Sufferer Need Advice Family Flashbacks

[Miasmith]

John doe, your lack of empathy is concerning and your comment is pointless.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

 

[Seasounds]

As I emotionally healed, I did try to see if any my family members could be in a respectful relationship to me.
One by one, they showed me that they weren't able to do so. Over time, this led to me choosing disengagement. I took my time.

 

[Miasmith]

Sometimes disengagement is quite liberating. When you disconnect from negative people you can become more positive in yourself.

 

[Abstract]

Miasmith, it might be worthwhile looking up the forum rule on paragraphs so that you don't end up with a whole bunch of notifications when they get edited! :)

 

[Miasmith]

Is that better?

 

[Abstract]

If you get a notification then it is best to post a thread in the Helpdesk section so that you can find out what it is you are doing and change it if you are not sure. If you look at what you wrote above then if you started the second sentence from "What" and put it next to the end of the first it would create a paragraph.

When you want to start a new one then you leave a line gap like I have just done here. Its so that people can read what you write more easily. If you report your own post then you don't get a notification. You might want to edit the ones above.

 

[cavy]

Ray_of_hope welcome, I can relate to some of your abuse as you were growing up.

I don't think I have posted much about my history on here before, but for me knowing there are people on here that I can relate to has really helped me so I hope this will help you. Being brave now, so here goes.:eek:

I & my sisters were sexually & emotionally abused by my brother. I was also physically abused too by him, my dad also physically & emotionally abused us, narcassistic I think he would be described as. My Mum too was bi-polar and died when I was 6, she was so drugged up sometimes that she just couldn't be there for me as a maternal figure and when she wasn't and more manic it terrified me.

I have been having therapy with a brilliant trauma therapist for a couple of years now, I too tried telling other people about my past & this just didn't help very much at all, I honestly thought it would. A year ago I realised that I had been emotionally abused for 39 years (I had only realised this after trauma work, I feel so stupid because I thought the way I was being treated was "normal", I had never known anything else or was trying to kid myself). Hard though it is, I am glad that you can see that your parents are manipulative, this is an important step to help you work out what is best for you to do & I hope that the support and advice you get here will be of help to you..

To keep myself "safe" and reduce the flashbacks and other related symptoms, I have had to completely distance myself from my immediate family. Everytime I was in contact with any of them I became extremely ill, but just couldn't work out what was going on at the time.

It must be so hard for you, especially as your Dad has not kept to his side of the agreement regarding your car. I don't know if your siblings were abused too, I didn't find out about one of my sisters till over 20 years after she had endured sexual abuse.

I'm guessing that if I have understood it correctly, you want to go to the wedding but are wary of being in contact with your abusers. It is a difficult decision to make, are your siblings younger or older than you? Also are they adults who are still living at home with your Mum & Dad? Hope you don't mind me asking as I think if they are not living with them, then possibly that will be of help to you regarding the situation. It is difficult when siblings are in denyal & refuse to aknowledge & do what is right, well that is how it was for me, your situation may be different I don't know.

Wow, I came to this site for help but all I got was more criticism. This is extremely upsetting.

You are already starting to be assertive!! Harder with our familes though, it takes time. Ignore any unhelpful negative posts on here, the majority of the posts are not like that.

(((((Hugs))))) I hope you find this site helpful and supportive.:hug:

 

[Seasounds]

I agree with Cavy. If you are actively having flashbacks of your family, consider not going to the wedding.

 

[Ray_of_hope]

Are you seeing a trauma therapist?

I was seeing a really good therapist but had to stop because of financial issues. I think it would help to talk to someone other than friends. It has really helped me getting advice on this site. Somehow it proves that what I went through is real. I still play games in my head of whether I deserved it or I was just crazy.

There are also often ways to soften what you are doing if you are concerned about the effects on your siblings and related stuff. I think it can help to see it as a grey area rather than black and white

I have slowly broken away from the family, but it has gotten to the point that I don't think they are getting the message. They continue to harass me and gossip. And it always seems to come around as being my fault, even when I haven't said anything to them in months! They tell people I'm an alcoholic when I don't even drink! They tell people I am pregnant when I haven't even been with anyone and have never been pregnant! They will do anything to get the attention and blame off of them and onto me. I'm sick of the games.

