Looking For Input From Those With Ptsd

[spmitchell3]

I'd really like to hear from people who have PTSD to help me put things in perspective here.

My wife of 15 years was diagnosed with PTSD back in May due to a turbulent childhood with a controlling father who was emotionally/mentally abusive and then a string of abusive boyfriends prior to meeting me. While I knew our marriage wasn't perfect, I had no clue it was on the verge of falling apart because she didn't say anything. She was afraid to. So, for the past 10 years, she's been pretending everything was fine and hoped it would just get better. Prior to that, she'd been to therapy a few times but none of the therapists ever caught on that she had PTSD. They just diagnosed her with depression and prescribed medication. I won't go into detail about what took us into marriage counseling but it was this therapist who started to connect the dots and sent my wife to a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD. This therapist almost immediately was able to tell that my wife had a very bad case of it. My wife has been doing EMDR therapy with her since about the end of May.

Over the course of the last eight months, my wife has told me four times that she feels no love for me. I suspect that it's the PTSD...but she denies it even though she frequently has described herself as feeling numb and not knowing what she feels about anything. She says she has no idea who she is and what makes her happy. She doesn't get excited about anything. About the only thing she seems passionate about is work...where she says she feels she can truly be herself. When we first started marriage counseling, there were times I would talk about what I was feeling and she would just shut down. So it seems to me that she's definitely experiencing emotional detachment but so many things are confusing and this is where I could really use some input.

While she says she feels no love for me, she also tells me that she wants me to be here for her, that I'm important to her and that she wants our marriage to work. And let me be clear - she doesn't tell me these things unless I ask. I'm frequently left wondering where I stand with her or where we are with our marriage. If she doesn't feel any love for me and doesn't think it's the PTSD...why would she want me to continue being here? Is it because, maybe, deep down she does love me but doesn't recognize it because of all the other conflicting thoughts and emotions going through her head? If I tell her I love her and that I'm here for her, the most she replies with is, "Okay" and nothing else. This hurts because it gives the impression that I don't matter enough to say the same thing to me. I finally asked her last night and she told me she doesn't know how to respond to it and that simply saying she's there for me too seems forced to her. To me, it would only be forced if she didn't really mean it because if you truly cared about someone, you'd want them to know you were there for them. Could this be the PTSD as well? Could all of this be a result of her being afraid of being vulnerable with me since being vulnerable and trusting other people has brought her nothing but pain?

About a month and a half ago, our now former marriage counselor told me that my wife isn't ready to work on our marriage. So I'm trying to be patient but it gets hard at times. I've learned a lot about what to do and not do...but I could really use some input on this because I want to understand.

 

[VoiceOfReason]

@spmitchell3

I JUST made a post about something similar that I'm seeing here so I thought I would give you my thoughts on the matter. You have questions about whether this behavior (saying she doesn't love you but wants you around, doesn't show excitement about things, etc) is a result of her PTSD.

If she doesn't feel any love for me and doesn't think it's the PTSD...why would she want me to continue being here?

Ok, so first things first. I haven't met your wife so obviously I can't say definitively but PTSD isn't (as I said in my other post) a pass or automatic "good person" label. She may be a wonderful person and have PTSD and STILL have character flaws that you may not be willing to see. My first thought on that question, if I remove the (possible) PTSD-induced behavior, is that she may not love you but enjoys the financial and shared responsibilities of married life. I know that's a horrible thought and it's possibly untrue but it shouldn't be dismissed simply because she has a condition.

Could all of this be a result of her being afraid of being vulnerable with me since being vulnerable and trusting other people has brought her nothing but pain?

That's an astute observation and I think you may have hit on something there. Past experience is definitely going to play a role here and she quite possibly can NOT open up to you with either positive or negative thoughts because of fear of retaliation, as exhibited by her previous relationships. You only need to burn your hand on the stove a couple of times before you stop playing with things that are hot.

About the only thing she seems passionate about is work...where she says she feels she can truly be herself.

I find this statement very interesting. If the concept is that she can be her self and happy only at work the corollary is that she can NOT be her self and happy at home. I'm not sure a person can be unhappy ALL the time and still survive.. Are there no times at home that she appears happy?

