Lost A Promotion Due To Ptsd

[Nebulustrix]

I work at a factory, in a remote little office toward the back of the building, mostly with computers. I deal with our quality data - data entry, editing forms, statistical analysis, paperwork shuffling, database development, analyzing and developing reports on trends, etc. I am great with data and computers and a very fast learner, so it didn't take me long to become an "expert" on everything that comes through the quality office and even help with a number of improvements.

At first, it felt like a perfect job and I wasn't having any issues. The only other office worker was the guy who trained me in, and he was a very laid-back, kind, patient, friendly, former-priest. I think it would be nigh impossible not to get along with him. However, in the year and a half I've been working there now, the office has been changing and growing, and they needed someone to take on a supervisory role. I was offered the position due to my hard work and expertise, and I accepted.

Then, just a couple days ago, it became very clear that I just wasn't cutting it as a supervisor and I was asked if I would like to voluntarily return to my previous duties without the supervisory responsibilities. My boss is very understanding and wants to find ways to help me advance with the company, so he approached this as an opportunity for me to save-face and step back from a job I simply couldn't handle, as he wants me to be able to stay with the company and use my strengths on the technical side to keep helping the company and quality department improve.

I consider myself very lucky that I have such an understanding boss willing to work with me, but the whole situation and the struggle I've had trying to be a strong supervisor has brought me to a breaking point. My emotions are scattered and out of control - one minute I'm fine, and the next I'm struggling to hold back tears. I'm constantly tense and anxious, grinding my teeth and getting shaky, and starting to lose my ability to concentrate.

I know that work is only part of the cause - there are so many things going on right now that are stressing me out I don't even know where to begin. My stress cup is overflowing! But work is where I feel the tension the most. My sense of confidence and security is gone, my calm disconnected center has vanished, and I am not at all comfortable with the coworkers now in my office.

I feel like pulling my hair out with one - leaving her responsible for critical, time-sensitive batching which she clearly can't keep up with (poor organization skills) and watching her unsuccessfully attempt to train our newest addition, and I can't correct her. I feel the responsibility for her workload as well as my own, and it stresses me to no end that she can't keep up and keeps making mistakes, and my instinctive solution is to take over and do it myself so it will be done the "right way", but instead I have to leave it to her and watch her let it fall apart knowing that this means it will likely, eventually, all fall back on me when she winds up either fired or quitting because she can't cut it. And this new trainee is caught in the middle of her mess getting nowhere because she isn't being adequately trained.

As the supervisor, it was falling on me to review her work and handle disciplinary actions when she failed to meet expectations, and I just couldn't handle that. I attempted taking on some of her workload myself so that it'd be easier for her to organize and keep up, but was told I needed to let her take that workload back. Then, I avoided correcting her, which led to a missed deadline and several batches getting released with missing paperwork. Then our new person came in and I left the training to her, as the newbie was supposed to be taking over that batching role she struggles with so much, and I attempted to fit in what help I could but didn't want to step into the work that wasn't "mine" or tell her how to do things. And our new recruit is now struggling with work that should be easy and there is constant tension between both of them.

I see the solution - "do it myself" - know it is not an option, and am insanely frustrated with the unavoidable consequences (botched training, an employee setting herself up to fail, and paperwork I feel responsible for becoming a royal mess). Even more so, I am frustrated with myself and my inability to take charge of it all. I have no confidence, no assertiveness, and I simply clam up when faced with the challenge of telling someone she is doing her job wrong. I'm great at making computer systems, databases, etc more thorough and efficient, but trying to convert those same skills to people is like trying to push myself through a brick wall via osmosis. I feel like a failure. I feel broken. And I feel so ANGRY with myself and my inability to just DO what I know in my head will fix the problems.

 

[marylouise]

I think you're being really hard on yourself. It sounds like you've been doing a great job, which is why you were promoted; as you recognize, supervision takes a whole different skill set than what you've been using. You need to work on acquiring these skills - if you decide you want to (not a given) - and your manager is willing to support and help you.

One of my issues is accepting where I am in life. That can be so hard.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes, the only thing I can do in a difficult situation is find the lessons or identify what I need skills I need to cultivate to be more successful.

Your observations about avoiding and the aspects of the position that were difficult for you to handle are astute. Feeling disappointment at the prospect of failure in an endeavor is one thing... but feeling broken is detrimental.

