapist, or the two of you go to a couples counsiller that is separate from your therapist. Telling him that you have given up, don't see the end, and he should leave or cheat really isn't doing much for his hope either.

 

[LizBeth1]

Thanks Zip - that does make a lot of sense. She actually would never see him on his own - she'd send him to someone who's "just for him" and separate from us. He's always resisted seeing a therapist for himself, ironically. Not there yet. He loves that I'm going, and loves to hear about what we're working on, but he doesn't feel that he needs it for himself. I know that sounds weird... you'd think he'd seek it out. He says he'd rather just talk to a friend. But you know. Friends can't really speak to the complexities of what is happening here... they can sympathize, but they can't really give you serious tools and strategies. At some point maybe he'll start wanting that. I hope so.

So if he and I meet with my T, it's really an appointment that is all about me, but for his benefit. She'll give him a realistic update on where I'm at. That's important for him to know, to hear from a professional. She's the only one who can provide that. I agree - it would be fantastic if he would see a therapist who also happens to understand child sex abuse trauma so that he/she could frame things for his experience of what I'm going through. I don't know if he is afraid that things will emerge about himself in there, or what. Maybe.

I've mentioned couples counseling but he's not comfortable with that either. So... more parameters.

 

[mamachick]

I have read through these posts and am a bit confused. Topic-Long term boyfriend sexually frustrated is the only thing that makes sense to me.

I understand your questions to ask if others have experienced and how they handled it, what in the world did they do. Yet you describe it as "I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, and it is not negotiable, and the cost is his sex life". It sounds like you have already answered your own question.

Many suggestions have been mad and your responses have been---"she would never advodate", "she has to leave it open ended", "if another therapist said it was safe-it wouldnt change the fact that I would be re-traumatized and set back", "my therapist say its true, we cannot give a time frame", "even looking at a male's private parts is incredibly triggering and intolerable for me now", "I wouldnt be able to handle him seeing someone else on the side".

Several things come to mind.
As a supporter, how bad would it feel for your body parts to be intolerable to your partner. I think I would become self conscious of changing clothes , exiting the shower, or being naked in any way. How long would it take before that feeling of intolerableness rubbed off on the supporter?

For every suggestion, you have had an answer that prevents any reasonable resolution. There have been several very reasonable responses to your dilemma-IMHO. I think of that as the "ya but" syndrome. Some people have a reason or excuse for everything. I am hearing that you are very intellectual but may have trouble in the area of feeling-not uncommon to many of us. Our traumas are all different. We respond differently. We heal differently. However, the world does not stop for us to heal. Please know that I do not mean that to be harsh. A good therapist is aware of the resistance that comes with therapy but prevents progress.

You have a great deal of knowledge about how your illness works and the limitations. You speak of splitting off-so I am wondering if you are diagnosed with DID, BPD, or something else. There is no such diagnosis as c-ptsd. Again, I do understand that everyones trauma is somewhat unique as is healing, but I cannot help but noticing that your posts sound as though your therapist is your alibi for your inability/lack of desire for a sexual relationship.

I find this very concerning because there are different theories about this that I do not want to go into at this time, and without knowing every detail of your trauma it would be unfair. However, withholding sex can be a form of control that is used too often by women. Many men would take you up on the opportunity to have a side relationship. You indicate that your bf is not interested and only wants you. After a 5 yr relationship that included sex that is understandable. Further, after 5 yrs most couples develop some dependency on each other, yet it sounds like you have him-hook, line and sinker. The statement "we hold hands when we go to sleep together" is another indicator of stoking that dependency.

My question is "DO you love him?' If you answer that you do, maybe you should consider setting him free until this healing takes place, because it could be another twenty years, and frankly, that seems very unfair to him. He could loose the years that he would be building a healthy relationship and starting a family. Sometimes people seperate and come back together at the right time. Sex is part of a relationship for both men and women, (may be more important to men) none the less, a good sex life leads to better health long term.

Im not trying to be harsh, I just do not understand your question. It sounds like the truth is this.
Im not going to have sex with my boyfriend today and maybe never and my therapist says its fine. My boyfriend is frustrated. I am not going to do anything to change it and he is not happy. He is very understanding, and we did have sex for the first five years. We cant get naked together and I do not want to see his body parts, so we cannot have touch and him finish himself either. He can masturbate in the bathroom when Im not around. I would not be comfortable with him seeking sexual gratification elsewhere. He is patiently waiting for me without a promise of time. How long do you all think this will last.

IMHO-This is very controlling and goes against nature.

One thing that I have learned is that "It doesnt matter why" to healthy people. Mentally healthy people to not excuse abuse and neglect because the other person blacked out, because their parents didnt love them, etc. They have a sense of reality that they are being cheated and do not keep becoming more tolerant to circumstances that are cheating them out of life. The fact that your boyfriend has been tolerant for a year and a half without complaint is an indicator that he is suffering low self confidence at best.

Honestly I am not trying to be offensive and apologize if it does. I just need to respond with honesty.
I hope it all works out.

 

[angel2write]

I guess I'm going to come down on the other side of this.

IF you were married (and I understand that you are in a long-term committed relationship) and one of you was in a car accident that left you crippled and unable to have sex, would you end the marriage?

Celibacy may not have been his first choice, but, um, sex isn't everything? Lots of people go through life celibate. I'm sorry he's missing it. And it sounds like you're doing a lot with the massage & cuddling & stuff to try to keep a physical, loving connection in your relationship. And you're even willing to aim for more in the future! That's more than a lot of people can do.

Maybe it's time to really face up to the commitment thing. Is he in for the long haul? Richer or poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part... or is he still making up his mind about you?

If you come home in six weeks, three months, three years, and say: I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have sex with you, will he be gone? And if he's going to be gone, isn't that conditional love?

Guys on here with PTSD want their spouses to be understanding that they are disabled and may never be able to work again. And the woman needs to be supportive and accept that he will never have more than a disibility income again, if that. And it hurts. It's scary. A great big part of the relationship security just went out the window. There's a big burden. A big question: is she going to stick? Or bail out on him?

This is the same kind of thing. If my husband gets sick tomorrow, or has a car crash, and can never work again or have sex again, or (fill in the blank) again... am I bailing on him? Or am I HERE for the long run? Whatever it takes. As long as it takes.

Maybe what you guys need to decide is are you committed to each other, or are you playing house?