Peace and Love,
VoR

 

[Lucycat]

was diagnosed with PTSD back in May due to a turbulent childhood

If she doesn't feel any love for me and doesn't think it's the PTSD...

If the PTSD is since childhood how can she possibly be expected to know whether her thoughts,feelings and emotions are due to PTSD or something else?

May is very recent and she has a very long way to go in therapy yet. I have been seeing my T for almost 6 years now and am still struggling with it all. It sounds like you are trying to rush it , now that you know what the issue is.

Please be patient and don't expect answers that she cannot possibly give you.

 

[spmitchell3]

If the PTSD is since childhood how can she possibly be expected to know whether her thoughts,feelings an...

I'm not trying to rush anything...just understand so that I don't push her. I know not to do that since it can trigger her. She told me she appreciates how patient I've been and that I've been giving her space. But it's hard on me at times and I do wonder if suffers know how challenging their PTSD is for their spouses. For one thing, I'm the only male in the house. We have 10 year old and 3 year old daughters. The 10 year old is VERY ADHD which makes raising her very challenging. She's very defiant. On top of that, she's used to getting what she wants with her mother because my wife has been afraid of conflict so she would just give in. I understand why she's so afraid of conflict...unfortunately, our oldest has figured out how to use that to her advantage. If she's being defiant and I become firm with her by telling her she'll lose a privilege...she gets more defiant and starts with the tears and "I want mommy" routine and then goes on about how I'm such a mean dad. Both of them frequently cling to their mother. Sure, it's something kids do and probably especially since they're girls...but considering I already feel unwanted by my wife, the kids not wanting to have anything to do with me just adds to the feelings of loneliness and being unwanted. That's why I come here...to air what I'm thinking or feeling and get input from others instead of trying to discuss this with my wife. For one thing - I know she has a habit of shutting down and going somewhere else. She's gotten better about staying engaged...but she still isn't able to empathize. So I know there's no point in trying to talk to her about my feelings at this time. By coming here and discussing my thoughts and feelings, I'm giving her the space she needs while she sorts this all out. But, occasionally, there are things that need to be discussed. Communication, or a very huge lack thereof, is what led us to where we were. Since then, communication has gotten better...although, yes, she still has a problem empathizing with me. And that's when I come here...so I don't push her.

 

[scout86]

But it's hard on me at times and I do wonder if suffers know how challenging their PTSD is for their spouses.

A lot of the time, maybe "not".

About the only thing she seems passionate about is work...where she says she feels she can truly be herself.

I can't speak for her, and I'm not going to try. I'm going to throw a bit of my own experience out for your consideration. There are probably an infinite number of ways this stuff can work and her experience might be hugely different from mine.

I was raised to believe my "job" was to make other people happy and "be" what they wanted me to be. That was the only thing that was ok. And I was never very good at it. There was a corollary that, what ever I did, it wasn't going to be "right". By definition. "Right" was a moving target and the rule was it was something other than "me" or what I tried to do.

So, in relationships, I tended not to think I had a legitimate right to "be" anything other than what the other party wanted me to be. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to figure that out and get it accomplished. It never dawned on me that that wasn't the way the world HAS to run. And, I'm not very good at it. Eventually I get tired of feeling like a failure and quit trying. My work was the place where all anyone wanted from me was excellence and the pursuit of excellence suited me just fine. So it was the one place I felt like I belonged and was "ok". No one necessarily knew ME as a person, but I "was" something they wanted and something I wanted at the same time.

My marriage ended in divorce. My ex was a bit of a narcissist. (Maybe a LOT of a narcissist.) Me wanting to be "me" was kind of a deal breaker for him. He managed to set things up (accidentally, I think) so I lost my temper, or we'd probably still be married... But, things weren't going to work out for us because, in his eyes, I HAD to be what HE wanted. There was no space for me to figure out who I was and what I wanted. And he didn't care about that anyway. He just cared about what HE wanted. Does that make any sense? And, I felt/feel a bit guilty, because I kind of changed the rules in the middle of the game.

For my marriage to have worked, my ex would have had to have WANTED me to be myself and he'd have had to be able to accept that person. I find it's hard to "be myself" a lot of the time. I was raised to believe that person is "not ok", so I tend to think no one could possibly accept her and want to be around her. And, the truth is, I'm NOT everyone's cup of tea, as it turns out. But some people actually do think I'm ok. This is kind of a lot to grapple with by yourself. Even more challenging when you have a family to consider. Your wife has a lot to lose, and a lot of reason to fear losing it. What if you DON'T love the "new and improved" version of Her? It's hard to know what you're feeling if you never learned to have feelings of your own, and you don't really believe you're entitled to have them. If you worry that what you feel has to be acceptable to everyone else.

I don't know if that helps you at all, or makes any sense, but I sure wish you both the best!

 

[The Albatross]

"Feeling no love" could be a flat affect/effect... if she's on her meds or in avoidance of her subsequent thoughts/feelings while doing EMDR. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. She's got at least 10 years of pretending under her belt and is now (by the sound of it) finally in a position do deal with her underlying emotional issues.

It's difficult under the best of circumstances for PTSD's to know or feel more than survival mode.

Give her more time. It is also natural to begin recovery and feel/think/say these things. I've said them to my own spouse... wanting the attachment but not being or out of love with him. I'll have been married 26 years this November.

I know it's not easy... my own spouse did endure the process... it can get better. Are you doing joint or independent treatment for yourself?

 

[The Albatross]

While she says she feels no love for me, she also tells me that she wants me to be here for her, that I'm important to her and that she wants our marriage to work. [snip] ...is it because, maybe, deep down she does love me but doesn't recognize it because of all the other conflicting thoughts and emotions going through her head? If I tell her I love her and that I'm here for her, the most she replies with is, "Okay" and nothing else. This hurts because it gives the impression that I don't matter enough to say the same thing to me. I finally asked her last night and she told me she doesn't know how to respond to it and that simply saying she's there for me too seems forced to her. To me, it would only be forced if she didn't really mean it because if you truly cared about someone, you'd want them to know you were there for them. Could this be the PTSD as well? Could all of this be a result of her being afraid of being vulnerable with me since being vulnerable and trusting other people has brought her nothing but pain?

Yes. Also that she wants the attachment with you but if she's doing EMDR a lot of stuff is going on with her right now.

 

[Milo's papa]

I'd really like to hear from people who have PTSD to help me put things in perspective here.

My wif...

spmitchell3, first off I want to confess I am not a sufferer.

As a primary caregiver and supporter I believe you would find that this is not all to uncommon.

That being said, during the first few years of my wife's therapy I couldn't tell you the number of times that my wife has said she didn't know how she felt about me. She never knew love growing up and her PTSD locked her in that time frame for a long time. I was devastated the first time she said that to me as we had been married for over 25 years. I wasn't doing anything different, it was just her perspective on the life. She felt that since no one ever loved her as a child or even as a young adult, how could anyone love her knowing what she was subjected to. That led right into her questioning whether she truly loved me. She had no doubts about her love for our children, just me.

I was really starting to get freaked out about this and on the verge of losing it, I was able to talk to her T about this very specific subject, nothing else was allowed, and T assured me that what she was saying wasn't really about me at all. It was all about her. Since she could not understand why she was abused by everyone who should have been loving her, she felt unworthy of love and thus incapable of giving it back to the one who should love her the most,(me).

Thankfully as she started the healing process, about 4 years into therapy, she stopped saying things like that. It was another 6 months to year before I could tell her I loved her and not have her give me the cold shoulder. Now after seven years of intense therapy, we are both able to express our love for each other and she has also leaned that she can express those same feelings for friends without the fear that they will run away from her. Her abusers damaged her so bad that she didn't feel she was worth anything more just the abuses they inflicted upon her.

It will take time for your wife to get back to the place she was, and the person you married. You can only stand by her side, take her hand, and travel the long and hard road ahead. I don't see any reason to doubt you two will get to the end of the journey, just try to be patient, tolerant, understanding and above all loving.

 

[Gadgie]

I have an idea of what your wife was going through, as for the first few years of my relationship with my late wife, she just couldn't accept an compliment in any way?

It was a while before she told me that her ex husband was very abusive towards her, both mentally and physically, he used to tell her that she was ugly, and that no other man would want her!

