Eagle3
Platinum Member
I hate this situation. I can't afford to care for my dogs properly. My German Shepherd Dog I gave back to the rescue I got him from today. After having him for 3 years, the house is very quiet and lonely tonight. He was my cuddly-bear, the one who CRAVED physical affection. But he developed some kind of skin condition that I am allergic to, so after helping this dog learn to handle his own PTSD, I had to put him back into a triggering situation just so he could get necessary medical care. Hopefully they can take care of him quickly and get him adopted fast. He's a sweet boy, and anyone would be happy to have him as a companion, even if he does have forceful and anxious energy. His happiness and super-affectionate nature make up for his issues.
My old dog who is my first Service Dog and the one who made so much progress possible in my life, is failing too fast. We can't care for him since I'm starting a full-time job next week. The family and I decided to send him over the Rainbow Bridge this week. It's time, but I'm really sad to see this boy go. He was my first experience in feeling marginally safe. My rock, a stable energy in a world that was never stable. He taught the whole family how to be affectionate and interactive, how to love again after a shared trauma. We will all miss him. I already have his memorial tattoo planned...
Alas, Thursday is my birthday. I HATE my birthday. This kind of stuff always happens around my birthday. I think after this, I'm no longer celebrating my birthday or acknowledging it in any way. When I scheduled a therapy appointment on my birthday, my T said "most people refuse to have therapy sessions on their birthdays", and I said "trust me, I've had much worse birthdays. I'd rather do something beneficial for myself". Now, he's beginning to understand why I HATE my birthdays....losing my dogs, the stable, happy energy and the only source of physical affection in my life, is devastating.
The light in this dark tunnel still exists...I can allow myself to grieve without dissociation, and can deal with the trigger of loss without getting too lost in the emotional swamps. Even now as I sit here sleepless, crying my eyes out every time I try to go to sleep, I know that this will pass, and my time without a dog will not be permanent. I'm planning on making sure I'm in this energetically empty house as little as possible, working on finding safe affection and interaction with healthy people while I'm without canines. It's an opportunity to learn and grow, to work on skills that need to be polished, and to really work at finding my Self. Eventually I will have dogs again, I even want to foster since I was such a great behaviorist for the GSD, but I will NEVER be in the position of being unable to afford basic medical care and necessities for my critters again. I will do whatever it takes to be financially stable before I get another dog. Its not fair to them, and its too painful for me to lose a companion to circumstances. I've lost too much this way...never again.
My old dog who is my first Service Dog and the one who made so much progress possible in my life, is failing too fast. We can't care for him since I'm starting a full-time job next week. The family and I decided to send him over the Rainbow Bridge this week. It's time, but I'm really sad to see this boy go. He was my first experience in feeling marginally safe. My rock, a stable energy in a world that was never stable. He taught the whole family how to be affectionate and interactive, how to love again after a shared trauma. We will all miss him. I already have his memorial tattoo planned...
Alas, Thursday is my birthday. I HATE my birthday. This kind of stuff always happens around my birthday. I think after this, I'm no longer celebrating my birthday or acknowledging it in any way. When I scheduled a therapy appointment on my birthday, my T said "most people refuse to have therapy sessions on their birthdays", and I said "trust me, I've had much worse birthdays. I'd rather do something beneficial for myself". Now, he's beginning to understand why I HATE my birthdays....losing my dogs, the stable, happy energy and the only source of physical affection in my life, is devastating.
The light in this dark tunnel still exists...I can allow myself to grieve without dissociation, and can deal with the trigger of loss without getting too lost in the emotional swamps. Even now as I sit here sleepless, crying my eyes out every time I try to go to sleep, I know that this will pass, and my time without a dog will not be permanent. I'm planning on making sure I'm in this energetically empty house as little as possible, working on finding safe affection and interaction with healthy people while I'm without canines. It's an opportunity to learn and grow, to work on skills that need to be polished, and to really work at finding my Self. Eventually I will have dogs again, I even want to foster since I was such a great behaviorist for the GSD, but I will NEVER be in the position of being unable to afford basic medical care and necessities for my critters again. I will do whatever it takes to be financially stable before I get another dog. Its not fair to them, and its too painful for me to lose a companion to circumstances. I've lost too much this way...never again.