I feel so stupid because I thought the way I was being treated was "normal", I had never known anything else or was trying to kid myself).

Reading this was so enlightening. I still feel sometimes like what I went through was normal. When I look at friends parents who call and take an active role in their lives I find it strange, it's just so far from what I know. At the same time I know that if I were to start a family I would never hurt them the way I was hurt. It's so easy to believe the abusers lies over the hard truth of what they did to me. You are right though, it isn't normal and you should never feel stupid. How were we supposed to know any better? We did what we could to teach ourselves and survive.

I don't know if your siblings were abused too, I didn't find out about one of my sisters till over 20 years after she had endured sexual abuse.

I haven't talked to any of them about abuse. I wouldn't feel comfortable because I think they would just tell me I was crazy. I don't know if they were abused in the same ways. I know they were neglected and manipulated in the same way. It will be interesting to see if anyone else has memories later on. I pray that they haven't been through it. I'm sure it was hard for you to hear that your sister had been through the same.

It is a difficult decision to make, are your siblings younger or older than you? Also are they adults who are still living at home with your Mum & Dad?

They are younger. Three are out of the house but go back in the summers. One is only 6 years old. I worry about her.

It is difficult when siblings are in denyal & refuse to aknowledge & do what is right, well that is how it was for me, your situation may be different I don't know.

My situation is very much the same. My siblings are way more likely to believe the lies my mom spits out about me than to acknowledge what they saw happen.

You are creating your life, you are worth it!

:angelic:

Thanks for the advice and support. It does help.

 

[Abstract]

What have tried so far Ray of Hope? In other words what have you said or done in the past?

There was so much I needed to learn when it came to assertiveness. That I couldn't change others and could only take care of myself. That there is a difference between asking for something and assertiveness where we are unapologetically stating a situation. That the people we most need to have boundaries with are the ones that are going to most resist them.

 

[Seasounds]

Ray of Hope,
You've inspired me to write more; my intention is, through sharing some of my story, to give you a 'with-ness', which I received from you, sharing your story.

My twenties and thirties were very difficult. After college, my memories opened, and my siblings-who were protective of my parents, were not supportive of my emotional growth and health. In fact, they were detrimental. While painful memories were surfacing, I was also grieving the loss of a childhood fantasy-that my siblings and I would come through our childhood abuse, and be adulthood friends.

In those years, I stayed in touch with them, hoping they would mature and share their memories, many of which we shared. I also hoped I would be able to be around any of my family members, without having flashbacks-that would send me into exacerbations of depression, for months at a time. (Interestingly, a wedding was a great source of flashbacks.)

I did speak to each family member about some aspects of my abuse. It helped me, but it was damaging to what relationship we had.

The healthier I became, the easier it was to separate from disrespectful relationships. In my thirties, at different times, and under different very circumstances, I ended each familial relationship, one at a time. In reaching out to new people, I developed friends. For the first time in my life, I was not hated for who I was, and I wasn't manipulated; instead, I was appreciated.

As it was extremely painful, to lose my earliest hopes, it has proven to be a very wise choice. My friends and therapist noticed improvement. Giving up relationships, which directly or indirectly, demanded that I be the scapegoat, and demanded that I think poorly of myself, gave me a life boat. Now, I can respect and can enjoy myself.

I greatly miss not having the connections inherent in a 'family of origin'; especially since I am an introvert, and haven't developed a community. And due to my early traumas, I haven't tolerated tension in intimate relationships. Fortunately, I do have a good friend. I'm working on developing more.

I still hope to develop a primary relationship, in which I can maintain my voice and self-esteem. This Forum, has given me a supportive community-like your post, and an opportunity to develop, and expect, respectful rapport. I hope that you have as good of an experience here, as I have. :happy: