Looking for advice on relationship problem

[sleepingwolf]

I wanted to reach out today and ask for advice for a recent problem in my relationship, to see what you guys think, so I can get some perspective. As a background story, I have CPTSD and have been with my partner for 4 years.

Last weekend my partner had her old University friends down for a few days, we live far away and she doesn't see them often. Five of them came to see our new place and the local area. I don't know them too well, but we get on fine.

I'm also in a stage of my recovery of setting positive and new self-care boundaries, which I used this weekend. I have chronic pain, DID and a few other issues that mean I need to take it easy, rest and pace myself. I decided this past weekend that I wouldn't spend a day out with them, and instead stay in, rest, and cook them all a meal for the evening.

The time went well, I was really pleased with how I was, and how I was able to keep my energies, not giving too much, and being able to rest enough to go back to work on the Monday.

Throughout the weekend my partner said a few comments like 'I wish you were more part of the gang', which hurt a bit, and she apologised saying she was just anxious.

Last night she had therapy, of which she goes weekly. I also have a 'Survivors' support group which I went too. I shared how pleased I was with the weekend, and new boundaries, and it was good. When I got home my partner said she was upset and 'would have appreciated more effort' from the weekend, saying she would have wished I'd dressed smarter on the Sunday, I wasn't in the right mood or vibe and such. She also said she was upset I didn't chat more on one of the mornings, and she wanted more 'effort' from me. I was working from home that morning, and had a cold, so didn't chat too much.

Well, it has left me feeling quite at odds really. I was really pleased, and was almost looking for self-care praise. But her response made me feel not good at all. I think to protect my progress I've become defensive to what she's saying. It has ended with her saying I was 'locking down' what she was feeling and saying, and she went to work shouting and in tears this morning.

Of the issues we have, I find it hard with her anger and very up-and-down emotions. I feel when she is tired (end of the week) she's looking for a fight or a reason to shout, be upset and so on...and I'd say it happens 50% of the time.
We also haven't found a way for me to be comfortable as a 'Survivor' or with any real 'problems' to her friends or family, and with her side of things we never mention it to others.
For myself, I know I'm very protective and defensive of myself, especially my healing and growth. I can also overlook the 'now' problem, and try and psychoanalyse it instead of just listening.

Perhaps this needs me to listen and protect myself, but I'm not sure how to do both at the same time.

Any feedback most welcome :)

 

[Swift]

Hey mate.
First of all, great job on your self care! It sounds like you did an awesome job in a really stressful situation, took the time you needed, and handled it with grace.
And it also sounds like your partner is upset.
That's ok! Both these things can be true at the same time.
The thing is, self-care is kind of held up as all unicorns and rainbows and perfect all of the time.
The best definition I've got for self-care is: putting your needs ahead of other people's wants.
Truth is, you can't please everybody. It's okay for them to have wants that you can't fulfil because of your needs.
In this instance, with the weekend thing, I'd listen to and acknowledge that your partner wanted you to be more communicative and dress better. Going forward, what would that look like? Perhaps a collared shirt or something? And how can you compromise on communicative-ness?
Listening to and acknowledging your partner's feelings doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. It may mean you've done the right thing, and she's still a little upset.
If self-care is new to you, this will probably happen a bit.
Sometimes, the people in my life get upset if I can't manage x or y. I can hear them out and apologize that they feel bad, but I couldn't manage x or y and did the right thing by not doing it.
I know it's still a bit of a guessing game about what I can handle, and I've stuffed it up both ways, by doing too much and by not going to things that I could've handled.
I wish I had a more precise answer, but I don't.
Well done again on your self care.

 

[Virtues]

Here's my honest take on the situation...

1) you're going to notice your progress before anyone else does: in your case maybe she hasn't seen all the progress you have made, because she's so focused on what more she wants from you, or is skeptical that you can change.
2) sometimes we operate in our comfort zones and don't push our boundaries to expand (spouses are good for "helping" us to push our boundaries, whether we're ready to or not): in your case maybe you do have more in you than you realize and it's just frustrating to her that you're not exercising it
3) the truth in an argument often lies in the middle of both persons perspectives: in your case maybe you're both a little right and a little wrong or better yet NO ONE is right or wrong, you both are just looking at the same thing from two different vantage points and see two different points of view and need to accept that it looks different from the other person's view point. It doesn't mean you have to agree to come to an understanding on the issue or respect the other person and their opinion. You just have to hear the other person out and validate their feelings and also have your feelings validated. That doesn't mean speak to your partner with the intent on them accepting your point of view or changing, just understanding where your coming from with no preconception about changing their mind.

i don't know if this is helpful, but it seems like these guidelines are true more than half the time.

 

[sleepingwolf]

Thanks for your input guys, I really appreciate the advice.

I can see with a lot more clarity now, and that it is something to allow and validate, for both of us. I can see that I was triggered to being really defensive as I'm still trying out and gaining confidence with self care and self expression.

Thanks again guys! :):hug: