Losing that loving feeling ...

[ClarySage]

It's been a while since I've visited here, but I need to reach out and hear from others who understand. Or can relate.

We've been married 26 years. He was always a workaholic, but it got worse and worse. Two summers ago he had a breakdown of sorts, and was diagnosed with complex PTSD from childhood and military trauma experiences. It takes the form of fear, anxiety, numbness, and withdrawal; over a year ago he moved to a different part of the house, saying he needed to be alone much of the time, and so we live as friends/housemates. We're both in therapy, and in marriage counseling, but he is rarely able to do the things the marriage counselor suggests. His therapist is not a trauma specialist, and just does talk therapy, but he does not want to switch to someone else. He still overworks, but recognizes now that it's an avoidance mechanism. We've both learned a lot, actually, since this all hit the fan, and I've had traumatic childhood experiences as well, so we've got a lot going on.

But ... I find I am feeling increasingly worn out with this empty-feeling marriage. Affection and emotional connection and physical touch are incredibly important to me, and there's just none ... and those are not things that a married woman should be looking for elsewhere. I understand what's going on with him; I have done my best to be supportive, but I am feeling increasingly lonely and sad, especially when he's home. He doesn't want to be touched, so my natural instinct to take his hand, to hug him, to put my hand on his leg, has to be kept in check. I sleep alone. I know it's not personal, but I feel so rejected and unwanted. He knows how hurting I am, and tells me how sorry he is, and says he feels guilty but he can't help it; he's struggling too.

When things get really bad, we talk about splitting up, but he is the one who feels more strongly about staying together ... he has no friends, isn't close to his family, and of course doesn't want to be alone. But I am increasingly feeling like this has become an endurance contest for me, and the thought of this being my life for years to come is just so depressing ... and then I think about people whose spouses have Alzheimers, or a grim cancer diagnosis, or have been disabled by stroke, and I wonder if I am just being selfish and small; I often think, well, if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't I want him to stand by me? It's confusing. I have been learning to take care of myself better, but every now and then I just have a meltdown and get terribly depressed for days, and seem to get closer and closer to calling it quits.

I read so many posts here about partners who are dealing with much worse, with anger and abuse and more, and I confess that I don't understand why any of us stay in situations that are so unhappy and unhealthy for us ... I wonder a lot these days what "love" really is: I can love someone, and support them in getting better, without having to subject myself to an ongoing situation that's so painful for me ... but 26+ years is a long time to walk away from. I just don't know any more.

Thanks for reading this far ... any advice/understanding/sharing of experience is most welcome.

 

[blackemerald1]

and I wonder if I am just being selfish and small; I often think, well, if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't I want him to stand by me? It's confusing. I have been learning to take care of myself better, but every now and then I just have a meltdown and get terribly depressed for days, and seem to get closer and closer to calling it quits.

I certainly cannot speak about a 26+ year marriage. But I think I can confidently say you're not being selfish. Hell no!

You seemed to have accommodated so very much that your husband needs and to be blunt - your needs are not being met.

If this was a short term issue or a physical inability then you would know how long this is going to prevail. There would be a finish line so to speak... And you maybe would have a clearer picture. However so far, from what you describe your husband has slowly contracted away from most of the initial relationship that you both entered into.

I'd imagine you are wondering if it will ever get any better and if he will be able to recommence that very important part of your relationship and meet your needs?

This is something you really need to bring out into the open and discuss with partner, therapist (s) and work through.

I can love someone, and support them in getting better, without having to subject myself to an ongoing situation that's so painful for me ... but 26+ years is a long time to walk away from. I just don't know any more.

I can see how torn you are by what is the status quo and I am sorry this is so painful for you. The fact that you are questioning/weighing up time spent in this relationship vs your unmet needs means it's important to you and that means you should seek help to sort it out.

But, also let me tell you - if you think leaving the marriage and going it alone will enable some kind of lovefest out there for you... think again... there are a lot of manipulator's, exploiter's and crazy's to avoid on the single scene particularly the older single scene. It's a perilous place to be if you are looking for intimacy and romance of any kind.
Depends entirely on what you are looking for.

 

[Sweetpea76]

With PTSD, things often get worse when treatment starts. I'm sorry your having such a rough go of it. It's hard to cope when your partner and main support system is not there for you anymore. Love and intimacy go a long way when it comes to smoothing over rough patches, and without them the rough patches are rougher.

Does he have good spells ever?

 

[Sunshine71]

It's been a while since I've visited here, but I need to reach out and hear from others who understand. Or can relate.

We've been married 26 years. He was always a workaholic, but it got worse and worse. Two summers ago he had a breakdown of sorts, and was diagnosed with complex PTSD from childhood and military trauma experiences. It takes the form of fear, anxiety, numbness, and withdrawal; over a year ago he moved to a different part of the house, saying he needed to be alone much of the time, and so we live as friends/housemates. We're both in therapy, and in marriage counseling, but he is rarely able to do the things the marriage counselor suggests. His therapist is not a trauma specialist, and just does talk therapy, but he does not want to switch to someone else. He still overworks, but recognizes now that it's an avoidance mechanism. We've both learned a lot, actually, since this all hit the fan, and I've had traumatic childhood experiences as well, so we've got a lot going on.

But ... I find I am feeling increasingly worn out with this empty-feeling marriage. Affection and emotional connection and physical touch are incredibly important to me, and there's just none ... and those are not things that a married woman should be looking for elsewhere. I understand what's going on with him; I have done my best to be supportive, but I am feeling increasingly lonely and sad, especially when he's home. He doesn't want to be touched, so my natural instinct to take his hand, to hug him, to put my hand on his leg, has to be kept in check. I sleep alone. I know it's not personal, but I feel so rejected and unwanted. He knows how hurting I am, and tells me how sorry he is, and says he feels guilty but he can't help it; he's struggling too.

When things get really bad, we talk about splitting up, but he is the one who feels more strongly about staying together ... he has no friends, isn't close to his family, and of course doesn't want to be alone. But I am increasingly feeling like this has become an endurance contest for me, and the thought of this being my life for years to come is just so depressing ... and then I think about people whose spouses have Alzheimers, or a grim cancer diagnosis, or have been disabled by stroke, and I wonder if I am just being selfish and small; I often think, well, if the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't I want him to stand by me? It's confusing. I have been learning to take care of myself better, but every now and then I just have a meltdown and get terribly depressed for days, and seem to get closer and closer to calling it quits.

I read so many posts here about partners who are dealing with much worse, with anger and abuse and more, and I confess that I don't understand why any of us stay in situations that are so unhappy and unhealthy for us ... I wonder a lot these days what "love" really is: I can love someone, and support them in getting better, without having to subject myself to an ongoing situation that's so painful for me ... but 26+ years is a long time to walk away from. I just don't know any more.

Thanks for reading this far ... any advice/understanding/sharing of experience is most welcome.

Hi - I can really relate.

I have been married the same amount of time - symptoms of PTSD started after we were married about 10 years but really bad for the past 8 years or so. It really hard to walk away from such a huge chunk of your/ my life..... we met when we were 18 so I dont really know a time without him..... I keep praying for the light at the end of the tunnel.... sometimes I feel I can see it and then it goes out.

I am worn out an anxious - chest pains are the norm. My whole body changes when he leaves the house.

Im not sure I can offer advice - but you are not alone... sadly :( Its hard and I dont know if things will change....

I see some small steps - like now he rubs my head sometimes in bed.... ! :) But I too desperately want the connection and affection - even more so now than when I was in my 20's! (Im now in my late 40s)

But cracking on - I have to focus on my son as well who has T1 diabetes - as well as my business and maybe my dreams that have been put on hold.....

Well - sending you a virtual hug and as others have said you must think about you..

Sunshine x

 

[SamRuck]

30+ years here. I can empathize with much of your situation. It rips me up every day to stay, and yet I love my wife and keep hoping for a win/win solution. She's come so far in the healing process, but sometimes I wonder if I'll be strong enough to make it. I just try to take it day by day and vary my coping strategies as needed.

 

[grit]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds daunting and painful. Honestly, I do not know what it feels to be in pain for this long but I see people have different temperaments in life and some have much higher threshold than others.

I have not been married as long as you but I have lived almost twice as long.

I think the fact you both have therapists is good. I think truly whatever you need is inside of you and with the right therapist, you will make the right decision.

I also hope that you take all into consideration. Is there financial dependencies? How are you without him financially and work wise and friendship wise? Do you want another relationship or just respect?

What have you gained in this marriage emotionally that you may not have if single, if any?

Do you care, respect and support him? Are you angry at him for being workaholic and denying intimacy in the relationship or are you angry with yourself for staying for so long even though this is not a new thing?



I would rather slit my wrist than tell a person to get divorce regardless what one person tells me. I hope you start to take inventory. See if you can live single within this marriage and be happy. This may give you glimpses of what it means to be you – just you. If you think another man will just come in and take care, think why or how this is important to you.

Those people you talk about with Alzheimer or cancer look happy because may be they are and may be they are not.

But also a lot of people put a lot of good efforts to make sure even if things do not work, you are both making each other stronger and individual not creating a symbiotic relationship where when one wheel comes off, the car stops.



My advise to you is this: stop focusing on him as if he already left and take full advantage of your therapists and start to think for an individual and hopefully you will gain some real strength in you and you will have no problem what direction to take because you are healthy yourself.

You are struggling now for many reasons but the main is you have lost yourself.

