Losing The Faith

[MissKB]

I am currently in this period of just being really lost, and doubting God's purpose. Five years ago, I tried to commit suicide (for the 10th time), and actually died. But I was revived and then on life support for 2 weeks. Then - I woke up.

I had no white light experience or anything. I first decided, God must really want me alive, and he must have a purpose. I became even more spiritual and had a pretty good relationship with God. ------ Now fast forward 5 years!

Nothing is better. I have no purpose. He should have just let me die! I can't stand myself or my life. I hate everything about it. Now it seems God has just left me. I feel I should of had some realization of the meaning of life in the last 5 years, not just more bad happenings. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of being around feeling this way. I keep screaming, "I need an answer!" and I am getting nothing. HELP!

 

[Dana1010]

I can't stand myself or my life. I hate everything about it.

I read this a few times to myself. It so closely mirrors my own thoughts and is so raw and unapologetic, I got some small catharsis from it. Feels good to just say it sometimes, yeah?

Maybe you should start looking within for an answer? Or accept the possibility there may not be an answer in the way you understand the term? Research alternative religions that don't rely on a single omniscient deity for all guidance?

 

[Anna Roberts]

I know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, but I personally don't think that any kind, loving God would let this happen to any of us. I think that if there is or ever was a God, either he's stopped listening or he's powerless to help.

Maybe you're looking for answers in the wrong place. Gods aren't known for being very forth-coming with answers, so maybe you need to look within yourself for the answers you seek.

I wouldn't recommend giving up on religion entirely, especially if faith is an integral part of your life. Maybe Dana1010 is right. Perhaps you should look for different religious beliefs and practices to add to your original beliefs. There are many pagan religions in particular where the Gods aren't depicted as all-knowing, all-powerful creatures free from all the faults and failings of humanity. There are even rituals you can do to ask questions and get answers, and I've found that to be helpful for me personally.

Anyway, that's my two cents and I won't presume you want any more of my advice, but if you're interested in looking into alternative religions don't hesitate to reply saying so or to get in contact with me.

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking, not sure I can say I need an answer from God, but rather to say I find/ found it soul-destroying to ask for help & feel entirely abandoned by God. Why talk or ask if one is not heard or cared about?

To some degree it may be that purpose is created, or simply bad luck it doesn't exist, or worse luck for those of us who try to live without one. I don't think not knowing of a purpose necessarily means we don't have one- maybe we do, maybe we don't. Subjective experience we don't though. I don't think people with one 'get it' though, they don't know how it feels to live feeling that way, & they draw conclusions as to why we feel what we do, or that we are acting on self-autonomy, rather than being (or feeling, or perceiving) being on-our-own. Also there is no guarantee it will get better, or worse, the future is unknown. I think too we are pretty sensitive, pretty hard on ourselves. Some people's purpose is to attain, whether it be wealth, power, reputation, material goods, etc. Even to 'mold' their children rather than 'shepherd them', you might say. I don't think those things would be your nature @MissKB .

 

[Tinyflame]

You know, I was thinking too @MissKB , it's a day-at-a-time thing. Sometimes purpose is just far too big. I hope you have some family or people who love you. I would say they would say the fact you exist is purpose enough (to them). I hope you have that.

I have found that maybe 'God' shows up in small ways. This came to me sunday, but in reverse. There is a church I used to go to, I only had the courage to go in because there was a turtle propping the door open (not real lol). Well, it became cracked, I think by last sunday it's thrown away. Which is appropriate, in the sense it's no good for a garden. (Not that one, anyway. Although it's funny but it reminds me of my own, in my garden I've often incorporated broken pieces. Not the norm though.)

For ourselves, too, there are places we don't fit. Because of cracks. But maybe that is felt more acutely there & then, & less acutely elsewhere.

And, FWIW, if you believe in Christianity even Jesus said "My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me?" Some questions are beyond anyone's grasp. How humans can do what they do to each other is beyond my grasp as well.

I hope that your life will bring you unexpected joy & fulfillment, & help & some peace. Even if that's the first time ever. You certainly sound like you deserve it.

Hugs & best wishes to you. :hug:

 

[MissKB]

You know @Junebug I unfortunately see it as, if there isn't "for a greater purpose" or "live to please God" if that isn't there, then I say, "I don't want to live anymore!" I hate life. And no I do not have a supportive family. It comes into my job description to hold my family together, when they all don't even care about each other. I will never be enough to make my mom happy. So no life does not bring me any joy, and I'm afraid it never will again. I am really tired of life.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @MissKB I don't know the answer either. :(

Do you mean you need either or both of those things?

 

[MissKB]

@Junebug right now I just want some relief really. Just a break from everything crashing in would be nice.

 

[Tinyflame]

@MissKB is there a small way you could get that?

 

[void]

I am currently in this period of just being really lost, and doubting God's purpose. Five years ago, I tr...

Have you had any therapy regarding your traumatic past?

If your like me it is not life that you hate, it is the suffering that life brings that you hate.

Are you being traumatized now? Or living with the consequences of past trauma?

 

[MissKB]

I've had years of therapy.

 

[void]

I've had years of therapy.

@MissKB
Has it helped?
Not all therapy helps and not all Therapists help.
Sad but true.:(

So, were YOU helped by the therapy?