 

[Echo]

@Nebulustrix - I'm wondering whether some big part of the pressure you were feeling is that you hadn't been trained to deal with the man-management side of things. These things don't come naturally. So that you can feel like you are progressing and not going backwards, would it be possible for you to ask to go on a course for female leaders, say? Or maybe for supervisory skills? I think it might help if you could attend a women-only course. Assertiveness skills are something that so many of us who've been abused or raped, or whatever, would find really useful.

Given your evident skills and the high regard you are held in at this company, I am pretty sure there'll be other opportunities. Extra training would be an investment in you, but also in the future of the company, so don't see it as in any way a favour to you or a sign of failure. Anyone who has progressed up through a company is likely to have done some kind of continuous professional development or worked one-to-one or in a group with a business coach. Asking for this would be a sign of your professionalism. It would be something to focus on whilst you are dealing with the PTSD and it would probably reduce your sense of stress in dealing with others in the workplace. Best of luck. Don't be hard on yourself. The company shouldn't really have thrown you in the deep end like that.

 

[Nebulustrix]

@marylouise - I am being very hard on myself, and am trying to lessen up on that. :) I think it is hitting me so hard because I was doing so well it was almost as if my PTSD didn't even exist. I went to therapy for a year immeiately after leaving the abuse and was told I was handling it well enough on my own that I didn't need therapy anymore. And I really have been doing great.

But in the last year, I've started falling apart, and I think what is frustrating me is the simple fact that I'm not "over it", and that it IS affecting my work performance, my personal life, etc. I think that is what is making me feel so angry with myself, and I know I need to get to where I can accept the fact that this PTSD is going to take more time for me to work through, and more help. I've made an appointment to start going to therapy again, and I'm really hoping that helps. I'm not used to needing help - I'm a do-it-myself person, as is probably evident with my frustrations at work.

@The Albatross - I do feel very broken, but I think that feeling is really more a recognition of the fact that I'm not done dealing with PTSD and probably never will be. It is a recognition that I can't fix myself without help and there are certain things I just can't do at this point in time, because it is too difficult for me.

I am looking for the lessons and striving to build the skills that will help me be more successful, and it is frustrating recognizing that I just don't know how to improve without help.

@Echo - Unfortunately, this work place has always been a "sink-or-swim" kind of place. They have a very poor training program, and I excelled in the office because I was good at figuring things out on my own. If it weren't for my boss, I wouldn't be sticking with the company at all, but he is the corporate level Quality Department manager, and I know if I stay with the Quality department, I will at least have someone over me who recognizes my strengths and is willing to work with me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and input! Writing about it and responding to the feedback has been helpful, and I'm not quite as stressed today. :)

 

[The Albatross]

Recognition that you're not done dealing with PTSD and probably never will does not mean that your base point and stress tolerance as well as depressive cycling post triggering/stressful event can't be improved. I pretty much officially consider it to be just another chronic disease now... something to be managed for life. I'm not particularly sad or distressed about it anymore... as all of my physical conditions are chronic but not life threatening. I tend to consider it just another one of those as it is "generally more beneficial".

It is okay to realize that there are some things you just can't do or accomplish "at this time". It is no predictor though, that you can't or won't be able to deal more effectively with supervisory or management skills in the future. Try to acknowledge that you did the best you can and that unfavorable results today don't mean necessarily that results will "always" be the same?

 

[marylouise]

Nebulustrix, I just wanted to follow-up and say that this is a very common problem in corporate America. Yes, you have issues related to PTSD, but your situation seems pretty normal to me. You're an excellent worker, thus you are promoted, but the skills that made you excellent at your previous job don't mean you instantaneously know how to manage and supervise people even though they're doing the same job you were excellent at. The result that I've seen is that there are a lot of frustrated, unhappy people working as managers and as many or more working under them. : )

You're already a huge step further than many because you recognize that you don't have the skills you need. I think the way that being a trauma survivor can get in the way of your progress is what you say about not wanting to ask for help. That is common amongst survivors, who after all couldn't depend on the world for help. I'm the same way. But you recognize this. And you trust your direct manager, which is huge.

 

[marylouise]

Nebulustrix, also as others have said, sometimes you just have to deal with the trauma again. I hate it too. I had an extreme situation as my childhood was really bad, and I went to therapy for 12 years continuously to deal with it. I was so happy and proud of myself when I left therapy with that therapist and moved to a new city. I was so upset when I had to go back to therapy 5 years later. But it's a process. We can't get mad at ourselves for needing to go back to therapy; we can only get mad at the trauma that made all this therapy a necessity.