I'm 25 and I had never seen a therapist until a few months ago.
I grew up with a controlling, manipulative and abusive father, and a mother with all of her freedom taken away. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend when I was 16, emotionally abused by a second boyfriend when I was 19-22, and then, with no money or place to go, I returned to my parents’ house, which is an emotionally toxic environment. I contemplated suicide but did not act on it.
I finally broke away and moved to Portland ME right before I turned 24. I had independence and a steady, healthy relationship and a job working with abused, traumatized teenage girls in a residential facility. Then one day I was attacked at work and put into the hospital by one of my residents. I was placed on leave for four days, my physical health was evaluated and then I was sent back to work. I gradually declined from there. I would have daily panic attacks that lasted from the time I woke up till the moment I stepped foot on campus. Then it was like I was gone from my body most of the time while I was working, I had no idea what was happening to me but all I knew was that my performance was not where it needed to be and the idea of getting fired, losing my income and ultimately being dragged back to my parents’ house increased my symptoms.
Finally I broke down and called the company's EAP number and was set up with a therapist. She was the most wonderful person I have ever met. After a month of two of unrolling my story for her, she diagnosed me with first ASD and then PTSD in addition to clinical depression. I was sent to an awesome general care physician for the first time in my life (growing up with no insurance meant if a doctor was needed it was at a walk in clinic) who put me on 20mgs of Citalopram which was the best thing that ever happened to me. My therapist recommended me to another therapist who specializes in EMDR and who told me that I may have had PTSD most of my life, and she is going to help me work through all this, and she told me that I am a survivor.
Literally since I could remember I've always thought that some people just weren't meant to make it into adulthood. I thought I was one of those people. I thought one day it was going to be too much and I was going to end it. I'm amazed that even now with my nightmares and flashbacks and disassociation and exaggerated startle responses and my panic attacks and my days in bed that I think I actually might live to be an old lady. That’s kind of scary too; living with all of this hanging off of me is exhausting.
There are no PTSD support groups in Portland. I just needed to share my story with some people who might understand from personal experience.
I grew up with a controlling, manipulative and abusive father, and a mother with all of her freedom taken away. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend when I was 16, emotionally abused by a second boyfriend when I was 19-22, and then, with no money or place to go, I returned to my parents’ house, which is an emotionally toxic environment. I contemplated suicide but did not act on it.
I finally broke away and moved to Portland ME right before I turned 24. I had independence and a steady, healthy relationship and a job working with abused, traumatized teenage girls in a residential facility. Then one day I was attacked at work and put into the hospital by one of my residents. I was placed on leave for four days, my physical health was evaluated and then I was sent back to work. I gradually declined from there. I would have daily panic attacks that lasted from the time I woke up till the moment I stepped foot on campus. Then it was like I was gone from my body most of the time while I was working, I had no idea what was happening to me but all I knew was that my performance was not where it needed to be and the idea of getting fired, losing my income and ultimately being dragged back to my parents’ house increased my symptoms.
Finally I broke down and called the company's EAP number and was set up with a therapist. She was the most wonderful person I have ever met. After a month of two of unrolling my story for her, she diagnosed me with first ASD and then PTSD in addition to clinical depression. I was sent to an awesome general care physician for the first time in my life (growing up with no insurance meant if a doctor was needed it was at a walk in clinic) who put me on 20mgs of Citalopram which was the best thing that ever happened to me. My therapist recommended me to another therapist who specializes in EMDR and who told me that I may have had PTSD most of my life, and she is going to help me work through all this, and she told me that I am a survivor.
Literally since I could remember I've always thought that some people just weren't meant to make it into adulthood. I thought I was one of those people. I thought one day it was going to be too much and I was going to end it. I'm amazed that even now with my nightmares and flashbacks and disassociation and exaggerated startle responses and my panic attacks and my days in bed that I think I actually might live to be an old lady. That’s kind of scary too; living with all of this hanging off of me is exhausting.
There are no PTSD support groups in Portland. I just needed to share my story with some people who might understand from personal experience.
