Relationship Looking for help

[bill]

Ok my partner has PTSD from 2 attacks she encountered last year, unfortunately this was pile on from a long term childhood sexual abuse from a stepbrother and a teenage rape.

I am a recovering alcoholic (7months) with a large anxiety and paranoia issues.

we find ways to function most of the time but my drying out has gave me some new anger issues that in turn set off trauma responses. I am bad at fighting with her she isn't shy about her issues but sometimes it seems like she uses them to invalidate me or as reasons behind her shitty behavior.

I am new to this (help forum)so any advice would be awesome.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't do anything to change her behavior, so the only thing you can really do is work on your own.

Arguing with a PTSD sufferer is like throwing gasoline on a fire. *Boom* instant escalation, like 0-100 in a second. You can't win, it's futility. It just makes everything worse. Lashing out is a stress reaction. They'll immediately go into fight/flight/freeze.

Criticizing, blaming, and nagging, etc. is just as bad. Sets off self loathing and a downward spiral.

You'll have to learn to manage your own anger issues. You cannot fight with her, you'll have to learn how to communicate in healthier ways. Does that mean you're not allowed to be pissed if at her or think she's bullshitting you? Nope. You just have to talk to her about it in different ways.

 

[Bill]

You can't do anything to change her behavior, so the only thing you can really do is work on your ow...

What are some good ways to avoid the fights without just bottling up when she dose something upsetting. The pattern right now is I just avoiding conflicts until something really bad goes down then I flip out and then there is a few day fall out until we get back to normal. I know it is unhealthy and want to change.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Avoiding conflict isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you have to do that if her stress level is too high. Trying to have any kind of discussion with her about what's bothering you while she's symptomatic is going to blow up in your face.

Wait until she is calm, then try talking to her. Talk calmly, and make it more about how you're feeling than what she's doing. For example "I feel disrespected when you do xyz" not "you need to stop disrespecting me." You cannot control another persons behavior, all you can do is communicate calmly and clearly, then set boundaries.

What does she do that makes you blow up?

 

[anthony]

but my drying out has gave me some new anger issues that in turn set off trauma responses

As above, I would focus on you first. See, The Iceberg Of Emotions and The Ptsd Cup Explanation

The PTSD cup helps explain what goes on within us. PTSD is just an addition that creates less room and more problems. Focus on your cup.

As for how to handle arguing better:

1. Don't raise your voice, regardless how shitty and angry you are.
2. Walk away if she begins yelling. Don't think about it, don't hang around to validate her poor behaviour, just walk away. Go outside, to another room, whatever it takes so she gets the message that you won't stand there and be yelled at.
3. Again, don't you do the very thing you don't want her doing to you.
4. Now -- start with a pad of paper on a central table. It must be centrally located and in the open, so you can both see it.
5. When one of you is angry with the other and cannot communicate without yelling, write it down.
6. Walk away and leave it for the other person to read and respond when they have time.
7. Repeat and rinse, responding in writing only, working towards expressing yourselves equally, yet try and add solutions.
8. When you can communicate later about a past issue, both sit down and read through the argument on paper. Talk about it and try to find additional solutions, if possible.
9. If you can't... then you bring the argument here, online. Start a new thread with exactly what both have written on the paper and context. Ask for others opinions, not for right or wrong, but to try and see something either of you is not seeing to understand or add to work upon yourselves uniquely.

That is a basic starting point. I'm sure you can both work out the specifics. That is a rough guide on how to work through anger issues with your partner, without yelling involved. Both must agree though, zero arguing and instead write.

The other person does not hover around whilst the other is writing. Go away and come back once they are done and have left the notepad, so the other can read, think and respond in their time, without pressure or such.

You're going to be quite surprised just how much you work out this way. How much you start to look deeper at your own behaviours and thoughts, the other persons, understanding will start to happen.

 

[Buttercup]

love that Iceberg of Emotions article. It's great!

 

[Bill]

Wow! You guys are amazing! With that said I have a lot of work to do on myself. I think that just living with me has possibly stunted her recovery. I should have tried to find this months ago. I need to seek out professional help to start curbing my anxiety and anger issues. Her main triggers are feeling not equal ( I have done a lot to cause this) and mine involve her being a hypocrite. This is a long road but she is worth it.

 

[LuckiLee]

As above, I would focus on you first.

Wow Anthony this is great! You have awesome advice. Did you invent PTSD? ;)

Thanks for taking the time to share all of this!!