He was so very wrong about that, wasn't he!

 

[Yunie]

I'd really like to hear from people who have PTSD to help me put things in perspective here.

My wif...

This situation really reminded me of my ex-boyfriend. He would act all sensitive and caring one minute...then another he would decide that he wasn't going to tell me he loved me because he had a bad day. I would ask if he was excited about something and he would tell me he didn't get excited...that he didn't get happy etc. I asked "well, why do you play video games if they aren't fun?" He said it helps pass the time and get rid of his anger.

The longer we dated, the worse it got. When he moved in with me he was suffocated by me (even when I was in the other room) He was a good person (would do anything I asked. Like move furniture around etc) but when it came to having a relationship, he would freak out. We didn't go on a date for the last (what was probably) five months of our relationship. He even told me he didn't like to play co-op games with me anymore, even though that was one of the reasons we started dating because "he didn't like the split screen." He had excuses for stuff like that almost constantly.

 

[kntryldy]

Okay so I believe I might be able to help your understanding a little. I was diagnosed at the beginning of this month with PTSD and OCD from childhood sexual abuse for 9 years then extreme domestic violence for 2 years with my youngest child's father. I go to my first therapy session tomorrow so these comments will be very raw from a sufferer with very little support.

I have been with a man for the past 4 years that has been absolutely amazing and has done nothing but the best for my and my children. It wasn't until I stopped working and became a stay at home mom that these issues arised and made me want to figure out what was wrong.

Since being diagnosed on 9/11/2015 (coincidentally), my emotions are very lost and confused. I have caught myself more than once thinking I need to tell my significant other to move on. Its not that I do not love him, I love him more than words could ever explain. And that is why I want to tell him to go. I feel like I don't know who I am now or who I will be when the therapy starts working. I am afraid he won't love me then and its easier now to just push him away then have the fear of disappointing him, or turning out to be someone he would never even consider dating. And I have caught myself debating whether my love for him is true or if it is something I have convinced myself of due to some kind of fear stemming from my PTSD.

I hope this helps in your understanding. Also I have a few questions for you as well that maybe you can help me understand his thinking and how I can help him handle this better.

For instance, did her diagnoses change how you felt about your future with her? I am not able to talk to him about certain things and it makes him soooo mad, what could I tell him that would make him understand to stop pushing as you apparently have gotten that part down?

 

[spmitchell3]

Okay so I believe I might be able to help your understanding a little. I was diagnosed at the beginning...

I found a site for supporters that has some good information. You might want to suggest he look at it. I'm just like him - I want to know what my wife is thinking and feeling. But she doesn't share any of it...at least right now because she says she isn't ready. It was really hard on me because she WAS sharing a lot of information with another man...a co-worker...and that led to her being attracted to him. She was sharing with him because she wasn't afraid that what she was talking about might hurt his feelings. She wasn't afraid of how he would react - primarily because what she was telling him didn't involve him and she wasn't in a committed relationship with him. She has since stopped sharing all of this with him because our marriage counselor told her it was inappropriate to be sharing with him when the person she should be sharing with is her husband. Anyway, the name of the site is HelpGuide. It ends in org. I would post the link but this forum doesn't allow me to. He can do a search for the site name and once on their site, he can search for articles - primarily, helping someone with PTSD. The more he reads up on PTSD, the more he'll understand its affects on people and why you are the way you are. It has helped me.

As for her diagnosis changing how I felt about my future with her - yeah, it changed it. But not because my feelings for her have changed. I love her and, if anything, feel closer to her knowing and understanding her better - I am fully committed to her and will never leave her. However, I don't know what she's going to do. If she's quiet, I wonder if I've done something to bother her. I wonder what her feelings are towards me and if today's the day she decides to call it quits. All because she doesn't do or say anything to help me feel secure in our relationship. At one point, she said she wanted a divorce when she was pushed by our marriage counselor to decide whether to fix our marriage or end it. Fortunately, that was only what she was thinking at the time and said it to see what I would do...namely, to see if I would leave her first. So, yeah, I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives...but now I wonder about it almost every day. And as for our marriage counselor - I haven't forgiven her for pushing my wife that day and putting me through a week of hell. I will never go back to see her again.