Loss Related To Trauma: Aging Relative Not Understanding

[Seasounds]

I'm going through more loss than would seem normal to most people. My 86 year old uncle has recently told me that I no longer can microwave my lunch/dinner when I come by to visit.

As my last living relative, it has long been our tradition, and it is symbolic of my sense of family with him-having a meal together. :cry::cry::cry:

So it brings up deep loss of my grandmother-my other close family member/mother figure. I still can sob about it, and can't quite forgive myself (I've been doing the best I can with memories of kitchen related emotional and physical abuse while dealing while being in a kitchen) and make sense of the rigid boundary.

Why no microwaving my dinner.anymore? Because I don't sort the recycling at his house the same way that I do in my city. And that, "You didn't 'care enough' to write down how I told you to do it!"

What he knows but doesn't factor in, is that I short circuit in other people's kitchens because that is where I had episodes of severe hand and arm beatings.

So in reality, I have done amazingly well to just get complaints from the sorting of recycle and garbage materials. His insinuating that I didn't care, along with the severe boundary, is non-negotiable. and it is hurtful. It has me depressed, feeling helpless, as I no longer have an uncle who has any leeway for small things.

Has anyone else gone through a similar, rather rapid, and severe boundary with an aging loved one? What helped you?

 

[ladee]

I haven't, but I did want to tell you that I read what you wrote and am feeling so proud of all the times you wrestled with your abuse memories to be there in the first place. Older people get rigid and just have a very low tolerance.. not making excuses for him... but mostly wanting you to know that you are heard here... I have no answers but I do have praise for how hard you have worked on your triggers. Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don't have any advice about dealing with your uncle, but I hope that explaining my dealings with elderly people might put things in a better perspective for you.

What I see in many of the elderly......They are tired, some are pretty cranky, some have reached their breaking point with life due to many health ailments. With all of this going on they pretty much lose their sense of empathy and have little to no sympathy. They are set in their ways, and change does not happen with them, it's pretty much do it my way, or I will make a big fuss, (usually over nothing, or something stupid)

Yes, I'm sure it does hurt you, and maybe trigger you. But, if you can look at the situation from his point of view, his age, his health issues, it may help you to see things a bit differently and ear the hurt.

The world doesn't stop and adapt to people because they have PTSD. People with PTSD have to find coping skills and ways to manage in the world of people without PTSD.

 

[shimmerz]

I trigger out REALLY badly in the kitchen too. lol. I also realized the other day that I trigger big time over the garbage truck as the 'recycling police' were by our place this past week. I almost hid under the couch.

I wonder if it is possible for you to tell your uncle that you will take the garbage with you so that it is not his problem? Bring a bag, stuff it in your car (if that is how you get there) and problem solved?

Seems like a horrible reason to lose a family member and I am sorry that this is what it has come down to.