Lost 2 days cuz of cookies!!!!

[Starfire]

Just need to share to hopefully stop beating myself up.

Saw neighbor struggling to get groceries into house. Had my cart handy so helped. Said she and her granddaughter, daughter were making cookies for school & had run out of key ingredient. So she ran to store. While she was there, also got!!!!! Done that myself!

Walked in & kitchen saturated with the smell of the particular type of cookie that was always made for one of my abusers. That how knew he was there.

Vaguely remember hurrying out before abused one completely took over. Last two days are pretty much a loss. Moments where others came but the smell was lightly still there.

Woke to the phone ringing incessantly this morning. Went to kitchen and there on the counter was a big plate of cookies. Being the nice neighbor she is, she must have sent us home with a plate full.

Thought I'd worked thru this stuff. Been years since something this bad, uncontrolled took over for so long, so quickly.

So lots of *should haves*---smelled it sooner, not gone into house etc. Been in better control, not taken cookies (don't remember that), over all known better. 2 whole days ? Had things to do. Now need acceptable reason for not being where I was suppose to be. What have I not been doing that kept these episodes at bay? Why couldn't we stop her from so dominating, so quickly? Most insiders like/trust T why didn't they call him?

At least we went home...not in some unknown location. Don't know if we stayed home e.g. Feel exhausted, still feel some of her fright.

So much for patting ourselves on the back for how far we've come. All cuz of the smell of cookies. ?

 

[ladee]

I have recently had a 'blindsided' episode. I do not have DID, but I can so relate to how it threw me so hard and so fast. I lose time too, I just disassociate when it gets too much. It was a crazy hard time. So please know you are not alone and that I understand not being able to put it into words.

Take care of yourself the best you can. You will understand on the other side. I thought I had dealt with what I hit the rabbit hole behind, but learned some new things that are helping me not go back there.

Don't beat yourself up. Mine happened so fast and so hard, there was nothing I could do to stop it. It happens this way sometimes. We hate it. It hurts and is so very confusing.

Hope you share here if you want and need to.
Hear you. Listening.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks for listening. As bad as it was, now feel on guard that it may happen again. May I ask how you deal with that? Feel like we need to be on guard...stay home. Try to tell myself this was a fluke. But I don't believe me!!!

 

[ladee]

No hon, we don't stay home. Or at least I don't. Taking a breather from life, yes, I do that. But somewhere along the line on this journey, I made a decision to not be held hostage by memories. It's not easy, and have had times of pure anguish.

But I also come to understand that in all that pain and chaos is healing. It doesn't feel good, it's scary, we think we are losing our minds and that things will never change. But they do. It may not get better for a while, but it does get 'different'.

I hate it that any of us are here. That a forum like this is even needed. But thank the Universe it is, and I know I am not alone, no matter what is going on in my life. Someone here will understand. Someone here will figuratively hold my hand until it passes.

I am sorry the fear is so overwhelming. I've been there many times. And probably will be again. But we didn't survive the things we did to not fight for a life worth living.

Very proud of you for sharing. Letting others know when we are scared and feeling powerless takes huge courage. I truly hope you are feeling more grounded and less afraid.

You are not alone. Heart hugs.

 

[Starfire]

Like that...May not be better, but will be different.
Very encouraging. When think back to how it used to be, it certainly was worse...a lot worse.

Thanks so much, ladee.

 

[ladee]

With what your last post said, yes, pat yourself on the back for awesome progress!!!! You are much better than you were. That's how this journey works.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks so much!! Tomorrow's another day and it will be better!!! Cookies or no cookies. Thanks so much. You were such a great help. Take care of yourself. We will survive...no thrive!