cheymander
New Here
I've been around here for a while but I only just now made an account.
I started my PTSD treatment this year, I've been on a few different medications since my treatment started. Lexapro didn't help at all, Pristiq was kind of helping and then I was also on buspirone for anxiety and hydroxyzine for insomnia.
Everything was getting a little better but then I found out I was pregnant. My doctor told me to stop the Pristiq because it hasn't been studied for pregnancy. Then I think I realized that the Pristiq was the only thing making a difference and the other two meds didnt work on their own.
Since I've been off my medicine, my life has plummeted. I missed my next appointment, she was going to put me on a pregnancy-safe med. I haven't found the motivation to reschedule. With the mood swings from pregnancy as well as the symptoms of my PTSD, I've fallen into a dark depression and I've been having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming me.
A huge subject of my childhood verbal abuse was my weight. I've struggled with eating disorders all my life. I was in the middle of an eating disorder when I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't eaten for three days when I got the positive test. It's been a struggle to eat, but I've been forcing myself.
Everything has been manageable until yesterday. My sister in law, with whom I have a bad past with already, gave me some maternity pants that were a quarter of my size. They were size four. I've never been able to fit that. The thing is though is that a few weeks earlier she gave me pants that were in my size. So it's hard to believe she just forgot. My husbands family are not conscious of PTSD and they aren't careful around me. They've also said and done things that have wounded me deeply so I already don't really trust them. Being over there causes me a lot of pain.
My grandma used to buy my brother expensive clothes all the time but she would always say I was too fat for nice clothes. He'd get Hollister and I would get dollar general brand clothes. Once when I upset about being treated so starkly differently, she took me to the stores she'd take him to. She picked out a shirt that was way too small for me and made me try it on. Then she dragged me around the store, asking random customers to tell me it didn't look good on me. It was mortifying. She used to call me fat, make me cry, then start screaming in my face louder and louder the more I cried, that I was fat and I need to lose some weight. She used to tell me I'd never be able to get a husband if I didn't lose weight. She used to watch me shower and tell me I looked so fat and disgusting.
The fact is, though, I was never even fat. I'm pretty big now I guess but in my defense I'm on my third pregnancy. I lost 50lbs in just a few months not too long ago because I was struggling with all these flashbacks.
When I held those maternity jeans up and saw how small they were, it made me flashback to that day at the store. It made me feel like it was an offhand way of telling me I wasn't good enough.
It could have been a stupid mistake. But I'm really struggling with believing that because of the type of verbal abuse I suffered for so long. I have a therapy session in a few days where I plan on bringing this up. But right now I just need some comfort and support. I'm afraid of slipping into another eating disorder while I'm pregnant. What would you do in this situation? Am I just being dumb?
I started my PTSD treatment this year, I've been on a few different medications since my treatment started. Lexapro didn't help at all, Pristiq was kind of helping and then I was also on buspirone for anxiety and hydroxyzine for insomnia.
Everything was getting a little better but then I found out I was pregnant. My doctor told me to stop the Pristiq because it hasn't been studied for pregnancy. Then I think I realized that the Pristiq was the only thing making a difference and the other two meds didnt work on their own.
Since I've been off my medicine, my life has plummeted. I missed my next appointment, she was going to put me on a pregnancy-safe med. I haven't found the motivation to reschedule. With the mood swings from pregnancy as well as the symptoms of my PTSD, I've fallen into a dark depression and I've been having suicidal thoughts that are overwhelming me.
A huge subject of my childhood verbal abuse was my weight. I've struggled with eating disorders all my life. I was in the middle of an eating disorder when I found out I was pregnant. I hadn't eaten for three days when I got the positive test. It's been a struggle to eat, but I've been forcing myself.
Everything has been manageable until yesterday. My sister in law, with whom I have a bad past with already, gave me some maternity pants that were a quarter of my size. They were size four. I've never been able to fit that. The thing is though is that a few weeks earlier she gave me pants that were in my size. So it's hard to believe she just forgot. My husbands family are not conscious of PTSD and they aren't careful around me. They've also said and done things that have wounded me deeply so I already don't really trust them. Being over there causes me a lot of pain.
My grandma used to buy my brother expensive clothes all the time but she would always say I was too fat for nice clothes. He'd get Hollister and I would get dollar general brand clothes. Once when I upset about being treated so starkly differently, she took me to the stores she'd take him to. She picked out a shirt that was way too small for me and made me try it on. Then she dragged me around the store, asking random customers to tell me it didn't look good on me. It was mortifying. She used to call me fat, make me cry, then start screaming in my face louder and louder the more I cried, that I was fat and I need to lose some weight. She used to tell me I'd never be able to get a husband if I didn't lose weight. She used to watch me shower and tell me I looked so fat and disgusting.
The fact is, though, I was never even fat. I'm pretty big now I guess but in my defense I'm on my third pregnancy. I lost 50lbs in just a few months not too long ago because I was struggling with all these flashbacks.
When I held those maternity jeans up and saw how small they were, it made me flashback to that day at the store. It made me feel like it was an offhand way of telling me I wasn't good enough.
It could have been a stupid mistake. But I'm really struggling with believing that because of the type of verbal abuse I suffered for so long. I have a therapy session in a few days where I plan on bringing this up. But right now I just need some comfort and support. I'm afraid of slipping into another eating disorder while I'm pregnant. What would you do in this situation? Am I just being dumb?
