Looking For Advice About Reuniting With Abusers

[Keen]

I'm hoping for thoughts and advice about this situation, I thought some other perspectives might help.

Background: I grew up in a home where multiple types of abuse were being perpetrated by my parents. One type--emotional/verbal abuse--was adopted by my siblings. I found as an adult that I needed to cut off contact with all of them in order to heal. I know it was the right decision because I have healed so much since then. Within weeks of cutting off contact, chronic illnesses I had had since childhood dissipated and disappeared. Other parts of me, of course, have taken longer to heal. But the distance has really helped my forgiveness work, and I no longer hate them and wish them misery for what they did, and I can have understanding/compassion (though of course not condoning) for their choices.

I really love my family, despite all they've done to me, and I believe family and taking care of one another is important, its something I really value. Lately I've started to wonder if I should reunite with them, now that I've forgiven them and have healed so much. But, I'm worried that they haven't changed and will engage in the same abusive behaviors and that my progress will be set back again. And I'm also worried that even if they have changed, just being around them will trigger all my symptoms again. Even now, after years, I'm unable to make myself go to stores or other places they used to frequent when I was younger because I'm afraid of running into them--I know this is avoidance and not healthy. Maybe this is a sign I'm not ready yet. I don't know. I'm not even sure how to become ready.

I just though hearing from some other people might help me sort out my thoughts and feelings about this. Its always on my mind: "should I reunite?" "is it safe?" "is it the right thing to do?" "is it a stupid idea?" etc.

Thanks

 

[One step at a time]

It is totally natural to love your family. That is why it breaks people up so badly to be hurt by their families. Your recovery is brave.

Reunite? Probably not a good idea. There is no reason to believe they won't try to hurt you again. Reunite is a strong word.
But reach out, in the hopes of establishing limited, controlled contact? Maybe, if it will bring you peace. And if you can maintain perspective enough to recognize when they act in abusive ways and remove yourself from the situation without internalizing what they say. It may be possible to find small ways of interacting without getting hurt.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Overall this decision is up to you. I just cut off contact with my parents this year and my sister last year, and also felt immediate relief.
In my opinion, people don't change. If they were abusive then, they will be abusive now, and most likely will hold the "no contact" over your head as a new thing to guilt you with or harass you about.
Do you want to put yourself in a situation where you could be abused again or retriggered? Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, and would you be able to look at them differently now, or just be waiting for the other shoe to drop?
If you have a therapist, I would really weigh out the pros and cons of doing this him/her and what kind of impact it could potentially have on your life.

 

[Keen]

It is totally natural to love your family. That is why it breaks people up so badly to be hu...

Thanks for clarifying, I agree, "reunite" is a strong word, but I just couldn't think of a better word when I was writing the post. "Re-establish contact" is more what I was trying to convey.
Thanks for the advice! Keeping contact limited and safe would definitely be important if I decided to try to re-establish some kind of contact.

 

[Keen]

Overall this decision is up to you. I just cut off contact with my parents this year and my sister last...

Thanks for your thoughts, you brought up several things I hadn't considered before. I have seen some people totally change (although it is rare), and I have completely changed in many ways throughout my life through learning and maturing, and I like to give people chances to be different than they have been. But, this situation is different than those, and I am concerned about those potentials you brought up--harassment through guilt, re-triggering, and putting myself in a dangerous situation. Its really tough, I have two conflicting values--love and desires to give people chances vs. self-preservation.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Kassie While I understand your position, I also don't understand. They were abusive. You broke off contact, got better physically and a bit emotionally. So WHY would you want to open up that door, to possibly let the abuse start again????

 

[Keen]

@Kassie While I understand your position, I also don't understand. They were abusi...

I don't know. It just keeps coming to mind. Probably because I genuinely love them. Especially my sister. And because I believe people can be good even if they're messed up and make bad choices, that people can change, and I'm hoping they will. And because I feel this responsibility to help them in their lives, to me that is what family is about--watching out for and taking care of and helping one another. I know one problem in my family is that it's one-sided, it isn't reciprocal and so that isn't healthy. But I don't want to base my choices on theirs, and I just, I guess, am hoping to give them a chance to be different. I don't know. I guess I'm kinda confused. Cause part of me really wants to find a way to be some sort of family with them, even if not a perfect or even a good family. We had good times, too, not just bad. I had good relationships with some of them, before they started following those abusive patterns. I love them and I miss them, I guess. And have this hope they will change, at least enough that we could have some kind of relationship. I don't see them as evil. Just stuck in unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I had good times with my family too. But, after repeated attempts of explaining why I needed them to stop doing certain things that were hurting me such as saying the name of the man who molested me, not accepting any responsibility for what happened to me as a child and basically slamming the door in my face when I bring it up, going to the dr where my abusive ex worked, respecting my husband, talking about my weight...the list goes on...so interspersed with the good times were my boundaries being trampled over and over again and ridicule. I sent them a letter 2 years ago explaining things, and it was like they never got it. Refused to discuss it. I don't mean to hijack your thread but in my experience just because they are family doesn't mean they deserve my love. You can choose people that treat you with love and respect; I call it my chosen family.

 

[Keen]

I had good times with my family too. But, after repeated attempts of explaining why I needed them to sto...

No, thanks for sharing your experience!
I have a "chosen family" to love too, I call them my adopted family, and they are amazing.
I just still feel some kind of attachment and desire to love and serve my family of origin too.

 

[Netsy]

I'm hoping for thoughts and advice about this situation, I thought some other perspectives might help....

I know from experience that going backwards is not going forwards. Simply my advise to you is that you must do some research on PTSD C about 'bonding with the abuser' - before you make any decisions. Take time to enjoy what you have and be strong - really strong ! before you face your demons. Abuse is Abuse, and people who have PTSD C like myself, we seem to think we owe the world and our abusers something because we have been cloned to believe we are worthless, so lift your head up high and keep walking the road you are on now. Try asking yourself this one question? - Have they said sorry to you?... if not then don't look back - wishing you all the best of luck :-)