 

[ClarySage]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Just being able to hear from others who understand is helpful; my closest friend just doesn't get it, and while she tries to be supportive, it's not the same. I wish there was a support group for spouses that wasn't a 90-minute drive from here ;-).
Blackemerald1, yes, we have discussed my needs with each other and in counseling, but his fear, numbness, and discomfort makes it impossible for him. He has agreed to give me a daily hug, but it nearly always feels empty and robotic, and frankly sometimes I just want to tell him to forget it (but I don't).
Believe me, I am clear that if I leave, I will likely spend the rest of my life alone; I would not be looking for another relationship, and the reality at my age (this is my second marriage) is that it would be highly unlikely to find someone else anyway. Not being negative, just realistic.
Sweetpea 76, no, there have not been good spells in the sense that he's ever gone back to "normal." His overall level of anxiety and depression has improved somewhat, and he's more self-aware, but still unable to give or receive even basic affection. He is, however, generally kind, respectful, and responsible. If I wanted nothing more than a platonic housemate, he'd be a good one. But yes, what's a marriage without love and intimacy? -- pretty empty. It's hard for me to get past what has been lost.
Sunshine 71, I can relate to your feeling worn out, anxious, and experiencing chest pains. It's awfully hard to keep going sometimes. I hope we can both take care of ourselves ... hugs to you too.
SamRuck, that's good advice to take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's one hour at a time for me ;-). I'm learning coping strategies too.
Grit, you have touched on some very important questions; some of them I have already worked through, and some I am still wrestling with. In many ways I am already "living single" within this marriage, and know I would be okay on my own. Yes, I sometimes do feel angry, even though I know it's not his fault. And I also get that each of us has to work on our own issues; we are supportive of each other in that.

 

[grit]

It is so easy to get lost in a posting that can only truly show how much or what other factors involved. I think you are in the right direction finding yourself and finding content and solutions to your unique circumstances.

 

[SamRuck]

The only thing I might suggest is sleeping in separate places would be a non-starter for me. My wife hasn't ever tried it, but her parents do, and I told her the day she follows their example is the day I get another wife. I know many think you have to give your ptsd loved one 'space' when they try to isolate. I do just the opposite based on attachment theory's safe haven principle. I know it's kind of counter intuitive, but when they feel most compelled to run is when they MOST need our loving and safe presence (even if we aren't literally touching). I don't 'smother' but I visualize it as 'cocooning' her or literally being the 'safe harbor' that ships of old used when the storms were buffeting them. I don't force myself on her, but I do NOT let her hide or flee from me: when she used to try, I simply followed her and told her, "You're not alone anymore". I gently insert myself into her space. I joked with her one time that I'm like a 'burr' and she laughed wryly and agreed. Often it's just being 'companionable' as we sit side by side on the couch or be together wherever we are or whatever we are doing, but when she used to have panic attacks and flash backs I would literally envelope her. What that does is my calming and safe presence gives her the strength and serenity she needs during her emotional storms to begin processing all the crap even if she never shares with me the specifics. AND it also allows me to stay connected to her on some levels even though it's not the kind of intimacy I most wish for...it's better than cessation of all intimacy and connection.

There are no simple answers or magic buttons as we all know, but attachment principles have really helped my wife and me stay connected the 'best possible under the circumstances' especially when physical intimacy is so hard for her and our current dry spell is nearing 3 years... I wish you well.

 

[somerandomguy]

I do just the opposite based on attachment theory's safe haven principle.

I don't force myself on her, but I do NOT let her hide or flee from me

I gently insert myself into her space.

That would make me run far, far away very, very quickly.

Having a separate bedroom has helped me immensely. I thought I would hate it (it was not at my request) but having somewhere of my own to go has pretty much kept me from blowing up much more frequently.

 

[Tinyflame]

@SamRuck Wow that is totally absolutely counter-intuitive for sure. And may be exactly correct. :wideeyed:

Similar in some ways, to the concept or maybe truism that when we deserve love the least we need it the most.

You have certainly been a wonderful, understanding, patient and caring husband, no wonder it's been 30 years.

Brest wishes to all.

 

[SamRuck]

@somerandomguy ,

I understand your feelings. I honestly do, and in the beginning I had to be very careful with my wife. Everything in her wanted to run and hide. My guess is she always suffered the abuse alone as a child and so she didn't know what it was to have someone just 'there' with her. Like I said, I have to be very careful NOT to make her feel smothered or trapped; otherwise, I would simply replicate the feelings she had when the abuse was occurring. But slowly she was able to accept my presence as something that felt safe and loving, and that's when the real healing began as she was no longer overwhelmed by the trauma memories because I could provide her the extra stability she didn't have as a child, and then she could process them and at this point she hasn't had panic attacks or flashbacks for a couple of years.